LOU REED knows "Pirate Bay" Pussies and "Spotify" Assholes

Hey babe, the guy knows a man from a woman. He knows shit from Shinola. And he'll tell you that asshole bloggers, and douchebag forum members and twat-brained torrent downloaders do NOT support artists.

On stage a few days ago with Grey Group’s worldwide Chief Creative Director Tim Mellors, Reed punctured a lot of balloons. He said that digital music “sounds like shitt,” and as for digital downloads, he mentioned how his first royalty check was for $2.60 and “it’s pretty much what I get from downloads now. I’m back where I started ... I understand young people were brought up on downloading and Steve Jobs tried to make it into some kind of business which benefits Apple but you get about a sixteenth of a penny...The musician doesn’t get paid anything.”

This is just another reality check brought to you by someone who doesn't think Kim Dotcom was or is a nice guy. Or that Rapidshare or Pirate Bay or Kickass Torrents are run by ethical people who care about the artists any more than a CEO cares about a factory worker. Or that copyrighted creative content on the INTERNET should be FREEEEEEE and there are no consequences to such a Communistic, Fascistic and stupid and selfish and evil idea.

MAGICIANS? AIN'T NO SUCH THING.

I don't like magicians.

They're a bunch of show-off sociopaths. A bunch of phonies. A bunch of shit-for-brains losers who spend most of their lives monotonously rehearsing with stupid shit they bought at a magic store.

At best, you can say that they entertain moronic, easily-fooled dolts and aren't picking pockets, hacking on the Internet or tricking ATM machines instead.

Some invest quite a bit to call attention to their load of manure. Nobody seems to tire of variations on the levitation trick.

It's a TRICK.

Call these assholes what they are: TRICKSTERS.

"Our next act on the bill is a TRICKSTER..." Not a "magician," not a "psychic" not a "mystic." A TRICKSTER.

You know the biggest problem in the world? That Darwin was WRONG...and people are stupider than ever, more gullible than ever, and so easily prone to following magicians, religious leaders, pro wrestlers, and other con artists. GET REAL, FUCKHEADS. You believe in Bieber. In In the Pope. In Allah. In 3d Movies. In TRICKS used to keep you from reality.

The most pathetic and obnoxious shit on the "Got Talent" shows involves "magicians" stinking the stage. Most of it is so blatant and obvious and hacky...some asshole in a funny outfit, waving his arms, gesticulating to some chick in tights, shows off the "magical" apparatus he bought, which is usually a box. At some point he has to PUT A CLOTH OVER THE BOX so YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

Then he uncovers the box and the "magic" happens. Whatever was in the box is gone. Or gone and replaced with the chick assistant, a car, or an endangered and maltreated tiger or leopard.

"I've never seen anything like that," says Simon Cowell. "I have no idea how you did it."

Right, and, Simon, do you have any idea how Jim Jones did it? How Saddam Hussein did it? How James Holmes did it? How Manson did it? How Bin Laden did it? How Mark Chapman did it? How Susan Boyle became pretty? How Madonna could sing and dance at the same time?

A little more reality in the world would be good. Let's have a few less "leaders" and "Magicians" and "psychics" and "spiritualists" and people who claim to know what's beyond the beyond.

Penn and Teller or some comedy club guy who tells jokes and parodies being a magician...ok. There are guys who do mind-reading bits on cruise ships or who hypnotize people....know how it's done? They have plants. They also are skilled carnies who can pick up on which people will go along with whatever they're told to do. They'll admit, "Yeah, I just whisper to them "Play along" and they're happy to be performing with me and part of my act. They'll swear to their friends they didn't remember a thing!"

If people play along with phonies, if people want to be phonies, and they'll do it for applause or part-time bucks on a cruise ship...imagine when the stakes involve throwing a fight, leading ignorant losers into joining Scientology, or in taking over a government and a country and having babbling fanatics willing to kill anyone you don't like including an entire race of people? MmmmmmMAGIC TIME!

If I want to amuse an 8 year-old, I'll take out my marked cards or "stripper" or "Svengali" deck and go through a few stunts for a minute or two. This gimmicked magic store shit took me less than an hour to learn and it's good enough for the demand to "do some tricks." The important thing is that somebody with the brain of a child asked. And the kid was smart enough to ask to see a TRICK and not MAGIC.

PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, ABBY ELLIOTT

The comedy team of Bob and Ray made a career out of taking a magnifying glass to what was mundane and pathetic...and with subtle distortion...making it laughable human comedy.

THIS Maxim photo of Abby Elliott (grand-daughter of Bob Elliott, daughter of Chris Elliott) is not funny.

Mundane (a slightly pudgy blonde in her undies) yes. Pathetic (she could be an employee at a dollar-a-minute porn shop peep booth asking, "Did you come? Can I get you a kleenex?") yes. But funny? Sexy? A good career move? NO NO NO!

If you don't know who the fuck Abby Elliot is, that's because for four years she was on "Saturday Night Live" in the bullpen area with creatures named Vanessa Bayer and Naseem Pedrad. One did a good Myley Cyrus if you cared. Another did Zooey Deschanel. All three (or was it two and a guest star) could do Kardashians, or generic nasal porn stores and Valley Girl idiots. Whatever...most viewers were waiting for Kristen Wigg to wave a pair of Thalidomide arms with deformed fists in "edgy" sketches skewering Lawrence Welk. Or they were mourning the loss of Amy Poehler playing a one-legged piece of trailer trash or Tina Fey showing off the scar on her cheek while reading the fake news.

Variety actually ran an article wondering "What Killed Abby Elliott" as opposed to "How Posing for a Lad Mad Put the Final Nail in her Coffin."

It's sad that in the 21st Century, any woman has to still resort to the cheesy cheesecake photo shoot, the leaked porn video, the wardrobe malfunction, the hissy-fit Twitter-rant, or the other weary stunts that might get her some publicity.

First and foremost, after so many years, the cheesy cheesecake photo shoot is the oldest, tiredest and (if you have the wrong body and face) the most awkwardly humiliating ploy around.

I haven't seen Bob Elliott in years. He's moved up to Maine somewhere, and is about 95. Perhaps he's not been shown the embarrassing Maxim mess. Chris, who once speciaized in gruesome humor and was a favorite of David Letterman (to the point where the elusive Dave actually made a cameo in Chris's bomb "Cabin Boy") probably has enough film residual income to only humiliate himself when he thinks it's going to get his beloved mix of snickers and groans. Abby, only 26, got polite chuckles on SNL and lasted a while. Many cast members before her, such as Victoria Jackson, Chris Kattan or Horatio Sanz, went through the hourglass and ended up buried, no matter how big and ready for prime time they thought they were. This photo is career quicksand.

It seems to prove Hedy Lamarr wrong when she said looking sexy is easy, "All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." You can't look stupid and also awkward, neurotic, tentative, anxious and totally lacking in confidence. If you're known as a comic, and you're gonna pose in somebody else's underwear, at least play it for a gag and have people laughing with you not at you. That's how Chris Elliott would've done it.

Low Class Fat Slob Gov. Chris Christie Should Fly At Half Mast

What do these three have in common?

Yes...the American Flag went to half mast in New Jersey for all of them.

Billy Joel sang about the "New York State of Mind." His lyrics were about the places he loves.

What's the "New Jersey State of Mind?" Drunk and disorderly. The lyrics would be curse words.

Crisco Christie has been to hundreds of Brooose concerts and his idol STILL thinks he's a fat turd! Broose won't validate this blowhard with front row freebies and a photo op. Brooose wouldn't denigrate the American flag by cutting it to half mast just because somebody from New Jersey died.

In the tri-state area, where Jersey is the most trying and embarrassing state of 'em all, most have been disgusted by Christie's latest flag descecration...which follows his peculiar orders after Whitney Houston died, and Clarence Clemons. As if those are the ONLY celebrities born in New Jersey who have died since Fatboy became the governor.

It does take a lot to humiliate a state that has endured the joke of "Snooki" and "The Situation" and a bunch of total assholes showing how ugly, stupid, petty, dopey, classless and just plain shit-headed people from Jersey can be. Even CRISCO CHRISTIE refused to have a photo op with ugly little whore-of-the-shore Snooki because that stupid "Jersey Shore" MTV reality show was such kick in the groin to however many decent, normal-talking people live in the garden state.

The simple fact about flag waving, and flag lowering, is that it generally involves heroism. It's an honor reserved for soldiers and statesmen who have made a difference involving life and death. It's for great people who served their country without a script.

Some fucking actor dies. Some fucking singer overdoses. Somebody who played sax to give Broooose a shot of soul...these people were rewarded with fame beyond their wildest dreams, money almost beyond the capacity to spend it, and NO...lowering the flag is NOT needed, and it's an insult to the true heroes of this nation.

FUCK you CRISCO CHRISTIE. In the United SANE States of America, we don't lower the flags for dumbass singers who sound like car alarms and have influenced nothing but the sales of aspirin and the bad auditions of karaoke fart-heads on American Idol. We don't even lower them for teachers or doctors who "merely" guided hundreds and hundreds of school kids into adulthood or kept a neighborhood strong and healthy. We don't do it for gun violence victims who died because their government and their fat ass governor refused to pass laws that could have protected them

We don't lower the flags because God chose to end some actor's run of performances. You believe in God, fat slob Crisco? Then believe God said it was time for Gandolfini to GO, and keep the fucking flag where it belongs. Have some fucking perspective, even if the top of your head is so far, far, far away from the rest of your disgusting body. Gandolfini was not major competition for Ernest Borgnine, Jackie Gleason, or any great star who played an everyman character, and this guy played a fucking gangster and that's all he was known for. Houston's achievement was to destro-oooo-ahhh-ooooo-ohhhhh balla-uh--ahh-ahh-ahh-oh-oooh-oooh-aaaahds with show-off vowels that actually distracted from the lyrics. Clemons the "Big Man" played sax, and so could a thousand black guys who at this very moment are stationed in various shitty parts of New Jersey with a paper cup asking for a quarter.

New Jersey is half-assed with the half mast bullshit. The state of New Jersey continues to find an unhealthy pride in its reputation for stupidity and gangsterism...and having an arrogant fat slob for a leader. You know, New Jersey, who died recently and who was a great American? Frank Lautenberg, soldier and statesman. Hey, he could even pronounce words correctly. In New Jersey you are remembered with greater awe if you can't speak like you've got a brain in your head or you didn't grew up in a garbage can or you don't have a sax jammed into an oriface. What are you teaching the people of New Jersey, Crisco Christie? Bet you'll be waving the flag on July 15th...for the return to stores of Hostess Twinkies. You fat fucking disgrace.

HYPOCRITE PIGS SMITHFIELD FARMS AX PAULA DEEN; YET TREATED EMPLOYEES LIKE NIGGERS

Oh, so let's get this straight.

Paula Deen, a fat ugly sow of a Southern twat, who advocates heart-killing fatty recipes, is being witch-hunted without a trial, and cut from endorsements without being given a chance to defend herself.

Seems that all it took was a WHITE employee filing a lawsuit (not ruled on yet) blowing a lot of whinge over (sob sob) what an awful woman this Deen is to work for, and (cry cry) how some of the employees tell racist and sexist jokes and (bawl bawl) the asshole she's married to, named BUBBA yet, presided over some crappy restaurant where somebody or other used the N-word.

N-word in this case isn't NON-PALATABLE or NUTRITIONLESS but NIGGER

NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER. You know, the word Lenny Bruce took on, and George Carlin, and Richard Pryor...and that Paul Mooney uses so often he laughs and sayes he'd giving whites in his audience a "NIGGER HEADACHE."

You know...NIGGER. That's NIGGA with an ER at the end.

You know what, to use the brilliant phrase of Mr. Simon Cowell, "if I'm being honest," I give credit to fat-faced Southern shoo-fly pie cheeked Paula Deen for saying that it wasn't uncommon for her to use the N-word....about 30 years ago. But that she doesn't recall using it since.

That's her story, and she's sticking to it (and I assume she's being honest). If Paula wanted to be a little more honest, she might have added that Southerners, white, with no NIGGERS around, might just be prone to some uses of that word (no, I don't think the coy "N-word" is worth endorsing here)...when there's a news item involving some brutal rapist who happens to be black, some bunch of blacks who happen to shoot a white store owner to pieces for no reason, a black hobo who bites the face off a white hobo...that just might provoke a mutter of "damn crazy nigger there..." just as, in some lovely Northern town, it would provoke a cry of "oh the poor person of color, there but for fortune..."

So who the fuck fires this bitch Paula Deen? SMITHFIELD of all people. You know, the pork-suckers who are so All-American they're making deals to get the Red Chinese commie shits to own their company. (As chronicled below).

Now, what makes these SMITHFIELD PORK CUNTS so fucking high and mighty? THESE HYPOCRITES? THESE SCUM? THESE ANTI-AMERICAN SHITS who are in bed with the Red Chinese and don't care who gets hurt?

"Farmed animals aren't the only ones abused by Smithfield. In 2006, the National Labor Relations Board ruled that Smithfield was illegally firing, threatening, and even beating workers who asked for better working conditions and a small wage increase. A U.S. Court of Appeals upheld the board's ruling, condemning Smithfield's intimidation and abuse of employees..."

That's PETA talking.

That's 7 years ago. Paula Deen admits she may have used the N-word back when Jimmy Carter was President? Now who, I ask you WHO is more likely to have remained the same? A dirty dealing disgusting bunch of pig-farmer swill called SMITHFIELD, who recently demonstrated a love of the inhuman cocksucker Commies who are known for letting factory workers drop dead to the floor...or Paula Deen, who just might have some black employees in her employ, some black fans buying her lardy recipes, and just may have found that "they don't all look alike" or act alike.

SOME humans are PIGS. There might be a few decent ones at Smithfield, but very few. Paula, you're enough of a redneck idiot stereotype without your fucking face on a canned ham. Just how "racist" you are HAS YET TO BE PROVEN IN A COURT OF LAW. Christ, even creepy Harvey Levin, the lawyer who runs TMZ says it's obvious Deen is not a "racist," and she's being scapegoated.

Paula, ignorant, lard-brained obnoxious redneck panderer to morons, you shouldn't have been fired by those hypocrite pigs at Smithfield. Those communist-loving anti-American lousy-place-to-work SWINE at Smithfield. PS, Smithfield, in case you need words of one syllable to understand what I'm saying to you: EAT SHIT AND DIE. In other words, EAT WHAT YOU SELL. .

IDIOT ALERT: "GANDALF" STILL ALIVE. JAMES GANDOLFINI DEAD.

BULLETIN...BULLETIN...BULLSHIT...BULLETIN...

Traveling with the speed of Google, I want to ALERT THE COUCH POTATO MORONS, NERDS, AND COLLECTORS OF MAMMOTH BLU-RAY DVD BOXED SETS (upgraded from DVD sets, upgraded from VHS sets)....

The fictional character GANDALF did NOT die of CARDIAC ARREST

The fictional character TONY SOPRANO died.

Just how it's possible for ANY fictional character to die, well, it's an Act of God. Or the New York Post.

PS, actor James Gandolfini played the role of Tony Soprano.

It's all just tragic news for dullards who throw themselves so whole-heartedly into another dimension...a dimension of wizards, or dragons, or fucking Mafia thug scumbags and dimwits.

In other words, I have had very minimal glances at any stupid shit HBO fantasy shows, "Harry Potter," "Sopranos," and whatever fictional thrones, warriors and wiseguys people think should matter to me.

The New York Post, being within smelling distance of New Jersey, is treating the death of James Gandolfini with more gravity than the deaths of Jimmy Hoffa, John Gotti or Mussolini. After all. quoth dumb-as-the-Post:

"In the HBO series, Gandolfini created a gangster different from any previously seen in American television or film. He was capable of killing enemies with his own hands but was prone to panic attacks. He loved his wife and was a doting father, but he carried on a string of affairs..."

Wow. What an admirable fucking thug, huh?

Give credit to Gandolfini, maybe, for being a fine actor for this role...except he looked like a fucking thug, and the rest of the cast looked like typical New Jersey assholes as well.

Speaking of New Jersey assholes, Governor Grease Crispy, or whatever his name is, who flies his pants at half-mast most days because he's a typical New Jersey slob, had this to say about Gandalf. Oh...no no no, Gandolfini:

"I was a huge fan of his and the character he played so authentically, Tony Soprano. I have gotten to know Jimmy and many of the other actors in the 'Sopranos' cast and I can say that each of them are an individual New Jersey treasure."

Right, Governor. "New Jersey Treasure" is also a term used for dog shit on an Asbury Park beach.

Nobody's wondering how a 51 year-old man, meaty as Gandolfini was, happened to drop dead in Italy. Just a coincidence that he played a Mafia gangster which continues to spread a certain unsavory image about Italians. An image they sometimes want to, uh, rub out.

Coming to the rescue, a genius at CBS news by the name of Ryan Jaslow.

CARDIAC ARREST EXPLAINED!

CARDIAC ARREST occurs WHEN THE HEART STOPS BEATING.

Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan.

Now, this has all been such sad, sad news, so it's important to point out the GOOD.

REMEMBER!

GANDALF...LIVES!!!!!

Who's Afraid of Hairy Fairy RUSSELL BRAND?

Too many. Too many are afraid to say that Russell Brand is not amusing on stage or film or radio, and mostly exists as a bullying celebutard…one of those chat show "raconteurs" who blobby housewives and brain-dead nerds find "shocking" and "edgy."

The Daily Fail, a fawning, yawning babloid from Britain, threw crumbs of praise at mousy Russell Brand the other day. Ooh, the great "razor sharp Essex boy" (as they called him) got the better of…a pair of dimwitted interviewers at MSNBC. Wow. MSNBC. That's an obscure cable channel that happens to be available world-wide even if the ratings suggest it barely keeps anyone alert in Wyoming.

MSNBC, like so many busy cable, local and indie channels, has no money for their empty-headed chat shows, so they can't hire many fact-checkers or pre-interview experts. This means that the average asshole making the publicity circuit to promote a shitty book, shitty concert, shitty movie or shitty TV show…will be asked simple obvious questions, or even clueless ones. Hostess Mika Brzezinski opened with "He's a really big deal, I'm told…I'm not very up on pop culture."

PERFECT set-up for a bullying pseudo-intellectual feline like Russell Brand, who can make himself seem like Oscar Wilde as long as he's dueling with some dazed drone who has to interview a half-dozen morons every morning. Maybe Mika is usually assigned guests who talk about politics, advances in medicine, or have uplifting human interest tales of courage. With a host who isn't trying to provoke, a guest should simply be polite and understanding. If the guest's a comedian, then have a sense of humor!

The interview quickly deteriorated into ugly unfunny grumbles from Russell Brand…which the Daily Fail thought were awesomely hilarious. He made "mincemeat" of hapless Mika and her other stooges they claimed, running "rings around MSNBC hosts."

Really? Brand sniggered to one of them, "Is this what you do for a living?" Answering the logical question of how Americans would do understanding his accent (and comedians from Rowan Atkinson to Billy Connolly have failed to succeed with stand-up here), he sneered, "I am from a country quite near to yours." Well, no, Russell, there's an OCEAN separating us and it isn't wide enough if there's a plane heading here with YOU on it.

Brand eventually resorted to staring at Mika's cleavage ("I've got instincts," he ad-libbed) and when the woman went for a water bottle, he called her a "shaft grasper." And, the Fail added with glee, "He compared her hair style to that of the late Princess Diana."

Are you laughing?

When you're billed as a "comedian" you're supposed to be funny. Your excuse isn't that you're Ann Robinson and your game is looking sour and saying snippy obnoxious crap schoolmarms say. Your excuse isn't that you're Donald Trump, a witless businessman, and so "You're FIRED" is as clever as it gets. But it seems that Russell Brand is actually just famous for being famous. Unlike, say, Ricky Gervais or even Nathan Lane (to mention two who don't act quite as fey as Russell does) does he really get to waste time on the chat show couch merely fawning, mewling, puking, and acting like a tiresome fifteen-year old prodigy from Children of the Damned?

Were you really amused or smiling at Brand's limp Katherine Hepburn imitations languidly hurled at MSNBC's hapless hosts?

Do you think, as the Daily Fail did, that this was all worthy of being reported, complete with YouTube links to see this stupid bit of time-wasting filler?

A put-down about a hairstyle? If you overheard some wanker say those things to the box boy and the cashier at Tesco, you'd think, "What a mannerless, witless little piglet-swine." You wouldn't think, "that witty fellow belongs on TV, and I'll pay big money to see 90 minutes of it on stage." But to The Daily Fail, this is WIT. Hey, Failures, my idea of a "razor sharp Essex boy" is Ian Dury. What Ian Dury and Russell Brand have in common is that they are both brain dead. One of them just doesn't have enough sense to drop six feet under.

Which leads me to repeat the question:

WHO'S AFRAID OF HAIRY FAIRY RUSSELL BRAND?

90% of journalists, it seems. They can't stop praising The Pip of Squeak.

An exception, over at The Guardian, is Sarah Ditum. Unfortunately she comes off sounding like a humorless feminist, which may only be a response to Brand, the humorless effeminist.

As for the A-list or B-list talk (chat) shows in the UK where Brand thrives…they let him primp and prattle, hoping he doesn't insult them personally. As long as the prepared questions lead him to show off prepared (but still lame) insults at airlines or cab drivers or whatever, the hosts are fine. But why book this talentless skinny androgyne creep at all? Why is it that people are so intimidated by any loudmouth egocentric who wants attention? Bad enough when it's some bitch with fake tits who might be worth staring at for a few minutes, but worse when it's a hairy bitch with an open shirt and no tits.

Russell Brand is essentially like Graceland…a dead spot that people can't resist gawking at. He began turning up on American TV as if he was a royal…and promoted a "bookie wook" even though nobody even knew what he'd done that could fill even a pamphlet. Even his great "scandal" was unknown in America…that hacky-dumb prank phone call he and moon-faced tangle-tongued radio twat Jonathan Ross played on a guy famous 20 years ago for saying "Que?" on a John Cleese sitcom

That should've been the end of him. But people were afraid. Why? He meekly ran for cover. He and WOSS both took a powder to the powder room, and patiently waited for the "all clear." That showed just what a bully Brand actually is…he didn't stand up to the fire and be true to his bad boy image. In fact, when WOSS got off suspension and returned to TV, Brand took a long time before making an appearance, and even then, skirted the controversy in order to promote a local gig. Yes, his royal pussiness gave a kind of effeminate toss of his slender fingers in refusing to go back and address his most famous "comedy moment" in detail.

Lately the news is full of another gutless story about Brand…that he broke up with Katy Perry via a text message. Whatever. The problems of these two hills of beans aren't worth a damn in this crazy world, a world where Casablanca and the rest of the Middle East could go up in smoke at any minute. Note to Russell: please book yourself for a few concert dates in Syria.

Perhaps everyone will now take note that there is NO reason to be AFRAID of RUSSELL BRAND. And he knows it. That's why he's carefully avoided stepping on the toes of any talk show host or any comedian who could bury him with barbs. He won't sit on a couch and insult Ricky Gervais or Tracy Morgan or David Letterman or Jeff Ross or Lisa Lampanelli or Jay Leno or Craig Ferguson. Some twit on MSNBC…yeah. That's how the pussy mews.

So far, Russell Brand has managed to thrive on his reputation of being a hirsute Tallulah Bankhead, but maybe a real man with real stubble like, oh, Russell CROWE will throw a fucking phone at this guy's head. Maybe a real woman (not Katy Perry) will sit on his face and turn him, finally, into the full-time raging queer that he really is. The world should not remain terrified of an under-nourished egocentric prima donna of pouts and pretention who, to quote an insult Fred Allen once hurled at Jack Benny, couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner.

#1 ALBUMS STARTING YOUR SUMMER IN HELL

LUCKY YOU!

OZZY'S reunion with BLACK SABBATH bowel-moved over 100,000 copies, and KON-MAN's YEEEEZUS is ALL over the Internet.

THESE ARE YOUR CHOICES AS SUMMER OFFICIALLY BEGINS....

A DUMB DROOLING DICKHEAD WHO WAS BRIEFLY WORTH HEARING ON THE FIRST TWO ALBUMS HE MADE (and mostly one cut, "Paranoid")...and A PRICK WHO CAN ONLY TELL THE WORLD HE'D RATHER BE A DICK THAN A SWALLOWER.

What else can you look forward to? The cunt-halves? Oh yes, let's all visit the gynecologist with Kim so she can tell us how much tightness her vagina's regained since she dropped the bowling ball...and let's all look forward to Sharon, the primping, campy, guffawing, bottom-lip jutting cheesy Gorgon of Zola as she returns from judging American twits to babble about no talent immigrant rappers and Beyonce-wanna be's on the X-crement Factor.

HELL...HELL...HELL...HELL...

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

Kanye West: HOW MUCH DO I NOT GIVE A FUCK

Stereogum (who?) posted a review of Kanye's new album. Stereogum ain't Rolling Stone, but sadly, Rolling Stone is also reviewing rap assholes regularly. These reviewers are so serious about this shit, as if Kanye or Jay-Z are Dylan, Beethoven, Cole Porter and Elvis Costello all rolled into one giant gas bag and ready to give us the BIG BANG into a better life.

Stereogum started with something about him "...riding the malfunctioning-star-destroyer glitch-screams (posing the) rhetorical question: “How much do I not give a fuck?

Then it turns out HE and Stereogum give a fuck. I don't.

Years ago I tried to care. I listened to his rap-theft song about the African diamond mines, which at the time was notable because most every rapper talked and didn't even attempt to sing. And he tried. He also was using Shirley Bassey for irony, much in the same way gays were using Shirley Bassey as background music for buggery.

Kanye West songs and gay sex...it may be important to Kanye and to the gays having the sex. Everyone else is better off doing something else.

I mean did Kanye's song hold my attention? For one play. Did it make a difference in the world? No, it didn't. We know workers are exploited, for many reasons, all over the world. Not just niggas in a mine in South Africa. How about kids in Malaysian factories? Kids in China? There are still unhappy braceros picking lettuce in California.

Worse...Kanye's song keep any of his dumbass nigga fans from buying diamond-crusted BLING? No. NO jewelry stores saw pickets saying "My Bro Kanye Says NO to Blood-Stained Bling." Instead, Kanye's affluent players bought MO' pendants and garish chains to show off diamond mine glitter...money they made pimping their sisters, hawking CDs of auto-tune garbage or selling stolen Apple iPods. They didn't give a shit about Kanye's moans over diamond mines.

Really, when was the last time music led people into change and positive energy? It's been, uh, a little SLOW since December 8, 1980, huh?

People don't give a fuck. Whatever is on a Kanye West album is to dance to, to take drugs to, to pretend that him saying it means something is being done about it. Fucking lame. Rhymes with SHAME, and the name of the game is it's all the same. Nine years this asshole has been putting out albums? All it's done is make him richer and more obnoxious.

So this IS the last time I'm ever going to mention this annoying POS Kanye West or his whore wife, even if they go down in a fucking plane crash and take Bruce Jenner with them, along with Amanda Bynes and Farrah Abraham.

As Mylene Farmer sang, FUCK THEM ALL.

Stereogum went on and on...what you see is almost all of it...you couldn't possibly want to read more than this...

but it shows how much some kind of "respected" music site views Kanye and the other hip-hop rap-crap auto-tune bling-banga niggas. Sooo baaaad.

BUT...I must add the four words that for a while made smirky Dennis Miller tolerable:

"I Could be Wrong."

It is possible, that just as contemporary magazines and newspapers gave prominent space to Bob Dylan and took him seriously at a time when people thought he was just a really bad Woody Guthrie imitation and most of his songs a lot of drug-induced babble...it IS possible that Kanye West is mirroring his generation and this world, and is saying things that are worth hearing.

But...HOW MUCH DO I NOT GIVE A FUCK?

Pedro no compra Joni Mitchell y Kirsty MacColl

Wanna buy a CD of Joni Mitchell? Carly Simon?

No. You don't. Free download maybe. But Joni thinks you're a shit, and won't put out new music. She knows that as evil as the "music industry" is, so are the mephisto devil demonoid mega-crapload skullfuckers and "pirates" who have killed off record stores and made the music die.

Carly had to go try and peddle her stuff at Starbucks hoping Yuppies would have enough left over for a CD after their $20 latte.

Kirsty MacColl? She got killed by a Mexican and no charges were ever brought against him. Hey hey, he was just joy-riding too fast in his boat and what the fuck, he never heard of Kirsty or her music. Even though Kirsty actually put out a whole album of tropical-tinged music. She was a GOOD liberal, our Kirsty, but the Latinos didn't buy her stuff, the white Brits did, and white Brits don't mean shit to Mexican politicians or the legal system there...so no justice for HER. Ever.

And that leads me to THIS:

Si. Pedro is not buying Joni or Carly, he's buying what you see above.

Whites are now a minority in some major cities. White artists are being ripped off by whites who know how to download off the Internet. So record stores try to sell what's left: garishly loud sound-alike salsa-reggae CDs to those "of color."

J&R is located in the Wall Street area. That's right, where the wimps of "occupy Wall Street" slunk away as hedge fund dealers and bankers chuckled. J&R used to have rock star signings. Now that Tower and HMV are gone, they're one of the only big CD-sellers around. But now...they can't stay in business on back catalog Joni. They can't have that huge classical record section staffed with people who could name the melody you were humming or direct you to the best version of a Schubert quintet (of which they'd have a dozen different ones!)

Despite J&R being where affluent whites are...and a tourist destination right near the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center...they're taking out ads to get Latino doormen and bus drivers and janitors into their shop.

Because the Wall Street bunch know how to download, the tourists from Holland know how to "share" for FREEEEE, and it's too bad that Joni and the others know the truth, which is that Spotify and iTunes and eMusic are worse than the music biz ever was in terms of royalties, and that mp3 sales are nickel and dime rip-offs for the artists, and the only thanks on the Internet is "thanks to the original uploader."

In a few years nobody will know who Nick Lowe is, not even Nick Lowe. Same for Graham Parker. Same for Eric Burdon. Same for Carly Simon and Joni Mitchell.

Was it really so bad when we bought a Joni Mitchell one week, and a Nick Lowe a few weeks later, and had some joy if a bargain bin had a back-catalog item or a used or promo album cheap? Wasn't it fun to discover a wonderful new artist just by looking at the album art, seeing the session players and maybe reading a lyric on the back of the jacket and taking a chance? Isn't it true that the most enduring stuff in your collection was acquired just as I described, and not via torrents of shit you downloaded and never even listened to? How many new artists do you listen to...and how many can get your attention when they're almost all self-producing and tossing it on YouTube and Spotify where it's lost in the maze and mess?

Que lastima.

Don't hold your breath waiting for new albums by Joni or Carly, or a re-issue of rare Kirsty, or the chance to discover fantastic new talent as when you cracked open those albums by Elvis Costello and the other Stiffs, or discovered Split Enz or Squeeze or The Smiths.

Hasta luego.

KANYE & KIM in 2024. PS: FREE KANYE ALBUM AT KICKASS

It's been a KKK weekend, hasn't it?

The news has been ALL ABOUT KANYE and KIM. Oh. And KICKASS.

KANYE'S NEW ALBUM arrived along with A NEW DAUGHTER.

This was FRONT PAGE news on almost every American tabloid. Aside from sane papers such as the New York Times, THIS shit was what America wanted to know about. So...

The way things are going, KANYE WEST and KIM KARDASHIAN will run for President and Vice President by 2024 and WIN.

Why not? He's successful. She's BEAUTIFUL. They represent what America is all about...money, greed, stupidity, porn, attitude and selfishness.

In another eight years or so, the population of America will be skewed almost totally in their favor. Not too many intelligent people are having kids anymore. They heard of Leonard Cohen, and that lyric line, "I've seen the future and it's MURDER."

So that leaves it to the over-populating pigs. Of which Kanye and Kim are prime pork.

The newspapers, for the past few months, couldn't get enough of pregnant Kim Kardashian photos and she obliged by stripping practically naked so there could even be medical exam shots of her and her precious pot belly.

The newspapers couldn't stop speculating on what greatness would be on Kanye's new album...one of very FEW new releases being offered.

Critics are breathlessly quoting Kanye's brillant lines, like:

"There's leaders, there's followers. I'd rather be a dick than a swallower."

Or his line about "fuck you and your Hampton house, I fucked your Hampton spouse."

See, old Puff Daddy P. Diddy Sean Combs actually LIVES out in the Hamptons and his big deal was to become such a sharp businessman he'd actually have money in the bank, and not be a bankrupt asshole...the fate of various black celebs of the past.

Kanye? An improvement. Which is why he can run for President and win. Look, in a country that took Sarah Palin very, very seriously, his running mate Kim Kardashian would be an ASSet. And all he really has to do is bully and blabber and shout "Nigga" and say "fuck" a lot, and oh, maybe "sample" some raps from JFK to Jay-Z during speeches. Wadda fuck. Promise a chicken in every pot and fiddy cents change.

Hell, this guy hasn't even complained that Internet piracy makes him a slave. A nigga. Somebody who is getting cheated.

No, he's making so much money, he's so IN DA BLACK, that it's ok if KICKASS and the rest whup some of his spare change away from him.

For you keeping score, KAT.PH, cyberhome of KICKASS, changed to KICKASS.TO

The BUZZ about how Kanye's album was "on the Internet, free..." was most certainly a happy shout-out to the homeys at KICKASS, who have easily surpassed Demonoid and become the go-to torrent for most everyone's FREE NEEDS. Is there really anyone under 50 who doesn't know how to get that leaked Kanye album free? Oh, maybe a few niggas in the actual ghetto (not the Hamptons) who don't yet know how to work a computer and have to do the old-school thing of buying bootleg CD-Rs off somebody on the sidewalk. But mostly...

Mostly everyone knows that KICKASS is going to be only a click away, and never shut down for more than an hour, no-matta-whut.

KAT.PH went under because some group or other tried to "ruin the fun," by shutting down the PH address? Ha ha ho ho hee hee. KICKASS was well prepared to instantly move to another cyber address, and it didn't take much of a Google to find it.

Get that FREE KANYE WEST download at KICKASS.TO. If that goes down, just go to ZeroPaid or Google for new directions.

Maybe those smart folks at KICKASS can be in Kanye's Kabinet. They can be secretaries of commerce. Or war. Or something.

"Keep going!" "Glad you're back!" "Don't let the bastards win!" "We love you guys!" "Kickass is GOD."

And the guys who run it, like the guys who run ZeroPaid and all the rest of that stuff...they don't make a PENNY. They do it because they like SHARING, and they actually make ALL their money selling t-shirts. Or something.

Nevermind. All's right with the world. The beautiful Kim Kardashian and the brilliant intellectual Kanye West have had their BABY. They will be in every newspaper for months and months to come, so we can see pictures of the baby, pictures of how quickly Kim's fat ass gets fatter, pictures of Kim having waldrobe malfunctions, etc. And we'll have more articles letting us read between the DICK and NIGGA words because anything Kanye West has to say is of vast importance to...the burgeoning population of Kanye and Kim fans. The ones that will hand him the PRESIDENCY by 2024.

Old school was to care about other people. This is the 21st Century. To be successful, you just need to be a DICK. And marry a cunt.

AHMADINEJAD HAS TO STEP DOWN AS PRESIDENT; GOES HOME

Who knew? There are even term limits in psycho-dictator countries like Iran.

A "moderate" was recently elected.

With no future in Iran, Ahmadinejad left the country and returned to the Victorian Terrace at 9 Madryn Street, his childhood home in Liverpool.

TIGER WOODS PAIN: SPANKING VONN TOO MUCH?

Does anyone care if a guy who makes 75 million farting around on golf courses wins another title? Or only makes six figures by finishing third?

Fuck the US OPEN. And stop boring us all with stupid ugly TIGER WOODS, and pictures of his stupid slut Vonn staring at him as he plays.

Vonn used to have a life. Guess it's a lot easier to just traipse around a golf course watching her meal ticket putter.

So WHAT is wrong with the great TIGER WOODS now?

His elbow is hurting. From spanking Vonn too much? We know his sext messages to previous trollops and tarts and airheads. Pull their hair. Spank them. Fuck 'em in the ass. That's what he liked.

Maybe his elbow got jammed when he tried to widen Vonn's anus. She told him fingers out, hands off, but hadn't mentioned ELBOW.

Prince William? Everybody knew it long ago.

FFS, this is news?

Years ago, one of his friends called up Prince William with a simple computer question

Prince William put him on hold, and every ten minutes came back saying: "Thank you for your patience, I'll have an answer for you shortly. Please hold."

An hour later: "I'm very sorry, your time is valuable, but it is now past business hours. Call back tomorrow."

Of COURSE he's part-Indian.

The Paper Industry! Saved by GOOGLE and MURDERERS!

It's not ALL bad news...

Hey, Jimmy Choo and you Fashionista assholes, and Galliano antisemites and Nazis...

YOUR TURN.

Stupid bitches ain't gonna be spending a lot on YOUR crap. They'll get little nephew and little brother to join BIG BROTHER GOOGLE in finding ways to download versions of YOUR stuff.

Since most bitches only wear their outfits ONCE anyway, WHY BUY WHEN IT CAN BE FREEEEEEEEEE?

That's right, Ms Mephisto, YOU can be a DEVIL IN PRADA, or JIMMY CHOO, just by downloading some stolen PDF-Origami thing off Kick-Choo-Ass or another torrent, or Zinfuck or some other blog, run it through your printer....

MMMMM.

And the gun nuts? Hey, NO BACKGROUND CHECKS.

Think about all the industries that can share the pain of the entertainment world! Music, books, films, TV shows...now FREE clothing, print-on-demand GUNS or just about anything...they're even toying with edible paper so you can print out FOOD!

Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha.

And who continues to make a fortune? GOOGLE.

And SAMSUNG (slime-covered copyright-finagling weasels that they are). And a few others that make the devices.

The GOOD news is that the paper industry is gonna profit! They've been suffering from nobody using envelopes to mail letters or post cards, nobody buying magazines or newspapers, and fewer and fewer wiping their asses with toilet paper (we call these people immigrants and second generation Taco Bell customers).

Just think...paper shoes to DIE for, paper guns to DIE for...

And FREE! FREE!

Which is vital, because unless you work for GOOGLE, or SAMSUNG, or AMAZON, or you've made your fortune off some fucking APP or some waste of time like FECESBOOK and TWITTER-BRAIN...you HAVE NO MONEY TO SPEND because YOU HAVE NO JOB.

KANYE WEST - GET HIS ALBUM FREE ALL OVER THE INTERNET

Hey, SPIN Magazine. You are SHOCKED, SHOCKED...to find Kanye's album leaked?

How deep are YOUR heads up your asses? Ever hear of kickass torrents? BLOGSPOT owned by GOOGLE where Kanye's Krap is being given away right this minute? GOOGLE, by the way, is the search engine where you can practically type in STEAL KANYE and get the latest!

Maybe, like the local record store or bookstore or video rental, it's time for YOUR OFFICE to CLOSE.

Because you are really a bunch of clueless shits. Your news is NOT news.

Soon enough, Google Traffic (or Google Up Your Ass and Down Your Throat and Monitoring Your E-Mail) will alert your advertisers that nobody is visiting your site anymore, that free PDF downloads of your rag are easy to get, that the Kanye-fans and other brain dead mammals do not read or care about your opinions...and YOU can become OBSOLETE.

Magazines are dropping all the time, either going bankrupt or going website-digital only (and then pruning the staff to get rid of retards who are SHOCKED, SHOCKED by the obvious, and what we've all known for years).

SPIN, as most know, was launched by dapper porn king Bob Guccione as something for his moronic son to play with. After Gooch-boy was done playing with himself and SPIN was just about ready to disappear down the sewer where it belonged, it was bought by someone else. BOUGHT. But we want FREEEEEEEE

And frankly, a piece of shit magazine or web-magazine that thinks a leaked music album is NEWS, needs to disappear. FOREVER.

Piracy is here to stay. YOU AREN'T.

Darwin was Wrong - Kanye West's Lyrics

Remember when lyrics meant something? Words stirred soldiers into battle, from Francis Scott Key to Irving Berlin. Words changed views on civil rights and social change from Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" to Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind."

Remember when your RECORD STORE had a half-dozen NEW RELEASES almost EVERY WEEK, and you could take out that inner sleeve and get blown away by the words of John Lennon, Keith Reid, Elvis Costello and so many more?

Now the big news and the only big release of the month is Kaka-Kanye's Krapola. His self-absorbed bullshit. This is what the entertainment world is about now. These are lyrics to study. This is music that is supposed to now be important in our lives.

At least USA TODAY puts "head scratching" in there, but you know Kanye's fans (and wife and sisters-in-law and Jenner) are pubic-lice-scratching morons, and ones who are dancing around to this shit with their fingers up their itchy anus cracks, thrilled by the descent into the fail-strom that marks and farts the Billboard charts.

THIS is what KANYE WEST offers...which is a far, far cry from when he showed some degree of promise by stealing Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds are Forever" and whining about miseries in the diamond mines of Africa.

KANYE's TOP TEN according to USA TODAY:

"I am a God/ ... Hurry up with my damn croissants!" (I Am a God)
"I just talked to Jesus/ He said 'What up, Yeezus?'/ I said, '(Expletive), I'm chillin'/Tryin' to stack these millions.' " (I Am a God)
"When I park my Range Rover/ Slightly scratched your Corolla/ OK, I smashed your Corolla." (Hold My Liquor)
"Baby girl, he's a loner/ Late-night organ donor/ After that, he disown ya." (Hold My Liquor)
"Damn, your lips very soft/ As I turn my Blackberry off/ And I turn your bath water on/ And you turn off your iPhone" (I'm In It)
"They be ballin' in the D-League/ I be speaking Swag-hili." (I'm In It)
"Star Wars fur/ Yeah, I'm rockin' Chewbacca" (Guilt Trip)

"It's so packed I might ride around on my bodyguard back like Prince in the club." (Send It Up)
"They order champagne but still look thirsty/ Rock Forever 21 but just turned 30." (Bound 2)
"She asked me what I wished for on my wish list/ Have you ever asked your b---- for other b------?" (Bound 2)

Melissa McCarthy is a Big Fat Hippo. Rex Reed's Right

Critics are ...critics.

This is what they do.

Rex Reed declared that Melissa McCarthy is a "gimmick" comedienne who trades on being obese.

She is. I saw this fat hippo on "Saturday Night Live" and all she did was fall on her big fat belly and plotz around the stage and make a big deal out of being a big fat hippo.

She was not funny. She was a big fat hippo.

If she did that shit on "Britain's Got Talent" Simon Cowell would've said the same thing.

McCarthy was in some stupid chick movie where...she got laughs for being a big fat hippo. I think she took a dump in the movie. Or threw up or something. She WAS funny.

Being a fat hippo can be hilarious. Toss Oliver Hardy into a mud puddle. Shove Curly of the 3 Stooges down the stairs. Fatty Arbuckle had a very successful career being a load of lard. Not too long ago obese Chris Farley danced around topless, and put his massive hands under his belly to bawl about how he lived "in a VAN by the river." OK, both he and John Candy dropped dead because of being obese.

Hey Hey Hey, Fat Albert, it happens.

So big fat hippo Melissa McCarthy pulls an Adele, and starts whinging about how Rex Reed has a problem? His only problem is that he writes for a pretty obscure peach-colored silly newspaper that really doesn't matter. And he's beginning to look too much like Raymond Burr.

But let's not deny the obvious, child. Reed was doing McCarthy a favor. Do NOT rely on flopping around and being a gimmick comedienne. Whether it's being the fat one, the lesbian one, the black one...an artist should rely on talent, not play the fat card, the race card or the sex card and take the easy way, because it'll only bore people a whole lot sooner. And I was bored the second time I saw this blob.

Victor Buono (who also died too young) put out a comedy album, and even a single, declaring "I'm FAT I'm FAT I'm FAT" or something like that. You'll recall "FAT FAT FATTY" as one of the biggest laugh lines in "The Producers," aimed at Zero Mostel (and in the re-make Nathan Lane)

There's something about overstuffed obese people that just begs for a pie in the face or a pratfall, or some other abuse. FUNNY...Melissa McCarthy didn't tell the director, "Hey, don't make me look like a fat fool by taking a dump and farting and looking like a cow..."

No, that made her a star. All that Reed was saying, was GROW UP, not GROW MORE FAT, and do something else.

Look at the first picture. Melissa is really not a bad looking woman. She does have talent. She should do more than trade on a gimmick.

Fat people often can't help it...it can be glandular issue of some kind. An emotional issue. As unhealthy as being fat is, it shouldn't be trigger an automatic and hurtful set of insults. Well, Rex Reed is not a schoolboy. He is a critic. His remarks concerned McCarthy's art and her future as any kind of interesting actress or comedy performer.

As with Adele, the issue isn't really with being fat...it's with denying it, or declaring obesity to be a GOOD thing. Know what happened after Adele got hit with fat-cow insults? She reduced. She got a little more human-looking. She appeared on magazine covers in glamour poses. Same thing happened after Joan Rivers began to make jokes about triple-chinned Liz Taylor. Rather than mewl about what kind of nasty guy Rex Reed is, and what bad place he's coming from, McCarthy should just take what he wrote for what it is...criticism. Suggestion. Advice. Don't just be a fat slob and fall down and expect everyone to laugh uproariously. Your career will be VERY short. PS, Chris Farley's career was VERY short. Obesity is not always a laughing matter.

KANYE IS DARK? - USA TODAY SAID IT, NOT ME

Hang on.

Did I actually read that headline on the great Kanye's new stupid-title album?

Did I really see the word DARK used TWICE?

Next, USA Today will call Kanye an "enigma."

Or describe some dance tune of his as a kind of jig.

Which could blacken his reputation.

Let's call a spade a spade here. There is NO excuse for spilling ink in Kanye's face this way.

"Dark and Abrasive?"

Can you say that?

Or did the preacher say it when Kanye and Kim got married?

"I now pronounce you Dark and Abrasive."

Nevermind. Let's all go over to KICKASS TORRENTS and download his new one for free. You remember what the slaves said after the South lost the war: AT LAST WE'RE FREE

And your "dark" music, too.

DIVORCE? But they were the PERFECT PAIR...of shits.

Awwww....

How terrible....

They are getting DIVORCED, and SHE will be getting millions of millions that HE gouged, finagled, extorted and lied to acquire.

But how can this be?

LOOK AT THEM!

They're both about the same age.

They're both so honest and intelligent-looking.

Like Angelina and Brad, you can see how it would almost be love at first sight. Right?

It's a shock. They also have greed, cunning, cruelty and mammoth egotism in common, and still...divorce??

Let me take another look at that photo.

Can't figure it out. In a room full of men, she'd HAVE to find HIM the biggest turn on.

And him? OK, Woody Allen already took Soon-Yi. And he probably thought it unseemly to just go to some opium den or Osaka massage parlor and pick out someone obedient who would sign a pre-nup and be grateful for a bed-sit in Grimsby if it didn't work out. He could've asked Tony Blair for the names of the hundreds of immigrant Chinese prostitutes that got through customs in a week...

Kim Kardashian - Any Difference Between Her Mouth and Vagina?

So sick of KIM KARDASHIAN and her SHITPILE OF SISTERS AND HER KAKA-KANYE but...

...the world's foremost media whore needs to have a doctor visit documented?

And it ends up breathlessly reported in the Daily Fail, and on other websites?

I guess sticking a tampon in your mouth IS news. If you're Kim Kardashian and the world's news priorities are fat ass backward

Lucas and Spielberg Get Their Heads Out of their ASSES

Golly, Mr. Lucas. Hey there, Spielberg. You guys finally noticed. The MOVIE biz is going the way of the record industry and the TV world and the book world...into the TOILET because of PIRACY and the INTERNET.

Lucky for you, you're both so old and worn out it doesn't matter.

Lucas sold out his "Star Wars" empire and Spielberg, well, let's just say "Lincoln" was quite a bore and part of that was his directing. He had an interesting arc between sci-fi garbage and things of importance, but he's done.

Lucas, the tiny-headed fungus on the left, finally got some sales figures?

Spielberg checked with an accountant and learned that "Lincoln" didn't put millions into his bank account?

FACT:

We saw the record industry die...radio stations go under, record stores go under, artists no longer able to sell enough to make recording worthwhile. Because of piracy. Everybody got it FREE.

We've watched TV degenerate into shitty reality shows and cheap game shows and badly-acted hack-written doctor shows and stupid zombie and vampire shit...because of piracy and the Internet. Why even WATCH tv shows when you can download porn, be a "gamer," or a Tweet-bird-brain? Why watch TV when it's on, when you can download the shows off a torrent, SANS The COMMERCIALS THAT PAY FOR THEM, and watch when you want?

We've seen the book industry collapse because of Amazon and their KINDLE...why buy a book when you can download it FREE?

Movies?

Christ, Lucas. Moses, Steve. It took you long enough, you sci-fi pussies, to get back to Earth and to reality.

NOBODY goes to the movies unless it's to see an EPIC 3-D spectacular that doesn't look quite so good on a camcorder download. That's it. The ONLY reason to go to a movie theater is for the BIG screen, or because you have brats and need to drag them out to a Pixar movie. That's all. Otherwise, wait for it to be FREE on the Internet, pull it off a streaming website, or pay the minimal price for Netflix.

The problem? Not enough go to these overblown special effects crapfests. Spend 200 million on a bomb (as Disney did) and you are in trouble. Make the same movie again and again and even the feeble-minded fans of jerky sci-fi and Marvel comic book junk give up. There's a limit even for the Comic Con mentality, on how much time to waste on dreary vampire movies and look-alike sci-fi and schmucks who can't act canned inside of Batman and Superman 6-pack-ab costumes.

So, yeah, that leaves it to the kiddies who WILL go to the same movie theater a dozen times to see the same fucking "Despicable" or "Shrek" movie again and again, but that's not enough to save the movie industry from, yes, imploding into nothing but "Blair Witch" camcorder self-made indie cheapie stuff that might make a profit just on a Netflix piss-stream of curiosity, or the minimum of law-abiding and semi-affluent people who'll actually buy a real DVD or Blu-Ray off DeepDiscount or Amazon as long as it's not TOO expensive.

But the blockbusters that were holding the film industry together...as Lucas and Spielberg realize...it's the beginning of the end.

Piracy and the Internet have combined to destroy creativity.

Piracy and the Internet have combined to make it so impossible to earn a living or to break even, that we are not getting the singers, songwriters, authors, film makers or competent actors that can enhance our lives with their art, give us perspectives and insights we need to cope with today's world, or to just escape into something a lot more interesting than Kardashian's butt hole, the esophagus of some yodeling cunt on X-Factor, or the drooling teeth of some dwarf or vampire or other mutant pile of shit on TV.

There will be LESS and LESS movies to watch, just as there are less and less new albums to listen to, and less reason to turn on a TV or even DOWNLOAD a TV show. Think HBO can afford to waste their money? Who subscribes to them or Showtime when their stuff is pirated on torrents so easily? How will they pay for more dwarfs, fake boobies and blood and spectacle and games of throw-up when they don't have the subscriber dollars? "Oh, sell some t-shirts, find a new paradigm, WE LIKE FREE..."

Steve, George, THIS is where your fucking entertainment is coming from. Ranting free bloggers! People are happy to pirate shit. They can go to YOUTUBE and find copyright-fucked whole movies and episodes of TV shows and songs and all the rest of it. Justin-case you don't know Justin.tv and the others kicking your ass, the torrents and streamers are like maggots and parasites and they will eventually reduce you guys to bare bones. But that's ok, you are both so old and emaciated you're practically dead as it is.

The entertainment industry is in collapse. You want amusement? I hope you found it in the disgusting rant you just read! It was FREEEEEEE

Farrah Abraham - Dumb Slut, Sheen of Douche-Water On her Ugly Tranny Face

Now THIS is amusing.

The latest fame-whore moron, Farrah Abraham, who made a Kardashian-type sex tape to get attention (and actually got a million for it, even though she's a nobody), has gotten kicked in the cunt by Charlie Sheen.

WHY? For trying to cash in on HIS fame by coming on to him...and then leaking the texts.

Sheen's response, for the world to read:

"Hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua, I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. Congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on your recent attempt at porn. Your daughter must be so proud."

"Please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. The world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life. "I'm sure they'll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o'clock shadow."

You tell 'er, Charlie.

Perhaps this will be a warning to other brain-dead sluts that everyone is tired, very tired, of leaked porn tapes, fake tits, cunts who think they can be famous for being famous, and all the rest of the nitwit glam Perez Hilton TMZ glitz-game. Find a brighter idea, dim-bulb sluts and losers. People need "razzle dazzle" to take their minds off the RUBBLE of bombs going off on their own streets? It needs to be a lot more interesting than Kim, Khloe, Katy, smelly old Spice Girls and ridiculous wanna-be's like "Farrah Abraham," clambox of the gutter.

While every day's news seems to have some machine-gun dick-head blowing people away and then posing for the cameras and pleading NOT GUILTY, the problems of some stupid bitch in rehab, some stupid bitch who can't keep her skirt down, or some stupid bitch making a porn video don't amount to a hill of beans.

And it took a bean-shitter like Charlie Sheen to bring the point home with his glossy rant, one worthy of Al Goldstein.

Don't stop with Farrah, Charlie. Rip apart other false, shallow, stupid, time-wasting idiot "celebrities" and no-talents. I don't think Russell Brand's fairy-intellectual cutie-wootie lip-biting coquette sneering could stand up to a Sheen rant. I don't think Bruce Girly-Man Freak-Face Jenner AND his three stinking Kardashians AND his piece of shit friend Kanye could take on Charlie in a debate. David Girly-Man Ridiculous Fat-Face Obnoxious Walliams and his boyfriend Simon would go running and hiding behind Ant and Dec if they saw Charlie coming toward them.

Thanks, Charlie. As Nigel Benn once said after a thorough beating from Sugar Boy Malinga, "YA DID GOOD." More of these morons need a verbal beating, if not an actual punch in the fucking face.

We All Work For Google, We Just Don't Get to Use the Pool

The GOOD Life...

Really, some things are just too disgusting to even comment on. Nice that 200 people DID comment on this the moment the Daily Fail posted the picture, but what can you say?

The Fourth Reich sure knows what they're doing. Let 'em eat cake, play arcade games, watch all the copyright-ignored full length movies or rock videos YouTube can hold...spy on your neighbors with Google View and Google Glasses...buy shit through Google Payments...buy more shit from companies Google has taken over...

And they just keep attracting all the smartest, nastiest, most Machiavellian Fascists and Nazis, just the way Uncle Adolph did. You select who to scapegoat. You gloss over your evil with CUTE things like the "Google Doodle." You present yourself as the nice, helpful group who only want you to get what you need from their free search engine, and hide your dirty secrets (like people paying for search placement in order to get above spam, porn etc.)

Uncle Adolph kept insisting he wasn't REALLY invading other countries, wasn't REALLY conducting weird experiments, wasn't REALLY killing minority groups that were helpless, wasn't REALLY having his Nazis take over the businesses run by Jews and substituting good German drones instead, wasn't REALLY planning on world domination, wasn't REALLY looting museums or determining what books people read, wasn't REALLY creating a decadent playground for his selected employees where they could orgy and abuse and be corrupt....

We all work for Google, don't we...by using their search engines, their blogs, their "services" and their entertainment and on and on. No way not to. And as we spend more of our lives on the Internet and choose our computers and streaming over TV and broadcasting, and Google News over a real newspaper...well, the less likely it will be that ANYONE, from Obama to Putin and back, from Donald Trump to Simon Cowell, will say one little word against them. Not even four letters. Not an N. Not an A. Not a Z. Not an I.

Harassment and Fraud is SPOOF. Maybel RAPE or MURDER is PARODY

Maybe you've noticed the apathy Internet giants like Google, Ebay, Paypal, Amazon and the others have towards your personal safety?

FUCK YOU.

Your bank. Your credit card company. They don't give much of a damn either. Go running around in circles due to identity theft, fraud, malicious harassment or hacking.

FUCK YOU.

You know what happened to you? YOU were the victim of...

a SPOOF.

SPOOF

As you might guess...I was just interrupted, TWICE, by fucking "SPOOF" phone calls.

The new rage among phone scammers is to get past caller ID (as if that's hard anyway) by coming through as something besides UNKNOWN, ANONYMOUS, or CARD SERVICES. They hack-rig a fake caller ID courtesy of gray-market crooks who run sleazy Internet websites (and get kicked off eBay every other day).

Just steal or invent a company name that tricks ME into thinking it's not a robot call but some company or someone I should talk to. Then comes the robo-message or the fucking conjob which can lead to outright swindle, identity theft or some tech-trick that alows someone to make calls I'll be billed for.

But...why not SMILE, because it's all just...a SPOOF

Ho ho, ha ha, hee hee.

As you see from the above, there are shit-brain ass-wipe bastards who are more than happy to sell their SPOOFING services and software so YOU can join the ranks of the rank.

SPOOFING has replaced that other adorable word PFISHING. Remember, little worm, when you got pfished? How long it took to straighten out the problem? All because you pressed the wrong link, got scammed by a faked up e-mail you THOUGHT was from a legit company you deal with...

Now the word is SPOOF

SPOOF, after all, is much happier and more harmless sounding, and your complaint about it is therefore SO trivial. What, don't you have a SENSE OF HUMOR about being SPOOFED?

SPOOF?

What are we living in, a fucking MONTY PYTHON sketch?

"No, not a spoof."

"Pfishing!"

"I don't want an argument, I want my identity back!"

"What was that, Mr. Spoof? Is that your name?"

"NO, IT IS NOT! My identity was stolen and..."

"And we can't be sure WHO you are, can we? Goodbye! Have a NICE day."

"Are you parodying me?"

"No. That was...a palindrome. A pun. Um, no...a SPOOF!

Anybody ever go to trial for this? And get a significant fine or sentence that ended the game?

"Spamford Wallace" kept at it. Kim Dotcom threatens to throw his Nazi weight around soon.

Hell, it's JUST a "Spoof" whether it's from a pimply LulzSec in mum's basement or the most sinister slimeball lording over some zombies in a boiler room or walls and walls of automatic dialers.

Well, listen, Newtown and the Boston Marathon...ultimately what we had was "Howdy Doody" and "Wide World of Sports" with a sob-track added. Might as well have called what happened "Parody," because no gun laws were passed and it never takes too long before the victims are forgotten and the perps are elevated to mythic status...just "awesome," dude. Let's make sure to treat that surviving Boston bastard nicely. Nurse him back to health. He's got teen girls who love him and are donating to him. And his mommy is not to be angered. And hey, leave his sister-in-law alone to wear her burka and use the American flag for a Kotex.

Incredible. Do you not think there are some people out there who've put a laughtrack and sound-effects to the footage of the Boston Marathon bombing, and play it all day long?

Call me old fashioned, but if it doesn't involve Leslie Nielsen, it's no fucking SPOOF to ME.

Oh...what a coincidence, here's something in the NY Times today...

EDWARD SNOWDEN is NOT the ASSHOLE ASSANGE

Yeah, when Beck and Moore BOTH agree...

Nothing much to add. A whistleblower isn't off sexually assaulting women and snickering about it.

An activist with integrity isn't a weasel hiding in a wetback embassy and plotting ways of making even more money than ever by committing more thefts.

What Snowden did was inform the public. Let people know that, yes, let's not forget what the term "BIG BROTHER" means. Understand that your ISP is more than able to supply people with your e-mails and that your pussy proxy antics are a schoolboy's joke. Or should I remind you where a few of those LulzSec brats are being incarcerated and the fines mumsy and dadsy had to pay on their behalf?

Choose your idol from mythology (Don Quixote and Robin Hood) or from the world of the arts (John Lennon and Lenny Bruce) or from the world of journalists (Woodward and Bernstein) and those that they listened to (like Erin Brockovich)

There's a difference between one who leaks and one who shits. Big difference between Edward Snowden and Julian Assange.

Phony TONY Awards - Broadway STINKS and SINKS

The truth about Broadway is that it's a tourist trap. Most of the shows STINK. Prices are so high that the only ones who can afford it are the idiot tourists and affluent gays.

Sales are DOWN. Which is what happens when you start to exclude so much of the population by flooding almost every theater with only two particular types of slime.

It wasn't that long ago when the page listing Broadway shows had variety...shows that were the equivalent of champagne, soda pop, milk, whiskey or some exotic mixed drink totally baffling and intoxicating in a unique way. Not now.

Theater isn't Bette fucking Midler camping it up with re-cycled "dish" insults stuck in the mouth of the dead and useless agent she's fake-portraying on stage at the moment.

Theater isn't YET ANOTHER FUCKING DRAG QUEEN MUSICAL (which won Best Musical this year).

Theater isn't supposed to be dimwit revivals of "Pippin" "Annie" or "Cinderella" so an overbreeding family can go back home to Armpit, Georgia and brag about it to barefooted friends.

But that's BROADWAY now. Mostly, it STINKS. Go to a show and be prepared for ill-mannered oafish tourist jackasses and just as ill-mannered rich-bitch gays and loudmouth lesbians having to call attention to themselves.

Last time I attended a show...my beautiful ladyfriend (a Tony Award winner, by the way) was holding her Playbill to the side of her head. At intermission she told me that the GAY next to her was chewing gum, pulling it out of his mouth constantly in long strands, and popping it back in. Yeah, gays are SO classy. What do they do? Suck cock and take it up the ass...somehow these two activities are synonymous with intellect, sensitivity and the finer things in life? And this creep has to pretend his gum is coagulated semen or something?

Time to hunt up someplace else to sit for the rest of the show.

Now it turns out Broadway's slumping under the monotony of gay-interest and "FAMILY" drek. Too bad. Too late.

It's sad that the world of theater doesn't have a better balance of shows anymore. Sure, give the families something wholesome. Give gays something to be proud of and call their own. Hell, I even forgive "Phantom of the Opera" running forever...and almost forgive the continued success of "Chicago" even if it actually has only two good songs in it ("He Had it Coming" and a song I tend to quote a lot: "Whatever Happened to Class") Most are even tolerant of Sting-k's "Spiderman" musical, which people go to see because it's a circus act.

But where's the balance? Last night's TONY show affirmed that it votes in a clique and pushes gay shows and kiddie shows. Oh, and throw in a PC award to somebody black once in a while.

No question the TONY awards underline that the stage is no longer a place of creativity, challenge and ART. The shows are either revivals (oh, "Pippin," what the world needs now) or re-runs of stale ideas (we had "Hairspray" in a REVIVAL and now fucking fat Fierstein is at it again with "Kinky Boots.") A variation was "Cinderella," which was never on Broadway (it was made for TV with Julie Andrews) but arrived stillborn with cliche choreography and some of the worst and most boring performers ever to trod the boards.

The TONY awards is known for empty-headed, smirking, preening, obnoxious ego-maniacs (mostly gay) prancing around doing "jazz hands" and telling the world that they should pay hugely over-priced tickets to swallow "glitz" and sit around eating cake. Isn't that what "Kinky Boots" actually is? Just icing? Just silly decoration as gays pretend to be women? The tasteless are telling us what our tastes should be.

Isn't "Annie" stale? People go to see a revival of an old piece of junk like this the same way they go to McDonalds for a warmed over apple pie and some fries.

TONY awards for "Kinky Boots?" When Lauper's music (as Sting's was) got panned by every critic? Oh well, Lauper after the show actually quoted "Wizard of Oz" lines from Judy "Dorothy" Garland. Too nauseating to quote here.

Let's be honest. Everybody knows Broadway is for gays and tourists. It's embarrassing.

"You like the theater? SHOW TUNES?? You must be QUEER!"

Damn.

It wasn't always like that. Not in the days of Helen Hayes. Not when "Fiddler on the Roof" and the gutsy "Man of La Mancha" were new. Even gay writers were turning out brilliant work and people went to see it..."Streetcar Named Desire" for example.

Going to the theater meant you saw powerful actors right in front of your eyes. You saw confrontation, real time. You saw in musicals, some truly exciting and rousing performances, made all the more moving because it was LIVE, not film. Christ, "Lenny" with Cliff Gorman. "Sweeney Todd" with Cariou and Lansbury.

Now? I can't even remember the last new musical that didn't suck. It may have been "Little Shop of Horrors" which was long ago, and campy but in a clever way. When was the last time a brilliant actor took to the stage alone and was brilliant? Christopher Plummer as Barrymore is the last I can think of. Although...you might add Dame Edna. See, I'm not in horror of female impersonation, it just has to have wit and a purpose behind it.

Straight plays? Mostly these are revivals. "Death of a Salesman" again and again. New plays from new writers? Where are they? What was the last one you heard of? When was the last time somebody said, "There's a brilliant play you must see..." Uh, "Equus?" Which happened to toss in male nudity? As did the play the grown-up Harry Potter starred in a few seasons ago? Don't even remember the title because it sure as hell didn't rival anything from Arthur Miller!

Most new plays are pretentious. The word "stagey" comes to mind. Most are of course concerned with gays, lesbians or transgender issues. It's usually a boring 90 minutes keyed to some pointless confrontation that has no real ending. No real ending, by the way, is one way of keeping a bad show going for a while. Critics can easily slam a play that doesn't deliver the O.Henry twist, but they don't want to look foolish by panning a play that was in some way over their heads or slid past their parameters of cool.

Today you check the Broadway listings and even if it's not $100 or more for a decent ticket, even if you stand on the humiliating half-price TKS line for a bargain, even if you are guaranteed to not be sitting with boorish noisy and distracting morons...what's worth going to see? Almost nothing.

But it becomes LESS than ZERO when the TONY clique rig it so that the tourists will flood the box office for either the GAY new show ("Kinky Boots") or the latest tourist-trap bring-the-kids FAMILY ATROCITY ("Matilda"). Those two shows slurped up all the musical honors. The straight plays? Hell, Tom Hanks didn't win, even if he was in the final play from Nora Ephron. Nope, the bitchy bitchy bitchies who vote were NOT going to do that. It went to some guy in a revival of Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," a vivid slam at two heterosexual couples. But why discuss the TONY phony awards any further, when all awards show are a farce? JUST to drive home the point that the TONY awards are part of the problem, and that Broadway STINKS as it SINKS and it's because of discrimination against good actors, good music, worthy writers...and a clique-driven pandering to gays, drag queens and mindless tourists.

INSTALL THE "SCHMUCK DETECTOR" -- KEEP NOISES OFF!

The emptier the skull...the more the need for NOISE.

Can you doubt that a lot of the chaos of the world is a reaction to loud, obnoxious behavior? You walk into a quiet library, you dare not speak. But you walk into a stadium of morons, and you might find yourself shouting and cursing, too.

Noise breeds crudeness, mean and nasty behavior and violence.

Want me to prove it to you in one sentence? What do you say when the dog wakes you up in the middle of the night?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

That's what you say. And if the damn dog continues, you get up in a rage and get ready to throw something.

Your whole personality has changed because of noise. Your blood pressure is up. You become noisy yourself, and could easily get violent, whether it's chasing the dog into another room or smacking it with a newspaper. No question is there? The reaction to noise is RAGE!

NOISE ANNOYS. It is bad for your health.

Agreed?

AGREED!

Now this is what can be done about it: INSTALL THE SCHMUCK DETECTOR.

Like so.

Install it for peace, quiet, productivity, and lowering the level of violence in society!

In many parts of our hellish world, a "smoke detector" is mandatory. It's the law. You have to have one of these nuisances installed AND WORKING. This is vital, so that when you cook a soft boiled egg, and a vague hint of steam rises from the pot, THIRTY FEET AWAY the fucking smoke detector in the living room goes WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE until you open all the windows and doors, turn on some fans and juggle ice cubes in the air.

How about every landlord being forced to install AND MAINTAIN the "SCHMUCK DETECTOR," which is set at a specific decibel level?

Go beyond it for more than a few minutes (the sound of a barking dog, an asshole drumming, a jerk playing rap music....) and there's a piercing sound and blinding lights, and an automatic call placed to the POLICE!

The SCHMUCK DETECTOR! Its needed!

Quiet is natural. The normal state of the world, when you walk in a meadow, a forest, or along a stream, is, at the most, calm, ambient noise, like the surf, or the gentle sound of the wind rustling the leaves. It is ABNORMAL when there is NOISE in nature. It is a signal of danger, whether the roar of a lion or the thunder of an approaching storm.

Oh, for Google and Apple and Samsung and the rest of them to take a moment from APPS and manufacturing smart phones...to making the SCHMUCK DETECTOR. They should understand the BIG money that could be made if EVERY home had to have a SCHMUCK DETECTOR.

As for those who need to let off steam? Let 'em do it the right way, same as people smoking AWAY from others. In civilized places, smokers can't pollute other peoples' air in a restaurant, at home, or at the office. So why should idiots make excessive noise at home? Let the noisemakers make all the din they want...the right way.

Imagine thriving bars where people GO to throw loud parties rather than have them at home.

Imagine a town's economy where people actually go BACK to bowling alleys and amusement centers and gyms and discos.

Imagine how easily a troubled town's debt could be wiped out at the expense of noisy morons having to pay huge fines!

Come on, this is a GREAT idea. If you don't think so...SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Praise JESUS. Serena Williams wins. "FALL ON YOUR KNEES" girl!

As predicted...(just scroll down) a WILLIAMS sister wins, and our willowy lollipop-headed Sharapova loses.

Anyone really care that much?

It was a novelty that Serena won the French Open...eleven years after she last won it. That's one for the trivia books, because the whole thing is pretty trivial.

Ho hum.

And what have we here? OH, what a SURPRISE...this woman has won HOW many championships? She was ahead a set, was leading easily, and she's SURPRISED, SHOCKED and has to go to her KNEES because she won?

How many times do we have to see this bullshit phony display of relief, surprise, God-fearing devotion, or whatever the fuck it is, that makes a tennis player instantly fall down after the final point?

NO other sporting event has this. Boxers don't do it. Olympic athletes don't. Golfers don't. Yet tennis players, who play dozens and dozens of tournaments a year, have to drop to the ground like they can't believe what happened, and it's such a relief, and a gift of God....

Sometimes the player's coach actually can be seen giving the signal: "GO DOWN!" Just to make sure the player gets that face-time moment of joy, humility and fakery.

Oh yes...and all through the game, the fucking fist-pump. The fucking fist-pump from a TENNIS player. Even MMA champs don't do it as often as these idiot tennis players! And in the stands...the idiot tennis players' family and coach and friends all fist-pump, too. Even psycho Islamic terrorists don't do it as much!

Nothing in the 6-4 6-4 victory for Williams was particularly thrilling, new, interesting or exciting. The one thing that I thought might be amusing...Serena speaking in French to the crowd, was not shown because of TV commercials! By the time the TV commercials were over, Sharapova was talking (in English) about "I'll be back next year." Oh, how quotable, Maria.

Fist-pump. Fall down. Zzzzzz.