Davina McCall Rubs Shit in Jamie Dornan's Stubble

"Oww, mah dearies, he is HAWT! But wot he needs is SHIT in his STUBBOO!"

So clucked Davina McCall, the well known Douchess. In a highlight moment from the premiere "Jonathan Woss Show," she caked a hunk of shit on Jamie Dornan, a "hunk" best known for being one of a thousand ass-faced guys with stubble who make bad movies and TV dramas that twats watch.

She began to wipe Jamie's face with shit, thinking the host told her to. Jonathan laughed and said, "I said WIPE. You know, it smells vewwy wipe! If not wotten!"

The crowd cheered. On both sides of the Atlantic, chat shows are loaded up with talentless "celebrities" doing anything for attention.

The hosts? They often do NOTHING. That's how low the bar has been set. Puppy Fallon, the 8 year-old hosting "The Tonight Show," will read jokes off Twatter. Yes, every week he puts out a "hashtag" topic, and people Tweet their quips FREEEEEE, just so they can brag that he read them on the air. He's paid millions for lame "comedy" like that, and to play charades with D-list actors, and to sing along hacks like Macca desperate to reach a young audience.

Kitty Kimmel, the flat-voiced drone opposite him, ALSO likes to play TWATTER games. He has celebs you mostly don't know reading "Mean Tweets" about themsleves that trolls send in.

Kimmel's also prone to playing "games" like picking on random twits walking down the street and asking them to name who is on American currency. Haw haw! Many Americans LOSE by the time they get to a quarter, not sure if Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson or somebody else is on the coin.

What do you watch AFTER either Jimmy? Many catatonic morons stay up for Fag Corden, whose big bit is...sitting his ass in a car and singing KARAOKE with one of his guests. WHAT A BRILLIANT BIT OF ENTERTAINMENT! How INNOVATIVE. Rolling Stone put this faggot on the cover and crowed about how he's the hottest thing in late night. Oooh CAR KARAOKE! Can't get enough of THAT!

How can today's chat crap compete with the golden age of Carson, Frost and Parkinson? There are almost NO TV sitcoms or dramas worth watching, so there's no "thrill" in seeing some pretty boy or vapid bitch talking about their hobbies.

The old chat shows relied on comedians who could ad-lib witty material. There are no more comedy clubs where comics can practice. It's a dead, artificial art form now. First, the comedy teams disappeared. Who wants to see two assholes doing scripted crap? Then, the single performers faded, too. Who wants somebody coming out and reciting prepared garbage about airports and dating? We've HEARD IT BEFORE.

Back in the day, chat shows had raconteurs who could simply talk about most anything and be interesting. No, don't even mention Piers Morgan! And as for bringing out some bubblehead with big tits like Zsa Zsa Gabor, we see more than enough of the Kardashians and Jenners (on their OWN reality shows) for them to bother talking to a Jimmy or a James.

Why would ANYONE want to hear what a "reality show" asshole has to say? They're boring enough ON the reality show!

It's no surprise that chat shows in particular, and TV in general, is loaded up with dreary amateurs, bores and in the case of Davina McCunt, has-beens.

Has-beens like McCunt work desperately hard to pretend pre-written jokes are ad-libs, or that carefully rehearsed bits of schtick are spontaneous. Talk shows always were artificial and loosely scripted, but now it shows.

Actors could avoid being boring if they showed up sparingly on a talk show and were coached beforehand with what anecdotes to tell before being saved by the movie clip. Now, jerks like Dornan make the rounds, boring everyone except cows and moos who just want another chance to stare at them.

This year's Tony award show? Mostly it honored people I never heard of. They gave boring speeches. They only confirm that after about 50 years, television, like rock music and jazz, is no longer innovative. All that you get is variations on things you already saw..."just not as good."

IF I'M BEING HONEST, rock music AND television had its heyday in the 60's. With only a few exceptions, it's been pretty boring over the years. As Mort liked to say, "Darwin was wrong."