CHILLER! Bill's BIG WEEKEND is HERE

"Hello! If you're wondering what I'm doing with great talents like Shauna Cuntwell and Amy Wagstaff-Wetone, it's...BRINGING THEM TO THE CHILLER CONVENTION!

"Yes, it's that time again, when all the New Jersey nerds, 60 year-old virgins, and FILM FANS and POP CULTURE devotees converge at the convention by car, or even by a bus to the train to the train to the taxi.

"This year's guest list is bigger than ever, now that Comic Con and other events have made collecting photos and sefies so respectable and popular. Thousands and thousands of us will eagerly pay the huge admission price, and then become human bumper cars, knocking into each other as we shuttle from noisy humid sweaty room to room, shouting, "Great to see you" at Alice Cooper or Rob Schneider and feverishly staring at the photo being autographed. "Thanks!" A mere $20 or $50.

"We'll hurry along trying to get those photo ops, and then post them for ALL our friends to admire: 'Wow, you got to stand next to the guy who played "Jethro" on "The Beverly Hillbillies!" How very fortunate for you!' You bet! Others might feel a little empty or even depressed at paying out money to get less than 30 seconds in front of a D-lister who keeps repeating "Thanks...NEXT..." Not US!

"We love adding to our collections. QUANTITY not QUALITY! And a lot of us will do our COSPLAY and show up in COSTUME or in make-up, imitating some Star Wars character or obscure cult figure. What fun when another nerd asks, "Where did you get your costume?" and "Mind if I take a picture of you??" WHEE!"

Yes, Bill and his friends will pay BIG money to show up opening night (Friday night), wetting their pants to get first crack at Weird Al or Cherrie Curie while they're "fresh" and signing their whole names legibly. But they MAY suffer anxiety, worrying if that first night will be SO crowded, the stars and their handlers will be rushing people and shouting, "Keep it moving, don't ask questions, have your money out."

The show will definitely be feverish on Saturday, with overheated dopes trudging along, craning their necks, and checking their print-outs for which stars are in which rooms and tallying up which are MUST HAVE'S at $20 or $50 and which might be "Well, if I still have money after buying action figures and a huge lunch and a tub-size bowl of popcorn."

Sunday? Some restless clods may wait till Sunday hoping for bargains on what's left, and hoping to drag out their camcorders and say "This is for my YOUTUBE channel," and try to get five minutes of dopey "interview" time with one of the lesser names. BUT a lot of stars are worn out by Sunday, and many pack up and leave by 1pm or 2pm to catch flights back home.

SO much to see and do. Some will come to yet again chat with Alice Cooper's ex-bandmates. Some will be THRILLED to collect photos of the entire cast of bad action show CHIPS. Some will just want to stare at every bosomy scream queen and ex-Playboy centerfold. And...let's not forget THE MONKEES!

THE MONKEES! The fucking MONKEES! Good lord the MONKEES! Hey Hey The MONKEES!

Does it matter there are only TWO of them now? The two stupidest? Hell no.

You can bet Bill and the gang will want to take photos of the MONKEES MOBILE, and whine and cry and beg for a chance to SIT IN IT. "What? Not even if we PAY an extra $20?"

Bill and his friends will be happily gossiping about how badly Micky Dolenz looks, how GREAT it was to get to see this new incarnation of THE MONKEES with Dolenz, Tork and Hart...and how mean the staff was to not let everyone use their camcorders to record the show.

Among the memorable guests...

How about the people who pose for a "this is how I am now" picture, staring and glaring in dead seriousness? Like, "What do you mean I'm not worth paying $20 for a photo op?"

Some of 'em don't even put a recent picture in (like Terry Moore, who was attractive 50 years ago).

Still, IF YOU'RE BEING HONEST...aren't there two or three on the above list of massively unimpressive nobodies and people you USED to like, that you wouldn't mind meeting?

OK, but not if it involves being humiliated waiting on a long line of morons, not when it means being considered another moron, and not when it involves paying for a few seconds of face time and a dopey souvenir that means next to nothing.

"How did you get that autographed photo?" "Er, I paid admission, stood on a tedious line with smelly retards, and paid." "What did you say to this fantastic star?" "Er, I said I ADMIRE YOUR WORK. The star eventually looked up and said THANKS."

How many will try and think up a trivia question: "I always wanted to know, Mr. Baer, did you ever accidentally see Donna Douglas in her bra and panties in her dressing room? What was that like?"

Many will try and impress: "Meatloaf, I was in the SECOND ROW when you played your THIRD night in Cleveland in support of the "Bat Out Of Hell #2 album!"

And some will just gurgle, leer, sweat, and shit their nappies.

Some people are very easily pleased, that's for sure. Just the chance of meeting a once-famous person is enough. But the chance to add to that looseleaf binder full of signed photos, or show off to Facebook friends with your dumb face next to some glowering bored and almost unrecognizable former star? WOW!

So many D-listers. So many has-beens. Such a trivial pursuit. What a way of blowing hundreds of dollars that you won't miss because you simply cashed a social security check, a pension check, or got the money from Mom...