LINDSEY VONN - DUMBEST GREEDIEST BITCH ON THE PLANET

Let's put it this way:

IF SOMEONE TOLD LINDSEY VONN IT COST $500 an OUNCE, SHE'D PROBABLY POSE EATING A PLATE OF DOG SHIT.

She'd be proud of it.

Especially if somebody else was paying for it, like a rich, stupid-ugly guy like Tiger Woods.

Take a look at the pictures above.

What could possibly be the attraction here besides MONEY?

Oh, I know what a few of you are thinking...there's Klum and Seal...opposites who attracted. They attracted because they recognized each other as mediocre talents praised totally out of proportion to their skills. She could stand around in underwear, he could sing hoarsely like Peter Gabriel with a head cold) you could argue that they were attracted because both were celebrities. Or something.

PS, they ended up divorced, after years of bullshit and hearts-and-flowers write-ups in the tabloids about how PERFECT they were, and their brats. Except somebody cheated. Awww. At least it didn't involve three-ways, spanking or shit-eating threats. We'll get to THAT stuff with Tiger Woods shortly.

So Vonn and Woods have something in common...both being athletes. But, one of them is an attractive athlete, and the other looks like a freakish ventriloquist dummy in bad leisure clothes. One of them had to exert a lot of energy to win any kind of prize. The other just wanders around a golf course puttering.

Let's cut to the FINAL SOLUTION for Uber-Lunatic Vonn, Hitler's idea of the Master Race Perfect Woman. She will eventually run, on a broken leg, away from Tiger Woods.

Here's some of what Tiger Woods has done to his other carefully chosen conquests (ie, none of them resemble Rihanna, much less Halle Berry or Lena Horne, if you understand his SHADY interests in what he likes to use and abuse).

LOREDANA JOLIE (referred to as Tiger's 10th mistress in cheating on his wife):

"He was into role-playing...we would go and get tons of girls and he would dress up in a suit." Tiger would sit and observe the action, masturbating: "We were like little puppets and he liked the whole show." The sordid scenes were usually all-girl (""He would invite other girls from other countries to join us...just white...he liked blondes.")

Loredana claimed she'd also denied Tiger anal ("He tried to.") --adding that he'd also tried to get her to ‘toss his salad’: "I didn't say anything. I just didn't do it."

"Toss his salad," in some slang circles, means eat his shit. Literally. Yeah, nice guy, this Tiger Woods. Maybe Lindsey Vonn is eating it, as long as she had Red Bull for a chaser.

JAIMEE GRUBBS...another Tiger mistress...noted that he was "never mentioning [protection] or asking if I was on birth control." Tiger preferred the pull-out method: "Usually on my chest."

And did Tiger Woods want to fuck her in the ass? Of course: ""He tried, yeah. I didn't let him. He just kinda tried and I said, 'Uh-uh.'"

Do we need more?

Well, ONE more. Let's hear from JOSLYN JAMES, who got such romantic texts from Tiger Woods:

Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009: In a week. I will try to wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009: After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009: Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009: You didnt answer the question

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009: Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009: Does that excite you at all or no

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009: Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009: You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009: Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009: Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

That's Tiger Woods, one of the richest men in the sports world, who could be respected, who has, according to the women, a larger than average eight inch hunk of wood to work with, and who you'd think is athletic enough to last and please a woman without being a sicko. (One woman said he tended to come a little too fast).

Too bad. But like O.J. Simpson, another blonde-obsessed lunatic, there's quite an evil side to guys who want so desperately to present a "good guy" image to the public...but who somehow end up living lie, resent the white part of themselves or something, who have basic insecurities, and who are basically stupid-ass idiot savant assholes who have a skill that they were more born with than worked at. So they are guilty, nasty, fucked up...and fuck up women. BADLY fuck up women.

Will this duo break up before they have a child? An uber-monster that can both ski and play golf? Some Adolf Vonn Hitler-Woods with blond hair and a fashionable tan? Why, the thought is almost as stimulating as a can of Red Bull. Almost as nauseating, too.