NERDSTOCK : COMIC CON SAN DIEGO opens TODAY

It's all about money. It's all about pretending super-heroes are real, comic books are truth, and "science fiction and fantasy" is the wonderful world of mythical beasts and aliens that can be defeated. The truth is that science is a nightmare gone out of control, from GOOGLE to AIDS. Go ahead nerds, spend $500 to get a first edition of "1984," and then sit around while GOOGLE watches you read it. I liked it better when people told us NOT to read comic books.

I liked it better when watching old horror movies or re-runs of the Batman and Superman TV shows was a guilty pleasure.

You were considered pretty hip for liking The Avengers but you're a nerd because you're collecting James Bond action figures. And that's the truth. Go ahead, waste your savings bonds on Bond. James Bond. And the rest of the shit.

As you see from the photo, they promote Jim Lee as tops among the invited guest speakers. Why? Because he's the co-publisher of DC Comics, and that's the new power. Stan Lee pioneered this. He made sure everyone knew he was Mr. Marvel Comics, and now fans are supposed to care about the other power-brokers who have the power to turn the Green Lantern gay, kill off a favorite character, or change the rules on Superman and kryptonite.

COMIC CONJOB sucks up to slimeballs like Jim Lee, and the CEO jackasses at Disney and all the rest who fill the exhibit halls.

The only good thing about Nerdstock is that it gives has-beens a chance to make some cash by signing photos. While the majority of the moolah goes into the pockets of Lucas and Disney and Rowling and Marvel and DC Comics and Warners and the rest of the big shots who use the convention to push their latest garbage, this IS the time when some clod who happened to stumble around on the set of Dr. Who can get some worshipping smiles, a burble of "you were SO great in…." and CASH.

Tucked away down one of the many giant corridors where merchants sell their comic books and costumes, and the video game jerks and Disney and the rest have their expensive exhibits, you'll find tables where faintly recognizable wrinkled or Botoxed faces peer, and bony fingers in hand, these "stars" wait to sign photos of themselves when they still weren't famous, but at least were getting a scale paycheck to romp around in a stupid costume on the set of a bad movie.

Oh yes, yes, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the sweat-stained $20 bills and ink!

Among the nobodies who will be sitting at tables and signing tomorrow from 10 to 2:30 pm (no "all day" signings, you better rush rush rush to get there on time):

Erin Gray, actor (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Silver Spoons)
Irwin Keyes, actor (House of 1000 Corpses, Intolerable Cruelty)
Jeffrey Breslauer, actor/author (Terminal Kill, Abner the Clown)
Mindy Sterling, actor (Austin Powers Movies, Legend of Korra)
Raphael Sbarge, actor (Once Upon a Time, Mass Effect)
Richard Anderson, actor (The Six Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman)
Richard Hatch, actor (Battlestar Galactica)
Trina Parks, actor (Diamonds are Forever, Immortal Kiss: Queen of the Night)
Virgil, WWE (Saturday Night Main Event, The Story Of Wrestlmania)
Cindy Morgan, actor (Tron, Caddyshack)
Herbert Jefferson, Jr., actor (Battlestar Galactica, Apollo 13)

Like a Harry Potter spell, the corporeal shapes change at 2:30, and the next group of has-beens get to sit behind those desks. From 2:30pm to 7pm on Friday, even more nobodies:

Ashley Scott, actor (Birds of Prey, Into the Blue)
Claudia Wells, actor (Back to the Future, Fast Times)
Diane Franklin, actor (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Better Off Dead)
Joseph Culp, actor (The Fantastic Four, Mad Men)
Kathy Najimy, actor (King of the Hill, Hocus Pocus)
Rick Fitts, actor (Star Trek: The Next Generation, Parks and Recreation)
Stephen Stanton, actor (Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Robot Chicken)
Timothy Quill, actor (Army of Darkness, Oz the Great and Powerful)
Judi Shekoni, actor (Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties)
NO, the list doesn't get any better on Saturday or Sunday. It's mostly these same idiots, over again.

Know what? On name recognition, I've only heard of four people on the above list. I could only name an actual movie or TV credit for one of them…one that I've met, been on a panel with, and whose TV series I never watched. The other three? Mindy, Kathy, sorry, can't name anything you ever did. Richard Anderson…a fine character actor but so what? There are people so desperate to meet anyone who has been in a sci-fi series that it's worth $20 (or more) to get 30 seconds to say "You were great?"

Fortunately Nerdfest is aimed primarily at YOUNG nerds, who have lots of Mummy and Dadsy's disposable income. This is what rules, you know…brainless idiots in their teens who don't know any better. They buy anything Bieber and Gaga vomit, and they most certainly spend their lives watching all this stupid sci-fi and fantasy shit and graphic novels and junk…because if they actually checked the headlines they'd be too depressed to do anything but drugs. To quote Randy Newman's line, "If you paid attention you'd be worried too."

But these nerds are only worried about getting to the queue on line for that autograph…and then scurrying off to pay money to see a panel of overpaid assholes describe their special effects, their pretentious visions for a particular super hero, or just chuckle and smirk and ad-lib a few lines about how lovely it is to be in San Diego and not Krypton or whatever planet their product/hero comes from.

PS, The list of nobodies is matched by a few other lists. There's a list for "Limited Signings." These are nobodies who think they are somebody, and will ONLY be signing for less than 90 minutes. In that category, for example:

Talent from Beauty and the Beast Jay Ryan, Kristin Kreuk, Megan Rugani or

Talent from Robot Chicken (Seth Green, Matthew Senreich, Tom Root, Zeb Wells)

or Talent from Intelligence Rene Echevarria, Michael Seitzman, Marg Helgenberger, Meghan Ory, Josh Holloway, Alex Mogil, Tripp Vinson Limited Signing - Drawing for Line Tickets to be held Thursday at 9:00 am in the Autograph Area

Looking on the bright side of pessimism, what does the lack of actually FAMOUS names who have been at these events…guys such as William Shatner and Patrick Stewart….mean? That they want to keep the $100 per autograph price up by NOT going every year? Or is it that these events are no longer worth their time because they've priced themselves too high? Oh…to dwell to much on this is TOO needy, TOO nerdy….