Late Night Hosts Piss on the Royal Baby

Yes, the great thing about comedians is they are realists. Cynics. Their job is to say the emperor has no clothes...and the "Royals" have no reason to be wasting our time with their spawning.

Just a few moments ago, David Letterman mentioned that the excitement ain't over. The baby's been born but we still don't have the name. And the excitement and furor continue. So: "The couple ask that you respect their privacy. And respect their freeloading."

Dave added, "This royal baby thing has blindsided me. I had no idea it was this big a deal. It's enormous. Every website, every blog, every podcast, every radio show. It's all about the royal baby. These are the oppressive thugs from whom we decided to break away and start our own nation. The baby could grow up to be an evil despot! Then there's an office pool about the name. I have Plaxico."

(Note to Overseas readers...that's the first name of a New York Giants football player who once made a great game-winning catch. But who later shot himself in the leg when his concealed weapon went off in a nightclub he was visiting.)

Dave's impressed, really, because this royal baby is SO important: "The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.”

In all seriousness: “Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They’re the proud parents of a brand new baby boy. This really is big, big news. I mean, if the year was 1250, then it would be big news.”

That's why Dave is the best.

Leno? He didn't want to offend TOO much: “Can you believe the media coverage? You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having the kid. It was unbelievable....I’ve been reading a lot about this royal baby; experts say there is a good chance that this kid could be toilet trained before Justin Bieber.”

The third host on at 11:30, Jimmy Kimmel, is in re-runs this week.

ALSO on at 11:30pm, via cable's "Comedy Central" channel, Stephen Colbert was almost as malicious as Dave: "“Folks, with all the depressing stories out there that I have to report night after night, it is refreshing once in a while to be able to tell you the uplifting story that the idle rich can procreate.”

Conan O'Brien, who starts at 11pm because his silly fans ("Team Coco" as they baby-talk his name) have to get up early for school, said "The royal baby is 8 pounds, but you can’t really put a price on a child.” He redeemed himself slightly with this: "The Royals say they don't care what gender it is, as long as it's healthy enough never to work a day in its life."

Another crappy "pounds" joke was told by stupid and obvious Jimmy Fallon, who is on after Leno at 12:30am. Much younger than Conan, he will be replacing Leno next year at 11:30, because NBC wants to cultivate young and stupid viewers who are easily hypnotized by bad TV commercials. Said Jimmy: "Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today! Yep, the baby weighed about eight pounds, then Americans were like, ‘How much is that in dollars?’”

Currently opposite Fallon (following Letterman) is Scotland-born Craig Ferguson. Ferguson is actually pretty close in the ratings to Fallon, but NOT in the important "young and stupid" demographic. Ferguson's million+ viewers are older. They like Craig's dirty old man approach: "Prince Harry will be an uncle. He's excited! He will no longer be the only one running around the palace naked!"