Gershness Gracious: KUNTZMAN attacks PAT BOONE

Hey, you fuckin' Kuntzman, NOW you've done it.

You can do anything else, but lay off of Pat Boone's white buckskin shoes. Or whatever he wears.

BACK OFF ON THE BOONE!

As regular readers here know, this Gersh Kuntzman guy has a tendency to write columns that irk me. He attacks the Eagles (while praising Steely Dan fer Chrissake) and here, he has the nerve to kick an American icon, Pat Boone, the easy-listening king of "Take it Easy" music.

This troublemaker takes up space attacking PAT BOONE? What did Pat Boone DO? Oh, Pat did an interview in which he complained about a sketch on the increasingly irrelevant "Saturday Night Live." Is either topic really worth discussion? "Saturday Night Live" isn't funny, and most people don't even know Pat Boone is still alive.

OK, hold it right there.

First off, a Jewish writer shouldn't be attacking "Christian faith" as practiced by Pat Boone, because it's the same "Christian Faith" as practiced by several million just like him. It's unseemly to do this unless you're a Christian, too. It doesn't look nice.

Secondly, the idea that Christians might not find a SNL sketch funny ignores the bigger picture. Millions of atheists, agnostics, Jews, Muslims and even laidback Buddhists don't find SNL funny.

SNL's batting average is dismal. Maybe one sketch in ten (that's .100) is entertaining. You might laugh at three "weekend update" jokes out of the whole miserable, tedious, drawn-out five minutes. Aside from unfunny comedy, there's always two always horrible musical performances by dimwit rappers, dopey twats with mops on their heads, or stereotypical rock nitwits masturbating their instruments while grimacing.

Not to digress, but I think the main problem with SNL is having too many Christians. Christians are NOT funny. They certainly have a pair of unfunny fat slobs in Aidy Bryant and Bobby Moynihan.

Tell me Aidy Bryant has EVER done anything except playing sassy, crass blobs that would even make Amy Schumer throw up. Tell me that Bobby Moynihan's "Riblet" isn't the most aggravating, obnoxious character since Will Ferrell began cheerleading?

No, don't tell me. And don't tell me I'm supposed to be impressed with how many ways Jay Pharoah can bug his eyes and swivel his neck when he imitates the dozens upon dozens of boring black movie and TV stars I'm supposed to care about. And don't tell me sour Michael Che has EVER been funny or that he didn't get where he is by affirmative action. And don't tell me Kate, "Kristin Wiig Lite" hasn't wrung every dykey drop of dipshit from her rotten Hillary Clinton impression. And don't tell me there's more to Taran Killam than playing irritating Millennials. Don't tell me that Colin Jost is anything but a super-lucky preppie with absolutely NO ability to deliver a punchline, or that Pete Davidson isn't a hemorrhoid Adam Sandler pipsqueak creep, or that Darrell Hammond will EVER re-learn how to do Donald Trump well, or that Leslie Jones isn't the most racist stereotype of black women in the history of television ("Beulah" included).

And DON'T tell me that Kyle Mooney or Beck Bennett will ever make anyone laugh.

Hey, where was I?

Oh Yeah. This Gersh Kuntzman character dissing the great PHAT BONE. Er, PAT BOONE.

"Pat Boone is a genuine idiot."

Oh? And Rush Limbaugh isn't? The Westboro Baptist Church isn't worse than a bunch of idiots? Most Republicans aren't? Animal murderer Paul Ryan isn't? Bird killer Mike Huckabee isn't? Psycho abortion denier Kasich isn't?

My point being, WHY go after Pat Boone? Because he out-lived Lawrence Welk?

What's this guy done, exactly? He's just another conservative Bible-thumping fool and really, he doesn't matter to anyone. He has a movie out that nobody will see. He plays concerts in very small rural halls. He influences NOBODY.

And he's not THAT much of an idiot. At times, he's been cool.

How cool was that album where he sang heavy metal songs? His followers hated it. He did it anyway.

He also put out an album singing (badly) soul classics IN DUET WITH THE ACTUAL SOUL STARS. They liked Pat Boone despite his whitebread and whole milk personality and supported him in making an obscure album with no chance of big sales. That tells you more about Pat Boone than Gersh Kuntzman can tell you. GERSH KUNTZMAN has to make him an easy target? For NOT liking a "Saturday Night Live" sketch??

After a while, and when it's somebody who isn't doing much harm, you give a little breathing room to a guy like Boone, if only because he's still breathing. This is a good man. He's a "good Christian." He'll stop and help you if you're gasping and having convulsions, even if you're in the GENUINE IDIOT costume of an Orthodox Jew. (I have faith. I'm sure he would).

Gersh, I will tell you about a book you should read:

"The Pat Boone Fan Club: My Life as a White Anglo Saxon Jew" by Sue William Silverman.

This nice, middle-aged (well, older) Jewish lady wrote a book that expressed a point of view that many Jews have. Randy Newman expressed it in five words: "An American Christian! God Damn!"

Sue, and many others, grew up impressed by and influenced by the Pat Boone ideal. Guys looked like Pat Boone. Girls looked like Patti Page. Their wholesome lifestyle was appealing. They accomplished great things. John Glenn was an astronaut. Mickey Mantle was a baseball player. Donna Reed was a housewife.

I won't be a spoiler, but I'll mention this: among the things I learned in this book is that PAT BOONE IS FOR ISRAEL. He defends it. He supports it. He sees its importance for Christians as well as Jews. For all his backward nonsense, he does have "Christian charity." He does have a sense of what being a "Christian" means, which is to champion dignity, wholesome values, and apple pie. Granted, he might like charosset if he had some. Granted, most Christians are hypocrites who talk about hating gays while they are in the next bathroom stall trying to pick one up. He IS an idiot. But he also ISN'T.

After a while, guys like Pat Boone and the late John Wayne get a pass, that's all there is to it. They might be wrong. Racist even. Stupid. Fundamentalist. They get a pass anyway. If you don't point out how idiotic Orthodox Jews are, don't devote a whole column to trashing Pat Boone. He's a very old and somewhat silly guy who is stuck with a nose that's turning blue. He has an increasingly hopeless notion of easy-listening music and family entertainment. But he isn't a racist, he sincerely liked "Tutti Frutti" and thought it would be nice to croon it so you could understand the lyrics. And he got a kick out of heavy metal tunes and soul music sung with enthusiasm if not authenticity.

And he's a descendant of Daniel Boone, fer Chrissake, and Daniel Boone was played on TV by Fess Parker, and Fess also played Davy Crockett, and Davy Crockett is a truly great American hero who died at the Alamo so that one day Donald Trump could run for office on the platform of building a wall and preventing attacks by the descendants of Santa Anna! So there.