Few things could tempt me back into the world of video games.
I'd need a PRETTY FACE.
And some comical, bumbling morons.
In other words, PRINCESS SHAUNA AND THE SUPER-MORON BROTHERS.
I was lucky enough to give it a test run, over at Un-Intendo.
You know their slogan: "If it's actually entertaining, it's Un-Intendo!"
According to the company owner, Slanty McGook, "This will be something else for Caucasians to waste their time on as they lose control of the world."
That nefarious, bold remark is in contrast to how superstar Shauna Cuntwell sees things.
"It's my breakthrough. Singer, songwriter, photographer, voice-over performer...VIDEO GAME CHARACTER! Once this catches on, people will also realize I'm a singer, songwriter, photographer and voice-over performer. And twat shaver! You see, the point of the game is to shave my twat."
YOU, the GAMER, must get by the Super-Moron Brothers, who constantly get in the way.
Horst tries to prevent you from taking off Shauna's princess gown and knickers.
He does this by throwing objects in your way; crazy shit he's bought like lethal over-sized books, weird egg-cooking contraptions, and a bewildering collection of bow ties.
When Shauna raises her eyebrow and jeers, it means you FAILED AGAIN. If you manage to destroy all of Horst's stupid bric-a-brac and junk, he begins to throw GooTube videos at you, which block the entire screen.
You are penalized two minutes, four minutes, even longer, listening to Horst's hoarse, boring German babble. You have to hit him squarely in his good eye to get the screen to shrink down again.
When you get back to the game, you might find the location has changed. He's put you in Munich. In Berlin. In New York. Where the FUCK is Shauna??
You can find help in forums, learn "cheats," and you might even get a "KEY" that works, and a password like: "Matthias Lange is a big fat stupid time-wasting asshole."
So what happens when you whip Shauna's knickers down and stare into the center of her universe?
BILL HOOBASTANK pops up, like a pulpy monolith.
As the music for "2001" plays, he grins his goofy grin and keeps you away from the razor and the shaving cream.
You have amassed an impressive collection of twenty dollar bills, which he eats up.
Each time he eats one, his face changes. He becomes Billy Mumy. Piper Laurie. Joan Collins. Boy does this game get TEDIOUS!
Make the wrong move, and Bill shits his nappies: GAME OVER!
Sound like a waste of time? It sure is, compared to the good old days when this stuff was new and novel.
IF I'M BEING HONEST, I was a fan of the Atari stuff.
Like VHS tape, when Atari cartridges first came out, they were EXPENSIVE. You had to choose carefully. Slowly, rival companies made games for the system. And eventually, as these cartridges got more and more advanced, the older ones would turn up in the bargain bin of the electronics store, along with the cheap "bargain" games from Sega and others using Atari's cartridge system.
You could get CENTIPEDE or BERSERK pretty cheap, and kiddie stuff where frogs stuck out their tongues to eat flies, and variations on SPACE INVADERS, where you'd end up dead no matter what. Maybe you actually got bored with Ms. Pac Man. Maybe you'd play a game where you'd race around blowing up submarines and killing sharks. Or wander through a haunted house (actually primitive blocks) while being chased by a ghost.
Then came the Nintendo console, which included a target practice game (and plastic gun) where you'd try and kill ducks. And yes, the game with the two funny Italians and the coins and all the rest of it.
That's when I bowed out. I realized I was wasting my time, and worse than that, I was not very good at this shit!
In the real world, I have fantastic hand-eye coordination. Juggler-level. Baseball level. But these fucking games were making a stooge out of me. The more complicated and realistic, the LOUSIER I was, and the faster the headache and eye strain.
These days, rather than take out the actual console, or try and get a wobbly Atari cartridge to work, I use a "simulator" on the computer. Once in a while, I'll have some nostalgia and play a round of Berserk. I just don't have the time or energy to set up and play "Submarine Chase" or "Road Rally" or whatever the fuck the games were called. A few games were fun mostly because of the insane music or sound effects.
HOWEVER, I just may get back into this if Un-Intendo improves this game, and makes it possible to kill Horst in a dozen gory ways, or knock Bill's goofy teeth out.
According to Slanty McGook, "This game goes nowhere. If you get past Horst and Bill, and shave Shauna's twat, the hair just grows back, and worse, you hear her singing Taylor Swift covers. The more you shave her, the LOUDER and MORE OFF KEY the covers."
He's thinking of adding more "joystick" action, and "the chance to shove your dick up Shauna's twat, deep into her ass and then you finish up by stuffing her mouth for cum-swallow after cum-swallow."
When she's been pumped with so many loads that white goo starts coming out of her ears, her eyes cross and her hand waves "Byeeeeee," and YOU'VE WON!
