World Cup Suckers: Google Makes It Worse

Rule of toe (if not thumb), "Google will make it worse."

It's toe in this case, because Google has been relentlessly flogging...WORLD CUP SOCCER.

As one of my blogger colleagues pointed out in a brilliant essay and dissection, it comes down to four words:

IT'S JUST A GAME.

Or another four words:

WHO THE FUCK CARES?

I fully understand that at times (24/7 it seems) we need to open the pressure cooker and feast on something pulpy. We need a diversion from bad news. But...WORLD CUP SOCCER ain't it. And GOOGLE constantly putting stupid animated graphics of bouncing soccer balls on the opening page doesn't help. But they, like Scientology, seem to get a sadistic delight in mind control.

In England, the main gripe is that their team never makes it too far, despite all the beer-drinking and bellowing. Well, what can you expect...they don't even know what game they're playing. The title of this event is WORLD CUP SOCCER. Not WORLD CUP FOOTBALL.

It seems that even in the stupidest countries, it's called Soccer, even though it's played with a ball that you kick with your foot.

Why one of the most intelligent countries can't call it SOCCER, I don't know. Then again, England popularized tennis, and why the fuck it's 15,30,40 and GAME rather than 1,2,3 and WIN, I don't know either. Michael Flanders indicated the reason was "Some of the debenture-holders'd be bound to get shirty." I don't know what that means either.

All digression aside, the event means nothing in America. Nothing. Even when Pele was playing for the New York Cosmos, nobody cared. And he was the best in the world, not an aging pretty boy has-been underwear model like Beckham. It'll take a few million more irritating jabbering immigrants from the hot countries before anyone cares about soccer in America. It's a stupid game. I played it when I was a kid, when there was nothing better to do. It was primitive, and bouncing the ball off your head...moronic.

So that leaves all the hot-headed idiots from South America and Africa, and the maniacs in Italy. Naturally Google has to play up this nonsense to try and brainwash everyone else into caring, but it's not gonna work. The main reason is that English speaking teams rarely win or come close, and we've all got better things to do. Tennis is going on, basketball and hockey are actually still going on, and baseball is going on. Plus there's always boxing and MMA.

The other day it was Friday the 13th PLUS a full orange-honey-colored moon. People had to yap about that (surprised GOOGLE didn't put up something cute, but they were busy with soccer animation). What the FUCK are we supposed to do? Stay in bed all day?

"Do you know it's Friday the 13th? AND a full moon?"

"Yeah, so let's go find a witch and throw her into the lake."

What was I supposed to do last night, go outside and howl at the fucking moon because this is the last time a full orange-honey-colored moon will show up on Friday the 13th in my lifetime? Great. There it is. I forgot my troubles for approximately 15 seconds. Or less, if some asshole walking his dog didn't let it pee on my leg.

Every day it seems people are trying to find some stupid thing to liven things up, or fight off depression. Tomorrow is "Father's Day." Get Dad a soccer ball.