FRENCH OPEN, EYES SHUT

It's TENNIS TIME, everyone. Amused?

No.

Is there any real surprise in seeing the same players in every tournament?

The "spectacular" plays they make...are like ones they made in the last tournament. And the one before that.

Oh, maybe there's a sudden death or an upset. But really, when does it ACTUALLY involve sudden death?

Or even an upset stomach?

Sharapova throwing up all over Serena Williams? THAT would be amusing.

The FRENCH OPEN is going on, and I'll spare you having to watch. This is what is going to happen:

On the women's side, a Williams sister will fuck up in the first round, and the other will cruise toward the finals.

There will be a lesbian in the semi-finals.

There will be some Russian-Polish double-ugly with a name nobody can pronounce in the semi-finals.

And she COULD be the lesbian, too.

The hottest chick with the biggest tits will be eliminated before you can say "DOUBLES!"

Lollipop-headed Maria Sharapova will not win. As usual.

Rubbery-assed Serena Williams will expose her rubbery ass, and you will LOOK even though you don't want to. Especially if it's TURQUOISE UNDERPANTS.

On the men's side?

People will still giggle and think it's awfully gay that men are "seeded" in a tournament.

Squinty, ass-eyed Roger Federer will wear a pair of Serena's turquoise underpants for a head band.

He will still lose.

Announcers will find ways to constantly remind everyone of the ethnicity of Nadal. Face it, tennis at this level is all about ethnic pride. People root for their own country's player, no matter what.

In this regard, Americans and Brits will once again sigh and wonder why the hell THEIR GUY never makes the quarter-finals.

Or, makes the quarter-finals only to be blown away worse than Warren Beatty in "Bonnie and Clyde."

Some very ugly Croatian will be playing and the announcers will mistake his grunts for him trying to pronounce his own name.

Somebody will point out that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga is such a silly name nobody should have to pronounce it.

Boris Becker will make one of his spectacular dives, stretching out and sailing several feet in the air...after slipping on a half-opened ketchup packet while trying to get to his seat in the fifth row with a bag of chips.

Somebody will point out Ferrer is not Federer and one viewer out there will actually know the difference and care.

As the non-excitement mounts over whether Novak or "Raffa" or Berdych will go all the way, everyone will be yawning and saying, "Well, this is all just a prelude to WIMBLEDON...that's the one that matters..."