2016: A SPACE WASTE

"Hello, it's me, Bill Hoobastank! I've taken time from my main hobby, adding to my 7,000 Photofuckit pix, to defend, well, adding 7,000 pix! Some people think I'm an egotist or an idiot. I don't understand. Why can't I be BOTH an egotist AND an idiot?

"Does posting every picture I own, even ridiculous letters I got demanding money, open me up to identity theft? Of course not. Who'd want to be ME?

"And thank Jesus for digital (FREEEEEEEE) pictures. Why be selective and take one meaningless photo of some building, bridge or tunnel when I can take 50? After all, if you put all 50 in sequence, it might make for a movie! That movie might be as tedious as "2001 A Space Odyssey," which is my all-time favorite. It's about a guy sitting on his ass on a perpetual dull journey through nothing but space. It will end either with his natural death, or a crash. Like me on the New Jersey Turnpike.

"I was SO lucky to pose with the two stars who never did much after they made that movie! In fact, most people couldn't recognize who the fuck they are. Weird Dullard had a nice woolly head of hair, which he transferred to his chin late in life. His friend Lary Gockwood, was also inspired to grow a beard, to better hide his expressions of chagrin.

"I'm clean shaven. All over! It makes changing much easier, especially washing up and powdering. My wife tells me my ass crack has the same inane grin, but it smells better than my breath. She's such a kidder. When she found out I was posting her upskirt images, and all those frightening shots of her wonky-eyed face, she asked, "Why?" And I said, "Why not, what else do I have to do? I live in New Jersey! Ugh, if YOU lived in Weehawken, you'd find it livelier to visit graveyards.

"Photos jog memories. Usually. IF I'M BEING HONEST, I think my wife and I were the product of incest. I can't remember. I also can't remember if Gloria and I are posing with our mother or our father.

"As you see in this early photo Glen (later Gloria) was on hormone treatments. He was taking pills he bought via a Wayne Newton infomercial on TV, pills "guaranteed to retard beard growth." Worked like a charm! Glen was singing "Scarlet Ribbons" and "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast" in a voice that easily could've been Timi Yuro's. Glen was also on hormone treatments had produced little tits than Shauna envies. The only side effect was Glen's eyes began to grow in two different directions.

"A little while after the photo was taken, Glen stopped tucking and wearing two pairs of dowdy swimsuit bottoms, and got a very realistic and functional vagina. It wets. It fucks. And thanks to my own small endowment, it never bled after sex, even the first time. So, we don't have any children. That's a GOOD thing!

"I think we're brother and sister, since we agree on so many addled ideas of a good time (inane "over the hill" parties, getting giddy over ordering a dessert, etc.). Also, it would be a strange coincidence to find two adults with the same repulsive teeth.

"Speaking of my teeth, I digress to discuss my mouth problems of late. My teeth are the ONLY part of my mouth that isn't itching, red or sore.

"Seriously, I hate to digress, but I want to assure my friends overseas that "it's going around," and it isn't even confined to one country. This stupid sore throat deal is some kind of epidemic.

About 3 weeks ago, I developed a sore throat. Instead of turning into a cold, it stayed an aggravating sore throat. The sides of my tongue felt swollen. Swallowing was difficult. I switched to soft foods, no sandwiches, a lot of soup...still no relief. Finally I got a bit panicky because my doctor appointment was still a WEEK away (such is medical care in America) and so I rushed to a clinic. They say a sore throat lasting more than 10 days was something serious. This sure seemed serious to me!

"The emergency "walk in" clinic (a store front that I think was once a used record store) advertised that it took most every insurance plan. Yeah. Except, it turns out, not MINE. I was informed, "It's an hour wait, and you will be charged $125 plus any lab expenses." I walked out, but walked back in. What choice did I have? Suffer for a week? I sat down amid a doleful collection of fat Latinos and old people coughing loudly and disgustingly, and some sullen people staring at their feet. The big flat screen TV in the waiting room was showing...THE COOKING CHANNEL, with the sound off. So I had to watch a gruesome Southern bitch with false eyelashes making nauseating meat pies and grimacing with a grin worse than mine.

"Finally I was seen by a Latina "nurse" who took my temperature and would've taken my wallet if I didn't have my hand in my pocket. She was followed by a black male who would've been involved in blackmail if HE was able to get his hands on my wallet. He wasn't a doctor either, just somebody instructed on how, if the patient says SORE THROAT, to take a swab and put it in a chemical to see if it's strep throat or not. I was charged another $25 for this.

"Finally the actual doctor showed up, gave a quick glance, pronounced "pharyngitis" (pronounced fah-ring-itis) and prescribed a numbing mouth wash, and steroid pills. He declared I'd feel better within a day, and that, yes, without treatment the condition would eventually go away anyway.

"A week later, and I still had enough misery and sore throat for my regular doctor to notice it. His advice? "Gargle with salt." Christ, I could find THAT info on the Internet. A few days later, and I was having a relapse of a bad day, with my tongue feeling itchy, and thick in my mouth, and pulsating pain down my throat. Lozenges. Ice cream. Whatever. I checked the Internet and various maniac websites said such a thing could be throat cancer. Could be an early sign of something worse. Go see a doctor.

"At this point, like most any cold or flu or whatever, the jagged course of good days and bad has settled into mostly good, or improving...two steps forward only one back. But sometimes I think how this condition may have been soothed and healed quicker if ONLY I had my tongue on Shauna's real, nubile, youthful and juicy TWAT. Well, as Cilla likes to say, "I hope that doesn't sound rude."

"Such is Easter, 2016. And yes, 2001 was really NOT such a great movie, the stars in it are now obscure old men, 2001 was the beginning of the Muzzie psycho-spree dooming the world, and the entire 21st century is SHITE!"

It's a Viley Virus Bieber-Ass EASTER

Jesus moves in mysterious ways.

Who wouldn't want to come back from church, check the front page of the Internet freee version of the daily news, and see THIS?

Yes, along with more coverage of the Americans killed in Brussels (all four of them, everyone else doesn't matter), and aside from the dreary latest winners in the widely spaced primary elections (yesterday Alaska and Hawaii voted...who the FUCK cares), it's VILEY and BIEBER.

The only miracle is that there was a censor bar on Justa Beeper's ass. You mean we'd have to go to Perez Hilton's faggot site or Beebsy's own Instagram account to see his pert tush? Aww. ONE extra step, JUST to keep guys from having queer thoughts. Note that Viley or Kuntrashian's ass wouldn't be censored.

For the record, the Canadian Cunt posted it with some Hallmark-like two-liner about how he's communing with nature and searching for tranquility. We are ALL searching for tranquility, and Bieber being six feet under would be a good start.

For comic relief, we have Viley Virus complaining about sexism. Need I even bother ranting about THAT?

Oh, right, Viley, riding a dildo on stage, hanging your tongue out while you cup your cupcake tits...that's "empowering" and it's "feminism." Trump running a beauty contest and marrying trophy sluts from behind the Iron Curtain of pronouncing English properly...that's a BAD thing. Male sexuality is always coarse and female sexuality is always classy. Har har.

The situation, for out of towners, is that The Donald dared bite back on pudgy-vampire-faced nasal-voiced psycho-bastard Ted Spic Cruz. The Spic had one of his support groups run a nasty MEME or AD or whatever, showing Trump's wife in a seductive pose from her modeling days.

Just what the fuck this was supposed to prove, except that The Donald picked out a hottie, I have no idea. Reminding people that his wife was once a model pissed off The Donald, who retaliated by showing side-by-side photos of the two wives.

Let's say that Cruz's frumpy bitch would've looked bad even next to Bill Hoobastank's wife.

The Donald, just about the ONLY man in politics who takes NO shit, then said that if Cruz and his people didn't lay off, he'd "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife.

Somehow all this offended classy Viley Virus.

Coincidentally, the notorious National Inquirer spilled the beans on Cruz himself, in their latest issue, now in supermarkets. The tabloid used to be known for inventing celebrity gossip, but they've made themselves a force to be half-believed. They've done it by a) accurately pointing out which celebrities are dying, and b) actually spending money to research any political scandal tip that comes their way. They destroyed the campaign of Senator Edwards years ago by breaking all the news of his affairs.

Now? Now they claim ugly whiny-voiced bully-bastard Cruz is a horny weasel who has had at least FIVE affairs. It's always nice when those conservative Republicans are proven to be hypocrites. Whether Cruz will step down or try to ignore this bombshell remains to be seen. Several "legit" journalists have come forward to back up some of the allegations, and some of the women OR friends of theirs have confirmed that Cruz IS a slimeball not above cheating or even paying for sex.

And Viley Virus complains that Trump is picking on poor, poor Teddy-Boy Cruz.

FUCK OFF, Viley...have you noticed Ariana and Gaga and Taylor are all doing better than you? You got boring a lot faster than Madonna, bitch.

Happy Jesus Riding a Bunny Day - too bad about Deaths and SNOW

Yes, Muslims are crazy. DANGEROUS CRAZY.

This is different from Christians. They're just batshit crazy, and the incidents of Spanish Inquisition-type murderous rage and self-righteous perversion are less. Give a priest a young boy, and he's not gonna preach jihad, right? No virgins in heaven when there's a boy on Earth.

ANYHOOOOOOO.

Today the reliable AMERICAN Christians go out of their way to pervert their religion by BUYING SHIT. Easter bonnets. Hollow chocolate bunnies (who doesn't like to bite their heads off). "Easter eggs" somehow left in jelly or candy form by a rabbit.

It's a day to watch college basketball. A day to celebrate how God killed his son, or rather, simply didn't interfere because, as he said from his cloud, "it really wouldn't interest anybody outside of a small circle of last supper dinner guests."

In this spirit no wonder there was a post about the wonder and glory of God, in striking down a guy who offered balm in Mississippi. Yeah, some guy who posted comforting words AND a lovely drawing of Jessica Chambers nuzzling up against Jesus himself, died quite unexpectedly.

God is great.

Below, an announcement of the guy's death. It's on the Farcebook group that began with Biblical rage (an eye for an eye maybe, as they demanded that the cops find out who set a teenager on fire, burning her over 99% of her body). Once they discovered the perp was just a nasty nigga who apparently didn't like white girls who didn't instantly bend over for him, the page became loaded over with doleful drawings and platitudes about how she's an "angel." God selected her for a gruesome and torturous death, but she's no longer maimed and scarred, but sitting on a cloud with Jesus. One guy was very good at drawing angelic pictures of Jessica. But now? God kicked his ass. Up to heaven, no doubt. Death was his reward for being so nice to Jessica's memory. No HE doesn't have to live anymore. He might be hangin' with Jessica and Jesus RIGHT NOW.

So, the guy who drew an extra-special fictional portrait of Jesus proudly displaying a drawing of Jessica, is gone. And, Jesus and God being SO nice, they left his family with funeral expenses. The Lord moves in mysterious ways? Not at all; for devout Christians paying funeral expenses will make them feel GOOD about themselves. Got the logic? All suffering is lessened if you just sacrifice, and the best way to do that is to give away your money. Usually to the church.

A guy has a kid (so it seems from the photo) but NO life insurance. He believed "God will provide." And "God will kill me off and somebody else will pay to bury me and support my spawn."

By the way, Garry Shandling dropping dead of a sudden heart attack was not in God's plan, because he was a Jew. Jews may "THINK" they are God's "Chosen People" but they're on their own. He died because there was something defective about him. He is NOT on a cloud telling jokes to Jesus. Jesus never laughed at Shandling, just at "Hee Haw" re-runs and the whimsical Irish anecdotes of Hal Roach. Maybe some Tommy Cooper stuff, which would explain him dropping dead after a performance "just as he would've wanted." Shandling? All Christians know that Jewish deaths mean nothing, just as they know Jesus was a Christian NOT a Jew.

God works in mysterious ways? Hell no. He works on a cash basis. Every church expects donations. Jesus wants you all to donate to somebody's funeral expenses on GOFUNDME today. Just give what you can spare AFTER you've been to church and tossed an extra-generous amount of money down in honor of the holiday. After all, today marks Jesus making that comeback after Dad let him die on the cross. That Jesus flew the coop after he did that magic trick of resurrection, well, it's in The Bible. Jesus said, "You're gonna like this. Not a lot. My magic trick is coming back to life but leaving you guessing when the fuck I'm coming back for an encore!"

The rest of Easter Sunday? Americans are watching "March Madness" college basketball games (the ones they all bet on at the office pool). And everyone's eating lots and lots of Easter candy, as Jesus would've wished. It's in the BIBLE isn't it? The Easter Bunny?

ANYHOOOOOOOOO.

Getting back to our theme, for this one-shot one-draft ad-libbed blasphemy, Muslims are considered pretty ridiculous for their stinky halal food, their insane customs and their absurd beliefs. Even when they aren't beheading people, their holier-than-thou Allah bullshit is pretty hard to take.

Christians? A random Farcebook post.

Fer Chrissake. It's snowing on Easter Sunday in Kansas, and Jesus planned this? He had nothing better to do? Somebody out there is singing "I'm Dreaming of a White Easter?"

How fucking GOOFY does it get, making a HOLY shit because it's fucking snowing?? But that's how Christians are. The way they talk about themselves is so egocentric and mystical, like each one of these cretins is a mini-God, too. Ever hear that shit? "I'm a CHRISTIAN, so..." so "...I don't judge my fellow man...I believe in a higher plan...I will forgive...I can be healed without modern medicine..." whatever. Whatever the ludicrous sanctimonious shit might be, it's prefaced by "I'm a CHRISTIAN."

Even more annoying are the Farcebook assholes who simply remind everyone, religious or not, "Today's Sunday. Blessings!" What's with people, mere mortals, doling out BLESSINGS? Every devout Christian likes to pretend to be, what, a priest, a nun, or Jeezy himself?

There's a greedy old bitch in the neighborhood who sits her fat ass on a bench, and since panhandling is "legal" as long as you aren't "aggressive," bothers every single person who walks by: "Spare a dime or a dollar. BLESS you." Blessed are those who give money to a greedy bitch who doesn't even pretend there's anything wrong with her and is dressed like anybody else. She's just past 50 and fat and nobody would say, "If I give you a 50 do I get a blowjob?"

She's entitled to money because she's....a....Christian.

This is Easter Sunday in America: crackpots insisting that with billions of CHRISTIANS around, God selectively chooses which one gets burned alive by a nigga, and which one who sympathizes with that person gets a sudden heart attack, and which flat, useless state gets some snow.

Oh yes, and God, leader of the Christians (isn't he a bit jealous of how much everyone loves his son more than him?) HE chooses which Christians get offed in random suicide bombings by the exact OPPOSITE of Christians.

Jesus and God do have the power to kick Mohamed's ass if they want to, don't they? God made the world in less than a week, so he could wipe out ISIS in less than an hour. But he's busy making chocolate Easter rabbits, and fancy Easter bonnets. Something like that. When in doubt, just say, "I believe, but I have no specifics."

Nostalgia!

Bill Hoobastank, who loves visiting graveyards to "meet" Rod Serling, Anne Bancroft and others, used to collect body parts and store them in his basement.

"Gosh, this photo takes me back," he gurgles. "I haven't been down in the basement in years. I'll bet it stinks down there!"

Just Another Sunny Day in New Jersey

Bill Hoobastank was photographed walking down an obscure street in Hoboken, far from his home. He insisted he was just out mailing a letter.

"I had a wonderful time in England adding to my collection of memorabilia," he gurgled. "My client Shauna is being considered for a new shaving cream campaign over there, and I think she's working on another few dozen Taylor Swift covers."

Asked about his wife, he insisted, "We're just good friends. And I have nothing but a professional relationship with Shauna. My wife has plenty of things to keep her busy while I visit graveyards and stunt doubles selling autographed photos."

Indeed, Bill's wife just posted on a dating website.

Cilla photographs the Cleethropes Comic-Con Show

Cilla Blackledge, contributor to the Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh, complains yet again:

"I am probably the most censored contributor! Not only that, they don't use my photographs when I supply captions. They are shills for any dopey event that is NO value for money. They publish any hype or pipe-dream a corrupt politician feels like promoting. They even worship David Gest!

"I don't mean to imply they are as petty a bunch of shits as you'd find in the bottom of a birdcage..."

Before she could really start getting verbose, Cilla was told to just hand over her photos and captions and go nick some knickers or something. Go protest Yorkie bars by buying a few and jeering the store owner. Go to a boot sale and buy up all the Matt Munro singles and make a cheap non-charting-record-collector geezer cry so much he wets every hair on his dog's back...

FROM THE CILLA BLACKLEDGE COLLECTION!

THE CLEETHORPES COMIC-CON SHOW.

Roger Waters: "Acromegaly Is Nothing Big"

Recently diagnosed with acromegaly, a hormonal disorder that distorts the head and face, Roger Waters said, "It could've been worse. At least I'm not a Jew."

As he posed for a photo that showed his increasingly distorted nose and jaw, he smiled. "I smile," he explained, "because I don't want people coming up and asking, 'Why the long face?' As long as I smile, it makes me seem like I'm my usual oblivious, narcissistic self. And I am!"

Waters admits he has been troubled over the past twenty years with increasing difficulty with his pituitary, the gland that regulates pitch. "I can't sing at all," he admits. "Fortunately my audience doesn't care. As long as they can get high, wear neo-Nazi type outfits like I do, and shout antisemitic slogans when they see the flying pig, all is well."

Though rare, acromegaly remains a problem that is most prevalent in middle-aged adults, with the symptoms slowly becoming more obvious over the course of up to ten years. Symptoms include high blood pressure, arthritic pains in the ass, and the habit of constantly repeating yourself, to the point of re-releasing the same album over and over.

"If I'm being honest," Roger Waters adds, "I've resigned myself to colon cancer and early death. There's treatment that can slow down the progress of the disease, but that would involve going to a Jewish doctor. I will live and die by my convictions, which include boycotting Israel AND Mt. Sinai Hospital!

"Remember, Zionists are homicidal and the exact opposite of peaceful and reasonable Palestinians. Listen, if the Palestinians ever organized terrorist groups like Hamas, or had leaders who believed in destroying every Jew anywhere as Yassir Arafat did, well, they were obviously provoked. Nothing is more suspicious than those Jews praying at the wailing wall. We all know "the Wall" is only for people gathering to chant ominous Neo-Nazi threats."

Even as his chin turns into a duck's foot slapping against his skeletal chest, and as his nose becomes an ever expanding pendulum of putty, Roger vows to keep touring and NOT stay in his palace on Long Island. "Long Island smells of Jews. Also potatoes and duck farms, but mostly Jews! I only live here because I'm near the ocean and the salt air reminds me of a place where classy people live: Grimsby.

"I also moved in because the Jewish population has dwindled. While everyone insists Jews control the music industry, the new people moving in are actually P.Diddy and Jay-Z and Chris Martin. Jews are hardly a factor in the music business, and I take that as an example of how the Final Solution is working! Once it was Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond. Now it's Rihanna and Kanye! And Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber!

"I will NEVER retire. My heroes gave up or disappeared...Hitler, Rommel, Bormann, Mengele...but I will continue until the only name associated with Pink Floyd is MINE. I will forever demand that rock groups don't play Israel but play Cuba, North Korea, Russia, Nigeria, anywhere else. And I'll continue to insist I don't single out Jews, and that they are some of my best friends. OK, not a single one of them has yet come forward to back me up, but that's kikes for you. And that's why I won't see no Jew doctor. I'd rather die a hoarse skeleton with a distorted face. Happy Easter everyone! Happy Passover, if you pass over a Jew in your SUV and flatten him like a matzoh! Har har!"