Christmas - SHUT THE FUCK UP

No, it doesn't take much.

A few stupid Christmas jingles played over a store loudspeaker ("Frosty the Snowman," "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," "Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow"). 

Some asshole already parading around in a Santa hat. 

Mongoloid foreigners setting up Christmas tree stands on the sidewalk, knowing nothing about Christianity except it seems to turn Jesus Freaks into Druids. 

TV commercials that are beyond obnoxious in their holiday pandering. 

Newspapers that don't stop with the fucking Christmas angles and idiots who are already asking about your "plans" and cooing about how it's a wonderful time of the year....

CHINKY WALDORF, BUY CONDO LONG TIME

Ha ha ho ho hee hee. Who's that funny-looking guy the USA elected President?

AH, SO. That would be Donar Tlump. He owns LEAL ESTATE. Well, guess what DONAR, you got some competition. At one time, the Japs were swarming all over the USA, buying up iconic buildings (like Rockefeller Center). Now? The Chinks.

Excuse prease, the vulgal use of steleotpicar ranguage and wolds. But this shit pisses me off. I now revert to the soon-to-be-extinct world of ACTUAL ENGLISH as it should be written and spoken.

DONALD was bellowing all through his campaign that the Chinese had gone too far. They were using their slave labor, their little kids, and their disregard for pollution, to push their factories into overdrive. Nigga sneakers. Yuppie iPads. You name it, the Chinkies were making it.

"A disgrace," he insisted. Put HIM in the White House, and the Chinese would not get away with their games anymore. 

Trump would make sure American products would be made in American factories, and that high tariffs would be placed on goods coming in from the Far East. HE wouldn't let those slanties continue to low-ball Americans everywhere from Silicon Valley to eBay!

Yeah, EBAY. If you want batteries, fake tattoos, underwear, bubble wrap envelopes...the lowest prices are from companies in China. If you're willing to wait a few weeks for the boat to arrive, you can get huge bargains. Like 50 batteries for the price of 10. Hell, these maniacs sell stuff AT cost or even below it sometimes. They flood eBay with knick-knacks that start at a penny, with free shipping. And yes, they often get stuck. They don't care. They're willing to work 18 hours a day, and have their kids work 18 hours a day. 

OH, but I DIGRESS. How about THIS:

Yes, it's a done deal, and is TRUMP going to prevent more of this shit? 

It's insane how many hugely expensive condos and apartments are owned by Eurotrash, disgusting Russian swine, and Arab oil bastards. 

Embarrassment? The WALDORF! The Chinese owning the fucking WALDORF ASTORIA! 

How this happened, I have no idea. I'm assuming that "old money" has died out. Phyllis Diller used to stay at the Waldorf Astoria. The new female comics like Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin would probably stay at some funky downtown hotel, or just grab a neutral room at a Hilton or Sheraton or evening a fucking Holiday Inn. 

An irony is that guess who OWNS the Waldorf now? Hilton! Yeah, the company that cringes every time Paris Hilton or her idiot brother do stupid things in public. Somehow they couldn't cut costs or get Prince William or other snots to stay there free, for the publicity. 

Ok, the Waldorf's name and its posh lobby and gift shops aren't quite enough to lure all the jerks who throw their money away as fast as they can. There aren't as many people these days wandering into hotels to shop, eat or drink. A now deceased member of Boko Hardup actually liked to hang at one of the bars, which was old world, reasonably priced, and served complimentary bowls of mixed nuts to anyone ordering a beer or two. Afterwards, go wander into one of the SEVERAL lobby areas and sit in plush chairs and gab for an hour.  

All right, so people don't even REALIZE that there's interesting architecture and amusing things to see in the lobby of the Plaza or the Waldorf. That doesn't mean that these famous hotels have to sell out, and especially to the fucking Chinks. They're gonna turn the Waldorf into apartments for wealthy bastards? You'd think Capybara-headed Mayor DeLousio would've stepped in and insisted the place be converted into a welfare hotel. OR, he'd lower the taxes or find some way for the management to keep the place as it is and not allow FOREIGN OWNERSHIP.

Fuck, what's next? Why not have the mayor of Beijing also be the mayor of New York? He can Skype from China. What a saving. One mayor for the price of two. 

Call it xenophobia (if you're a moron) but foreigners should NOT own iconic real estate. Especially when they fuck it up. Maybe it's ok if shrewd and hungry foreigners come in and work their asses off and DON'T change things too badly. (Rockefeller Center isn't loaded with sushi restaurants and doesn't blare Yoko albums in the skating rink). But there's something mighty nefarious about the Chinks taking over the Waldorf, just as there's something wrong with "American" products like Nigga sneakers and Yuppie Mac computers being assembled overseas. 

The irony is that one of few things the Chinks may end up NOT owning is a chain of Chinese fast food restaurants. THOSE would be run by Mexicans! 

JANN WENNER wants to Suck JOE JONAS' COCK

First off, Joe Jonas and the Jonas Brothers don't belong in Rolling Stone. They suck. But so does Jann Wenner. Jann has a fondness for boy bands and dopey-faced hunks like Joe. 

But secondly, "style and fashion" also don't belong in Rolling Stone. That shit belongs in Esquire, or Gentleman's Quarterly, or the other pretentious mags that are supposed to tell guys what COLOGNE to wear, and whether  it's ok to wear a dark blue tie with a light blue shirt. 

THIS is SHIT

What a fucking WASTE OF A PAGE. How faggy. How ridiculous. 

What a goddam embarrassment to the memory of the mag that ran "LENNON REMEMBERS." Now we're supposed to remember what brands of crap Joe Jonas likes, so we can be Just Like Him??????????

There is NO regular page in Rolling Stone for mini-reviews of new and indie artists. Think of what a boost it would be for a worthy (unlike Shauna) young artist to get a quotable line from Rolling Stone. Nah, spend the page on fucking Joe Jonas' toys instead. There was a rock mag some years ago that made SURE to devote space to obscure imports, debuts of promising artists, and cult acts normally ignored. That mag had NO page on fashion.  

WHO the fuck, besides JANN WENNER and JOE JONAS, wants to DRESS like a Jonas Brother? WHO wants to buy what a Jonas Brother buys? JANN WENNER may think he's a teenage girl but the rest of the Rolling Stone readers aren't buying it. They won't KEEP buying it. 

Usually asshole-asslover Wenner and his "My Style" page includes the actual prices and stores where you can buy the crap. The usual rock moron they'd interview for a piece like this, would steer you to the Ray-Bans, and the Bose speakers and maybe Gourmet Artisan Mail Order Popcorn or something. 

THIS Jonas asshole thinks YOU should wear a Godzilla t-shirt because HE does? That you should decorate your pad with boxing gloves? Or a Rick Ross ashtray? Oh, oh, LOUIS VUITTON SLIP-ON SHOES. My my, yes, that's a MUST! Whoops dear! And CUBAN cigars. Jeez, are we going back to the days when Hugh Hefner didn't need Viagra? WHO the FUCK is still smirking about CUBAN cigars? 

I'm surprised faggoty Joe Jonas didn't also weigh in on beer. After the CUBAN cigar preening, I was expecting: "I like a DARK beer," and maybe name some darlingly obscure company that charges $50 a bottle. 

Christ, it's supposed to be COOL to be in love with "Shaq?" Really? Still? Despite the fact this cross-eyed goon hasn't played basketball in years?? Oooh, and Joe has a "jackknife collection." That means we should ALL collect weapons? A jackknife isn't as pointy as the top of Jann Wenner's cocksucking head. 

So This is Christmas And What the FUCK Have You Done?

Remember 2015?

That was supposed to be the year 23-year-old BASKET CASE was to become a superstar, with sold-out concerts and...THAT FANTASTIC ALBUM OF ORIGINALS. 

With nothing much else to cover, she even got her plain face on the local paper's website. 

Remember the article? A YEAR AGO, this bitch was supposed to be on her way, with enough money to have that album out and IN EVERY STORE for CHRISTMAS. 

So, over a year later, and what the FUCK is going on? The arrogant princess wants more government grants, more people to indulge her, and more $$$$ tossed at her feet by ADORING fans. 

Her puny GooTube numbers don't bother her. The money she's already wasted doesn't bother her. In fact she's too busy bothering people with her egocentric self-entitlement to realize she's a bother. 

Another year and she'll be doing the Bristol Stomp, pounding the floor and screaming at the baby, "Stop crying, I can't help it if breastfeeding ain't getting you anything but a teaspoon of dry milk." 

CURVED LOGIC

A sad and dangerous thing about Farcebook and Twatter, is that beloved entertainers expose their stupidity and questionable politics for all to see. 

The odds are, you're going to lose respect for the glamorous D-lister who spends her day pandering to her retarded followers ("Any questions??") and shilling ("Get merch on my website!") 

You're gonna wonder why everyone from Cleese to Piers has to spend HOURS of the day arguing with the nameless trolls who insult them. 

You're also going to wonder why Farcebook people who you'd think have some measure of fame and money, are behaving at the same level as a bored housewife in Lompoc, California. Gee, thanks for sharing more cat videos and snapshots of yourself having dinner. 

You discover that rockers you admired for being cynical, end up posting sentimental twaddle and mewling, "This brought me to tears." 

But politics. Jesus, that's the worst. Embarrass yourself by showing how you lean...toward the toilet with the rest of the shit. Share a fucking MEME. What country are you living in, lady? Why not take a fucking plane to Havana? Oh, right, with you plopped into a seat, the plane couldn't take off. 

A Happy Basket Case

"Hey everybody, great news for ME! 

I'M wonderful! There's no singer in the WORLD as fabulous as ME! 

I will be playing PINOCCHIO at THE LITTLEST THEATER IN BRISTOL. It seats about 10 people. I am almost SURE there will be a FULL HOUSE! 

Millennials: the Musical (no thanks, little snots)

Twitter was “trending” with “Millennial Musicals.” 

What IS the "thinking" behind this type of shit? 

"Wow, my ambition in life is to start a #hashtag game that GOES VIRAL!" Really? What's in it for you? 

Or does everyone work in an office and spend their days fucking around on the Internet?  

Hey, everyone, show off how clever you are, for free. Pretend you're on the staff of "The Tonight Show," only you're just wasting time on Twitter. 

An irony is that the paid writers on "The Tonight Show," run into the ground by puppy Jimmy Fallon, actually USE this ploy. Every week puppy Jimmy snickers and posts a #hashtag topic, and all his Tweeties rush to contribute something funny so that MAYBE they'll be one of the five who get their Tweetie spoken on the air. For freeeeeeee. 

As you'd expect, "come up with a musical for Millennials" yielded a lot of duds. Some of this shit I either didn’t even understand. Or didn’t want to. For instance, Beauty and the Bae, Baes & Dolls, Sunday in the Park with Bae, Little Thot of Horrors, "Fiddler on Fleek, Hedwig and the angry man bun and Phantom of the Man Bun. 

These were OK: 

Rent: My mom pays it.

Okla (I'm living at) Homa!

How to Succeed in Life By Being on Youtube

Jesus Christ, Everyone's a Superstar

Gentrification of the West Side Story

The Sound of Free Music

Willy Wonka and The Fair Trade, Gluten Free, Locally Sourced, Artisanal Chocolate Factory

The Sound of Auto-Tuned Music 

The Best Little Parents' Basement in Texas.

Meh Fair Lady

LOLCats

Instagramalot

Well, funnier than the list of jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.