Youtube "BUMPER ADS" - Great God Google Fucks You and You Should LOVE IT

A rapist keeps a girl tied up and he fucks her in the ass every night for a month.

Then he announces, "OK, from now on, I'll just fuck your twat."

She smiles and says, "Gee, that sounds great!" She's almost forgotten she's still being raped.

The rapist could easily be a CEO at GOOGLE, because that's such a GOOGLE ploy.

Look what those nice folks have done NOW: 6 second ads to stab you in the eye every time you check some stupid link on the site:

OH, GREAT GOD GOOGLE, how THOUGHTFUL OF YOU. After torturing everyone with 30 second tedious bullshit ads, which you can't stop unless you've seen at least 6 seconds...they're creating actual 6 second pesty ads.

We're supposed to think this is wonderful: "Thanks for not torturing us as long as you used to. That almost makes us forget we were tortured and are STILL being tortured."

You can bet that they'll be sure to put them on EVERYTHING. At the moment, you might catch a break, and see something so awful (SHAUNA CUNTWELL) nobody wants to sponsor it. But 6 seconds? Google will work deals saying, "We'll give you TEN TIMES the placement for the money. So even if somebody watches only obscure shit, YOU will BUMP them."

Oh the joy of the BUMP. It's like being in a crowded miserable mall, and every minute, some idiot bumps you. Not hard. Just bumps you. Not enough for you to shove back or say "Look where you're walking." Just enough to raise your blood pressure a notch.

That's GOOGLE, too. Always adding to the misery, always doing something annoying and devious, and ALWAYS pretending they're doing something GOOD FOR YOU.

Kerry Katona: "I'm Getting David Gest Tattooed On My Ass!"

Famous pinhead Kerry Katona says she hasn't passed any gas since her beloved pal David Gest died.

"It's true," Kerry whined, "I'm absolutely broken-farted. My therapists (I have one for every day of the week, eight in all), told me my idea of getting a David Gest tattoo on my ass might help."

Here's the couple in happier times. Kerry, with a brain the size of a rotten walnut, always needed to have men on either side of her, helping her walk. She also had men on either side of her in bed, as she couldn't tell her mouth from her twat.

While Kerry is a microcephalic ("Mum had zika before it was popular," she laughs), David Gest was almost the opposite. Obsessed with the need to be a big star, he had his face enlarged by having basketball pumps inserted in his nostrils. The pumps contained a mixture of spackle and Spam, giving his head a meaty, pinkish glow.

The only problem was that David could now only breathe through his mouth. As Kerry recalls, "David used to tell me that his nostrils were blocked up with hardened Spam. He said he couldn't smell at all, but I assured him that he was wrong."

Gest, who became a more flagrant (if not fragrant) homosexual with each passing year, never disguised his contempt for women. That's why he appreciated Kerry Katona. For her part, being a totally untalented bint, she appreciated that she wasn't the only one. There was also David Gest.

"Oh, he had a talent for self-promotion," Kerry giggles, "and a talent for making people puke. Many times, a poisoning victim would simply come over to the house and watch David give a dog a blowjob. Did you watch that Celebrity House show where he was fondling some other guy? You can imagine a Niagara of vomit all over Great Britain."

Speaking of a Niagara of vomit, Kerry excused herself to use the ladies room. She emerged thirty minutes later wearing a lobster bib for a skirt. "I'm not sure what kind of discharge that was," she confided. "It had the consistency of succotash, the smell of sardines, but was the color of Watney's Stout. There was a dribble left over, and it ate right through the crotch of my knickers. Kotex and all."

Letting out a high-pitched squeal, from some part of her body, Kerry then got serious about the David Gest tattoo. "Oh, yes, I'm going to do it. I was going to have it on my crotch, since David was such a cunt. The problem would've been to shave my pubes in the exact design of David's peculiar beard and mustache. I then realised that his face would just about fit on my ass, and his mouth would be my anus. I'm sure I'll be inspired to fart and shit when I bend over and look in a mirror. Seeing it come out of David's mouth will be such nostalgia! I'll bet I'll have many more requests from guys wanting to fuck me in the ass. Well, gay guys. I know I have a campy following as it is, but imagine all those gay men buggering me just to pretend they're face-fucking David!"

Attempting to light a cigarette, Kerry set fire to her nose instead. Lighting up immediately, she smiled and waved goodbye, somehow getting a finger stuck in her ear.

She called out, "Just remember, David Gest is in a better place now. Thank Christ he didn't have to be in Grimsby!"

Kiss Ass Fails - But "Haunted Doll" scam WORKS LIKE A CHARM

The 21st Century is...more like the fucking 14th Century.

Not only do we have crazy Muslims beheading professors and bloggers who DARE to teach other religions, or say that homosexuality isn't a sin, we have mindless Christians, smelly stupid pushy Orthodox Jews, perverted Mormons, and...a whole load of gullible shit brains who still believe in ghosts and witches and whatever sci-fi garbage they want to buy at a memorabilia show.

Remember THIS jerk pretending to be a woman?

This same scammer got some fool to spend $36 on a charity shop doll and a few Tarot cards.

There are suckers born every minute, and if this clown didn't have such poor writing skills, the item might've fetched a much better price. $36 for a doll, even WITHOUT the ridiculous story, isn't bad.

Every day eBay is loaded with scammers offering potions, lucky charms, witch amulets, magic crystals, etc. Ebay's attitude is caveat emptor. "We're just the landlord, we just happened to rent to criminals, frauds, hucksters and low life scum."

If you want some fun, type in "ghost amulet" or some other silly term. Check out maniacs who offer "real rat bones" as having magic powers, a "burnt scroll" encased in glass, or a wicca "success magic potion."

Ebay has a category called "intangibles." Ha ha ho ho hee hee. Sellers who put their items up as "classified ads" in the "intangibles" section not only can cheat bidders, they are immune from refund demands: "eBay buyer protection only covers tangible goods. It is a violation of eBay policy for a seller to sell intangible goods on the regular eBay site. They must sell these items in the Classified Ad section which also does not have any buyer protection. If you try to open a case, eBay will see that the item is an intangible and will not proceed with the case."

Indeed, you might remember when Ebay's twisted sister, Paypal, refused to refund people who bought premium memberships for Megaupload. Lovable Nazi Kim Dotcom, when he realized the jig was up and he'd have to hide in New Zealand, offered "bargain" memberships, like a full year for $29.95. Whatever. Within a month, Megaupload was gone, and Paypal said, "So what, so he offered a year and you only got a month. This is an intangible item. NO REFUND."

The only "rule" on eBay, and it's up to interpretation by some zombie sitting at a desk in Utah, involves "a listing for intangible or invisible items, such as ghosts, air, demons, or souls." You can't outright cheat somebody by saying that in exchange for $20 you'll pray for them, or for $50 say magic words that will keep ghosts away, etc. etc.

But claim that you've got a "haunted" enema kit, a sprig of parsley that will get you laid if you put it in your target's twat, or "very smelly" old shoes that will make demons weep...you just might make some money.

Hans De Dentist gets Eight Years

What a surprise, another smug, selfish Dutchman evading capture long enough to wreak havoc and misery. Not only did it take forever to even prosecute the bastard, but he was allowed to run away and hide. After much legal wrangling he finally was brought to trial. Naturally, as a typical Dutchman, he alternately blubbered about being insane, whined about his poor self, went into a mood swing of anger and contempt for anyone hurt by him, and pranced around giving into his faggy tendencies.

He's not too different from other Dutch douches we've encountered, like the sobbing faggy Blogfather/Ayatollah who would go to record company offices and steal stuff and assume dozens of identities to give away music free.

How about big ugly Van Der Sloot who happily tormented the parents of the girl he killed by denying everything and then demanding payment to say where the body was buried. Van Der Sloot also skipped away before he could face his punishment, disappearing to South America where, ha ha ho ho hee hee, he killed ANOTHER woman.

In America, you stub your toe and you get a million dollars, especially if you're black. What about this Dutch douche's victims? Will these people get any money from Hans De Dentist? After his eight years (with time off for being a big fat slobby self-entitled whiner, or for blowing all the prison guards) he'll be freeee. He'll change his name to Cal E. Fornia and start practicing dentistry in America. All he'll have to do is say "I'm Muslim," and he'll get a license. Or he'll say "according to my religion, I can practice dentistry without a license." Meanwhile his victims in France will still be suffering from lost teeth, or suffering the daily reminder of dentures, or constant jaw pain.

Jared Fogle, the fat asshole from Subway, is doing far more time while causing NO bloodshed. He paid teen prostitutes for sex. They were already prostitutes when he connected with them. Somehow, what this guy did, involving 140 more people, and a lot of violence and physical agony, doesn't merit as much of a sentence? Hey, go send the prick to Norway where he can complain about not having video games to play with.

Blondie Discovers She's Buggered on GooTube

How many years has Internet piracy been a problem?

Suddenly Her Royal Blondeness Can No Longer Keep Calm.

What's her name...Drippy Hairy...reminds me of a remark Phil Ochs once made about liberals:

"Ten degrees to the left of center in good times. Ten degrees to the right of center if it affects them personally."

Meaning, either way, the reaction is limp and ineffectual.

So, Ms. Hairy is finding, now that she NEEDS her royalties and hasn't had a hit in years, that her checks have gotten smaller. That she's got to take her tired bones out on tours and make sure to spend a LOT on looking like she once did. That it would be a lot nicer if people didn't STEAL THE MUSIC.

Yeah? Where were you when Metallica and Prince and Gene Simmons were shouting about piracy? Where were you and the others when it came to pressuring the RIAA and other organizations to stop ignoring the problem and start lobbying politicians for better laws, and bringing interns and fans along to find violations and report them?

Through the years many rock stars periodically yipped and yapped about the problem, but couldn't get organized and couldn't and wouldn't rally behind people ready to move and shake on their behalf.

I've seen more than enough of this shit. Again, as Mr. Ochs noted about that "small circle of friends," people are by nature complacent and cowardly. "Authorize me, deputize me, and I'll stop people from stealing from you." "Oh, well, it's not THAT bad. Thanks but no thanks."

Too little too late.

How ridiculous that rock stars, who are supposed to be hip and singing about changing the world, and fighting against corporations and singing for charity...couldn't and wouldn't blow a hole in the pirates' boat. They sailed away on their drug money along some route where they wouldn't have to see the Jolly Roger flag.

The same shit is happening with writers. Literate people say, "Gee, nothing can be done," and "My books are being copied," and "I told my publisher." But when told, "Authorize me, AUTHOR, and the problem will be solved," they no longer want to communicate. E-mails never answered. Phone calls never returned." Actually being an activist? Nah. Apathy is safer, somehow.

At this point Google is way too powerful. They like things just as they are. Plenty of scabs are happy with the chump change they get. "It's better than nothing." Things will not change. And Drippy Hairy will not change because her face is frozen with Botox and she's stockpiled hair dye. And she'll do like Seniormole and Mephisto and the other assholes told her: "Tour and sell t-shirts. The music should be FREE." Never mind how worn out or homesick you get. TOUR! TOUR! TOUR!

The Great God Google knows all, especially all about human nature. They know that drug-addled rock has-beens are no threat. Think Ms. Hairy is going to go through hoops and file complaints when she could be playing with a vibrator? While eBay has a fairly simple takedown procedure, GOOGLE damn well doesn't. They are insidious and fiendish about making a DMCA complicated and time-consuming AND putting all the information out on the Internet for hackers to see. File a DMCA on Google's nasty GooTube, and the item STAYS UP, with a sad-face saying exactly who made the take down.

Why would Ms. Hairy want her MEPHISTO fans making devil potions or hacking her because of "This video was removed on orders of Drippy Hairy." And why would her record label bother, or her publishing company, when THEY are doing well? The percentage on royalties is always like 90% to the company and 10% to the artist.

Once in a while a publicist who can get a has-been's whining into the media, but it won't start the process of getting laws passed. What happened to SOPA, after all?

Lennon sang about people hustling for that buck and a dime. Now it's just a dime. At best, Debbie's record labels might allow a scab company to file on their behalf: "We'll re-direct the "monetization," 50% to you, 50% to us, and we do all the paperwork." Sure, what the fuck. Since the contracts the artists signed were before GooTube even existed, it's likely the accountants can hide the GooTube income anyway. How often did Drippy Hairy or any artist successfully check the books and get their fair share of royalties?

And still, nobody's going around shutting down Zinfart and other pests, and nobody's getting laws passed to block torrents. Nope, Ms. Hairy, getting your waxy face in the paper isn't gonna do it, wishing won't make it so, and back when fucking Tofuhut and "The Blogfather" were farting in the face of the music biz, and "Blogspot" was just a money-losing experiment, something should've been done. Now? 10 degrees to the right of center ain't enough.

Who's more Self-Entitled? Blacks? Muslims? Hey, don't forget PUERTO RICANS!

In the race to kick white people in the crotch, the rallying cry is simple:

"WE'RE ENTITLED!"

Add to that a veiled threat: "AND WE'RE VIOLENT!"

At the moment, there's ALWAYS the psycho-Muslims doing something, and there's ALWAYS some stomach-turning Black issue. Today it's "oooh, Lily White Piers Morgan isn't allowed to NOT like Beyonce's race-baiting Malcolm-X loving calls to violence". There's ALWAYS some demand that 11 million illegal Mexicans get their asses kissed while they fart their beans in our faces.

But usually the bitching and threats to riot come from within the 50 states. Like, "you brought us over here in slave ships, so now you're obligated to give us everything." If you're here in America, even as an illegal alien, you have RIGHTS. But now? Hell, you don't even have to BE in America to make self-entitled demands.

AHH, let's hear from fucking PUERTO RICO. PUERTO RICO ran itself into $70 billion in debt. Obviously the fault of white people. Americans.

Who should be responsible for that debt? WHITE PEOPLE. AMERICANS.

Since there's a ton of Puerto Ricans scurrying around NOT speaking English, the threat is pretty basic: DON'T make it easy on PUERTO RICO, and MORE Puerto Ricans will come flooding into America demanding welfare, food stamps and anything else they can scrounge.

Leading the action is the "hip hop" genius behind "Hamilton." No, the guy isn't BLACK. He's Puerto Rican. Just how Beyonce and Kanye and Jay-Z could allow an imposter to invade their "hip hop" territory and make it to Broadway is a bit of a mystery, but casting a lot of BLACKS probably helps.

The genius is now strutting around declaring that America needs to help out PUERTO RICO and, if America shapes up and does the RIGHT THING, not only will there be no riots, or FALN terrorism (at one time Puerto Ricans were blowing shit up), all the greedy politicians will get free tickets to see "Hamilton," the hottest show on Broadway! BUENO!

Isn't it convenient that whenever any minority group WANTS something, America is to be shamed into providing it. America has all the money. America is full of white racists. America should give to others because they want stuff.

Mr. Hip Hip Genius took his demands to rat-faced John Oliver, another of the no-talent Brits who somehow have been imported as talk show hosts. What the fascination is to hire him, or pudgy pig-faced James Corden, not even a million psychics from Blackpool could explain. But there you are, if you have a problem, find a white guy to stand up and shame the other whites.

By contrast, last week Bill Maher offered an editorial telling white people to STOP with the self-flagellation, and the lame "white people can't dance" shit, and the rest of the guilt.

Phil Ochs once sang "We're the Cops of the World." Well, yeah, when the world WANTS it. "Hey, America, fight the Syrians. Fight the Vietnamese. Go in there and do the job. Go kill yourselves in Afghanistan." Actually, it's "We're the Nursemaids of the World. We're the Parents of the World." Got a problem? Give it to US. Shame us and blame us. We're the haves, so we have to give to the have-nots. Some bunch of assholes run themselves into debt, over-populate the land, pollute everything, and then scream "CLEAN IT UP FOR US. ADOPT US. FEED US. GIVE US MONEY." Just like the spoiled brats they are.

What, exactly, have our pals the Puerto Ricans done for us? Not a fucking thing, except not go Commie like Cuba did. Yet somehow they and a bunch of other peculiar islands all decided to be our allies. We supply them with money, we tolerate their immigrants, and they nag, whine, bitch and complain and want more. The bottom line is always the veiled threat of violence.

How easily bullied Americans are. Ram our buildings and we say, "Gosh, why did you do that? How can we help you?" Fuck up your own country and we say, "Oh come over here, we'll take care of you and you don't even have to learn our language." Run yourselves into debt and we say, "Fuck our own people who need health care and a decent minimum wage, and money to keep our highways and bridges from falling apart. We'll give you a break instead." Because if we don't, you'll kill us.

Shauna Chills: Her Ebay Knickers Pulled Down

"While my manager waddled around the Chiller memorabilia show, PAYING $20 to stand next to ancient women like Terry Moore and Piper Laurie, he did NOTHING for ME!"

So squeals poor Shauna Cuntwell, who adds with a sob, "He could've played my YouTube original songs for Micky Dolenz or Alice Cooper. Imagine if they asked me to open for them!"

Open what, your legs? Shauna, are you dreaming? "I can't believe Bill was so selfish and stupid in wasting such a good opportunity to promote me and my YouTube videos. What was on his laptop?" Puddles of urine, most likely.

Hardly making a fiverrrr on any website, Shauna boldly tried to promote herself on eBay, without Bill's input. She decided to sell some of her used knickers.

"I look VERY cute in my knickers!" Shauna squeaked.

She created an eBay identity: "So as not to jeopardize my music career, I called myself SHAINA and not SHAUNA."

Ebay does NOT allow stinky whorish activity on their site. Well, not always. Rumor has it that Bill Hoobastank himself reported her. Ebay notified her that she had to TAKE DOWN HER KNICKERS!

Reached for comment, Bill gurgled so wildly, even his sister couldn't translate. He either said he would pay for her used knickers, or that he had no use for Niggas, or that his bowels got loose from eating Snickers.

"If Bill did stop the auctions to protect me, ok," Shauna says, "but he should pay me at least a fiverrrr for each pair. I wore each pair for an entire week and actually SANG in them, so they are heavily soiled. They will never wash clean again. As it is, I keep them in plastic bags in the basement, because when I had them in my room, I could hear the sounds of dogs howling at night. At least, I think they were dogs. They could've been guyyyyyys!"