U POS, LOL! YO, SPIC, I B 4 U

Does anyone under 30 know how to write a sentence?

I don't think so, because they text. The idea for these pea-brains is to use the least amount of words and convert everything to symbols, emoticons and abbreviations.

I thought things were getting pretty shitty when Avril Lavigne (who wouldn't like it to be written LEVINE) offered up that stupid song about "SK8TR BOY"

Is that communication? Having to decipher juvenile jibberish? Isn't it a lot quicker and easier to write it the RIGHT WAY??

I think if the average little shit was handed a paper and a pen and told to write a letter, that person would have a broken hand within a half hour. "Wahhhh, I'm NOT USED TO EVEN SIGNING MY OWN NAME..."

Some website or other has warned parents to learn the new language of ABBREVIATIONS.

Oh, fine. It's not bad enough that so many of us are inundated with nigga slang, yo. It's not bad enough that to use my ATM, or to phone most any store or corporation I have to press a button "to continue in English." NOW I have to decipher the fucking code words of idiot tweens?

JFC. (Jesus Fucking Christ).

It's bad enough keeping up with the general slummy new additions to our "language." We live in a sick world where the dictionary actually recognizes "twerking" as a word. What's next, FAPPING?

It's pretty obnoxious when a lot of vile terms enter the mainstream media, whether we WANT THEM OR NOT. It's now not uncommon to see or hear MILF. Now how the hell do I explain THAT one to a wife, mother, aunt or granny?

A few nights ago, Jimmy Kimmel, the smirky competition to Jimmy Fallon (if not Letterman), had another of his zany features: celebrity cursing. Now, since this is Network television, you don't actually HEAR the curse words. They are censored. You're supposed to bawl out loud because of what you THINK was said.

So it was, that Jennifer Anus Stain (let's keep up with the cursing and bad words, shall we) went up against Lisa Kunt-row to see who could come up with the naughtiest insults.

Helpfully, a variation of the censored words appeared by way of subtitle.

If Lisa said, "C#$KSUCKER!" and Jennifer countered with "EAT MY C&$T YOU B*TCH" that's how it would look at the bottom of the screen.

At one point Lisa blurted something that included "CH@#D." And the crowd roared.

The missus: "What? WHAT did she say?"

Me: "She said CHOAD."

"CHOAD? What's CHOAD?"

"Oh...it's...it's...it's some stupid variation on COCK that 14 year-old morons use in the school cafeteria."

At least, I was pretty sure of that. I mean, the chick sucks choad until it splooges? That's about it?

It seems to me that the tweens have been coming up with uglier and stupider sexual terminology than ever before. Twerk is an ugly word. So is choad. So is splooge. So is shaved sniz.

Now? Now parents are being told to sneak a look at the texting and Tweeting and whatnot, and look out for...

Yeah, I get it. Sometimes we use initials or slang because The Thought Police get upset. If I'm in a forum, I can't say "asshole" I have to write "AZZhole," because the moderator, who likes antisemitism, and thinks stealing music via download links is ok, has a bug up his AZZ about using profanity in his forum.

If I report a telemarketer prick to 800notes or one of the other sites that monitor these pests, I have to say things like, "This is the THIRD time THIS POS has called up with this bogus BULLSHID about wanting donations for the policeman's fund..."

That leaves it up to the reader to momentarily think, POS...uh, PIECE OF SHIT? I guess so..."

Now? Now it's pretty fucking difficult to keep up with every ethnic remark, every slang word, every idiot texting abbreviation...

All I can do, as Art Garfunkel phrased it some 40 years ago, is "write the old Two Word suggestion..."

Which would be to tell the tweens of the world: FUCK YOU!

(Or is it EAT SHIT. Or FUCK OFF)...

Art was prefacing a song Paul Simon wrote about graffiti on the subway wall. Now the whole Internet is a subway wall.