SHAUNA EASTER.
Says Cilla, "I wanted to do something special for this wonderful holiday. It's such a cheerful event. You see, God knocked up a Jewish bitch, then watched his bastard son have a tough time of it. He was considered a Jew, after all. So they crucified him, and God didn't help one little bit.
"The Romans dumped the dead Jesus of Nazareth in a cave. Let's not get mad at the Romans. Let's pretend they were Jews. If we hate the Romans, we get no pizza. The good news: ho ho ha ha hee hee, he got himself resurrected. I'm not sure if HE did it or his Daddy actually did. I stopped going to Catholic school after the nuns beat me too often. They get cranky if the candle shipment is late.
"So, Jesus swooped the Earth NEVER to be seen again. Except by some fanatic cranks who have seen him on their toast and swimming in their porridge. Easter celebrates either the resurrection and him fleeing the Earth, or the fact that when he fled the planet, he didn't take all the marshmallows, and now we have so many we can shape them like Eggs and Bunnies. Wheee!
"Shauna Easter looks a bit like my old friend Shauna Cuntwell, but with normal sized eyes and a less goofy round face. Oh, she also actually HAS the top of her head intact. And isn't that shaved twat ADORABLE? Oh come let ye adore it...if you pay the going Sheffield price."
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