Kerry Katona: "I'm Getting David Gest Tattooed On My Ass!"

Famous pinhead Kerry Katona says she hasn't passed any gas since her beloved pal David Gest died.

"It's true," Kerry whined, "I'm absolutely broken-farted. My therapists (I have one for every day of the week, eight in all), told me my idea of getting a David Gest tattoo on my ass might help."

Here's the couple in happier times. Kerry, with a brain the size of a rotten walnut, always needed to have men on either side of her, helping her walk. She also had men on either side of her in bed, as she couldn't tell her mouth from her twat.

While Kerry is a microcephalic ("Mum had zika before it was popular," she laughs), David Gest was almost the opposite. Obsessed with the need to be a big star, he had his face enlarged by having basketball pumps inserted in his nostrils. The pumps contained a mixture of spackle and Spam, giving his head a meaty, pinkish glow.

The only problem was that David could now only breathe through his mouth. As Kerry recalls, "David used to tell me that his nostrils were blocked up with hardened Spam. He said he couldn't smell at all, but I assured him that he was wrong."

Gest, who became a more flagrant (if not fragrant) homosexual with each passing year, never disguised his contempt for women. That's why he appreciated Kerry Katona. For her part, being a totally untalented bint, she appreciated that she wasn't the only one. There was also David Gest.

"Oh, he had a talent for self-promotion," Kerry giggles, "and a talent for making people puke. Many times, a poisoning victim would simply come over to the house and watch David give a dog a blowjob. Did you watch that Celebrity House show where he was fondling some other guy? You can imagine a Niagara of vomit all over Great Britain."

Speaking of a Niagara of vomit, Kerry excused herself to use the ladies room. She emerged thirty minutes later wearing a lobster bib for a skirt. "I'm not sure what kind of discharge that was," she confided. "It had the consistency of succotash, the smell of sardines, but was the color of Watney's Stout. There was a dribble left over, and it ate right through the crotch of my knickers. Kotex and all."

Letting out a high-pitched squeal, from some part of her body, Kerry then got serious about the David Gest tattoo. "Oh, yes, I'm going to do it. I was going to have it on my crotch, since David was such a cunt. The problem would've been to shave my pubes in the exact design of David's peculiar beard and mustache. I then realised that his face would just about fit on my ass, and his mouth would be my anus. I'm sure I'll be inspired to fart and shit when I bend over and look in a mirror. Seeing it come out of David's mouth will be such nostalgia! I'll bet I'll have many more requests from guys wanting to fuck me in the ass. Well, gay guys. I know I have a campy following as it is, but imagine all those gay men buggering me just to pretend they're face-fucking David!"

Attempting to light a cigarette, Kerry set fire to her nose instead. Lighting up immediately, she smiled and waved goodbye, somehow getting a finger stuck in her ear.

She called out, "Just remember, David Gest is in a better place now. Thank Christ he didn't have to be in Grimsby!"