"Does posting every picture I own, even ridiculous letters I got demanding money, open me up to identity theft? Of course not. Who'd want to be ME?
"And thank Jesus for digital (FREEEEEEEE) pictures. Why be selective and take one meaningless photo of some building, bridge or tunnel when I can take 50? After all, if you put all 50 in sequence, it might make for a movie! That movie might be as tedious as "2001 A Space Odyssey," which is my all-time favorite. It's about a guy sitting on his ass on a perpetual dull journey through nothing but space. It will end either with his natural death, or a crash. Like me on the New Jersey Turnpike.
"I was SO lucky to pose with the two stars who never did much after they made that movie! In fact, most people couldn't recognize who the fuck they are. Weird Dullard had a nice woolly head of hair, which he transferred to his chin late in life. His friend Lary Gockwood, was also inspired to grow a beard, to better hide his expressions of chagrin.
"I'm clean shaven. All over! It makes changing much easier, especially washing up and powdering. My wife tells me my ass crack has the same inane grin, but it smells better than my breath. She's such a kidder. When she found out I was posting her upskirt images, and all those frightening shots of her wonky-eyed face, she asked, "Why?" And I said, "Why not, what else do I have to do? I live in New Jersey! Ugh, if YOU lived in Weehawken, you'd find it livelier to visit graveyards.
"Photos jog memories. Usually. IF I'M BEING HONEST, I think my wife and I were the product of incest. I can't remember. I also can't remember if Gloria and I are posing with our mother or our father.
"As you see in this early photo Glen (later Gloria) was on hormone treatments. He was taking pills he bought via a Wayne Newton infomercial on TV, pills "guaranteed to retard beard growth." Worked like a charm! Glen was singing "Scarlet Ribbons" and "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast" in a voice that easily could've been Timi Yuro's. Glen was also on hormone treatments had produced little tits than Shauna envies. The only side effect was Glen's eyes began to grow in two different directions.
"A little while after the photo was taken, Glen stopped tucking and wearing two pairs of dowdy swimsuit bottoms, and got a very realistic and functional vagina. It wets. It fucks. And thanks to my own small endowment, it never bled after sex, even the first time. So, we don't have any children. That's a GOOD thing!
"I think we're brother and sister, since we agree on so many addled ideas of a good time (inane "over the hill" parties, getting giddy over ordering a dessert, etc.). Also, it would be a strange coincidence to find two adults with the same repulsive teeth.
"Speaking of my teeth, I digress to discuss my mouth problems of late. My teeth are the ONLY part of my mouth that isn't itching, red or sore.
"Seriously, I hate to digress, but I want to assure my friends overseas that "it's going around," and it isn't even confined to one country. This stupid sore throat deal is some kind of epidemic.
About 3 weeks ago, I developed a sore throat. Instead of turning into a cold, it stayed an aggravating sore throat. The sides of my tongue felt swollen. Swallowing was difficult. I switched to soft foods, no sandwiches, a lot of soup...still no relief. Finally I got a bit panicky because my doctor appointment was still a WEEK away (such is medical care in America) and so I rushed to a clinic. They say a sore throat lasting more than 10 days was something serious. This sure seemed serious to me!
"The emergency "walk in" clinic (a store front that I think was once a used record store) advertised that it took most every insurance plan. Yeah. Except, it turns out, not MINE. I was informed, "It's an hour wait, and you will be charged $125 plus any lab expenses." I walked out, but walked back in. What choice did I have? Suffer for a week? I sat down amid a doleful collection of fat Latinos and old people coughing loudly and disgustingly, and some sullen people staring at their feet. The big flat screen TV in the waiting room was showing...THE COOKING CHANNEL, with the sound off. So I had to watch a gruesome Southern bitch with false eyelashes making nauseating meat pies and grimacing with a grin worse than mine.
"Finally I was seen by a Latina "nurse" who took my temperature and would've taken my wallet if I didn't have my hand in my pocket. She was followed by a black male who would've been involved in blackmail if HE was able to get his hands on my wallet. He wasn't a doctor either, just somebody instructed on how, if the patient says SORE THROAT, to take a swab and put it in a chemical to see if it's strep throat or not. I was charged another $25 for this.
"Finally the actual doctor showed up, gave a quick glance, pronounced "pharyngitis" (pronounced fah-ring-itis) and prescribed a numbing mouth wash, and steroid pills. He declared I'd feel better within a day, and that, yes, without treatment the condition would eventually go away anyway.
"A week later, and I still had enough misery and sore throat for my regular doctor to notice it. His advice? "Gargle with salt." Christ, I could find THAT info on the Internet. A few days later, and I was having a relapse of a bad day, with my tongue feeling itchy, and thick in my mouth, and pulsating pain down my throat. Lozenges. Ice cream. Whatever. I checked the Internet and various maniac websites said such a thing could be throat cancer. Could be an early sign of something worse. Go see a doctor.
"At this point, like most any cold or flu or whatever, the jagged course of good days and bad has settled into mostly good, or improving...two steps forward only one back. But sometimes I think how this condition may have been soothed and healed quicker if ONLY I had my tongue on Shauna's real, nubile, youthful and juicy TWAT. Well, as Cilla likes to say, "I hope that doesn't sound rude."
"Such is Easter, 2016. And yes, 2001 was really NOT such a great movie, the stars in it are now obscure old men, 2001 was the beginning of the Muzzie psycho-spree dooming the world, and the entire 21st century is SHITE!"
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