Roger Waters: "Acromegaly Is Nothing Big"

Recently diagnosed with acromegaly, a hormonal disorder that distorts the head and face, Roger Waters said, "It could've been worse. At least I'm not a Jew."

As he posed for a photo that showed his increasingly distorted nose and jaw, he smiled. "I smile," he explained, "because I don't want people coming up and asking, 'Why the long face?' As long as I smile, it makes me seem like I'm my usual oblivious, narcissistic self. And I am!"

Waters admits he has been troubled over the past twenty years with increasing difficulty with his pituitary, the gland that regulates pitch. "I can't sing at all," he admits. "Fortunately my audience doesn't care. As long as they can get high, wear neo-Nazi type outfits like I do, and shout antisemitic slogans when they see the flying pig, all is well."

Though rare, acromegaly remains a problem that is most prevalent in middle-aged adults, with the symptoms slowly becoming more obvious over the course of up to ten years. Symptoms include high blood pressure, arthritic pains in the ass, and the habit of constantly repeating yourself, to the point of re-releasing the same album over and over.

"If I'm being honest," Roger Waters adds, "I've resigned myself to colon cancer and early death. There's treatment that can slow down the progress of the disease, but that would involve going to a Jewish doctor. I will live and die by my convictions, which include boycotting Israel AND Mt. Sinai Hospital!

"Remember, Zionists are homicidal and the exact opposite of peaceful and reasonable Palestinians. Listen, if the Palestinians ever organized terrorist groups like Hamas, or had leaders who believed in destroying every Jew anywhere as Yassir Arafat did, well, they were obviously provoked. Nothing is more suspicious than those Jews praying at the wailing wall. We all know "the Wall" is only for people gathering to chant ominous Neo-Nazi threats."

Even as his chin turns into a duck's foot slapping against his skeletal chest, and as his nose becomes an ever expanding pendulum of putty, Roger vows to keep touring and NOT stay in his palace on Long Island. "Long Island smells of Jews. Also potatoes and duck farms, but mostly Jews! I only live here because I'm near the ocean and the salt air reminds me of a place where classy people live: Grimsby.

"I also moved in because the Jewish population has dwindled. While everyone insists Jews control the music industry, the new people moving in are actually P.Diddy and Jay-Z and Chris Martin. Jews are hardly a factor in the music business, and I take that as an example of how the Final Solution is working! Once it was Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond. Now it's Rihanna and Kanye! And Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber!

"I will NEVER retire. My heroes gave up or disappeared...Hitler, Rommel, Bormann, Mengele...but I will continue until the only name associated with Pink Floyd is MINE. I will forever demand that rock groups don't play Israel but play Cuba, North Korea, Russia, Nigeria, anywhere else. And I'll continue to insist I don't single out Jews, and that they are some of my best friends. OK, not a single one of them has yet come forward to back me up, but that's kikes for you. And that's why I won't see no Jew doctor. I'd rather die a hoarse skeleton with a distorted face. Happy Easter everyone! Happy Passover, if you pass over a Jew in your SUV and flatten him like a matzoh! Har har!"