The latest information I've gotten is...
DERECK CHISORA has landed an overhand right to the top of Kate Middleton's head, and is currently smacking her like a ketchup bottle, trying to make the baby come out. No luck yet.
DAVID FROST, convinced that her vagina resembles Nixon, has been engaging her crotch in a furious debate over why there hasn't yet been full disclosure.
GORDON RAMSEY has been cursing, but nobody knows exactly why.
GRAHAM NORTON has just put Kate Middleton in a chair, and had her flung backwards, hoping the baby will come flying out. No luck.
SIR ELTON JOHN has reported feeling queasy just thinking about the royal couple having had heterosexual sex.
RINGO, waving his famous "Peace" symbol, has volunteered to stick his two fingers in and try and pull the baby out. Kate's response, "You probably want to put those two fingers in and get me to whistle."
SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY has vowed to continue vamping "Hey Jude, jude-ay jude-ay jude-ay jude-ay" all through Kate's labor, even if it lasts 15 hours.
DERECK CHISORA, now gasping for air, has collapsed and been counted out. According to Jim Watt, David Haye has taken over the job of smacking Kate on the top of the head, but we can't be sure, because Jim Watt is so hard to understand.
The road outside the hospital is strewn with broken eggs. Some kind of hen party got out of control.
Meanwhile, in the time Kate's been in the hospital, some 342 babies have been born to British unwed mothers under the age of 17. The number of babies born to unwed immigrants under 17 now living in Great Britain...too high to count!
UPDATE:
Oh JOY.
It's OVER. The world is SAVED. Kate has given birth.
It's a BOY!
And here she is, showing it off to the world.
Odd little bastard, isn't it?
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