Jimmy Page is Your GOD John Cleese...Stephen King...less so

Even the most egocentric, obnoxious or gigantic star making an appearance at Barnes & Noble signs product.

William Shatner. Mike Tyson. Michael Caine. They sit their asses down and sign.

Ex-President Bill Clinton didn't sit his ass down. He stood, SHOOK HANDS with the buyers who stood in line for two hours, and signed. There was a raised podium so he could stand and sign at the same time.

But hey...

JIMMY PAGE?

Man, JIMMY FUCKIN' PAGE, man!

HE IS A GUITAR HERO.

GOD does NOT SIGN.

You read it right. Not only do you have to show up at 10 in the morning for an event taking place at NINE HOURS LATER...if you aren't one of the first 250...FUCK YOU.

Most everyone signs 500, even 1000 copies of their book. Hand signs in front of you.

JIMMY FUCKIN' PAGE isn't even going to rubber stamp more than 250?

He got better things to do?

Hey, Led Zep freaks, you should be lucky to be in the same building. If you catch a glimpse of him while buying some shit...go home happy.

Robert Plant, now a Billy Connolly look-alike, was on Charlie Rose's show a few nights ago. In fact he was chuckling and joking a bit...at first I thought maybe it WAS Billy Connolly. Except I could understand him. Plant seems pretty down to Earth. Maybe it's because he's singing shit that nobody really cares about, and he'd better be humble or nobody will show up. I get the feeling if he wrote a book, or put out another CD, he'd sit and sign 1000 copies minimum. He'd show up at noon, and if you had to be there at 10am to assure that you were a lucky one, ok. That's the way it is.

But this JIMMY PAGE...quite the ANGRY GOD, isn't he? Call him ALLAH. The typical Led Zep fan is a very smelly asshole living in New Jersey somewhere, or a garage mechanic in Brooklyn, or a down and out drug dealer in upstate New York. It'll be quite a hardship to come crawling into Barnes and Noble at 10am (make that 9am? 7am? 5am?) to be one of the lucky 250...and then spend NINE HOURS waiting to get it STAMPED.

Maybe half the people on the line will actually be infidels...dealers who'll be happy to SELL this stupid item to Led Zep morons around the world, eager to pay a fortune for a genuine STAMPED design from GUITAR GOD HIMSELF.

Jesus Christ.

PS., November officially begins the season of "buy celebrity autobiographies and shit." Celebrities have better things to do than sit around a week or two before Christmas signing last-minute gift ideas. If you check B&N's website you'll see a sudden glut of book signings at their three major NYC locations...which trickles to nearly nothing by the end of the month.

Turning up the same week as Page are a variety of stars who will show up a few hours (not NINE) before the line's set up. For standing in the fucking cold for the standard two hours, you'll get a REAL SIGNATURE, not a STAMP. Me? I was tempted to go see Cleese, but I've met him before, I have his autograph on a book, and I've come to loathe standing on lines for hours...and unfortunately the average Python fan is only slightly less smelly than a Led Zep fan, and only slightly more lively than a dead parrot.