"I drove from Weehawken to Parsippany here in fabulous NEW JERSEY, for a MEMORABILIA SHOW. I did it just like I've done for 15 numbing years in a row!
"I had to make sure to be there the FIRST NIGHT. I brought a huge shopping bag full of nappies and off I went, waddling around meeting STARS!
"Well, compared to me, a pudgy virgin nerd, these are STARS. You don't recognize this guy??
"Yes, it's the one and only Dominic Chianese! As you can tell by my usual giddy, sappy grin, I shit myself as soon as I sat down.
"I almost had an erection putting my arm around this FAMOUS STAR! But if I had one, what could I do about it? Look at my slob-gut! I can barely reach my dick. I piss sitting down.
By New Jersey standards, I'm almost shapely! Look at the obese blob at the next table! I did NOT spend $20 to pose with HIM. In fact, I didn't bother with Alice Cooper, Meatloaf, Weird Al, The Monkees...these are not of interest to an over-the-hill dullard like me. I only care about old movies and TV shows and THIS almost unrecognizable D-list actress!
"She looks like she could star in a new version of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane," doesn't she?
"Another film buff said she resembles the "little girl who is really the devil" in the Fellini segment of "Spirits of the Dead." Gee, I wouldn't know. Fellini is too far out for ME. I like sci-fi and "The Godfather" and silly sitcoms.
"Look at me in that photo: I didn't have my usually pig-in-slop yellow-toothed grimace of childlike joy. This is because I was worried that Terry Moore might smell my shit, and ask me why I didn't change my diaper before sitting down. And the answer is I did, but you know ME, any time I meet a celebrity, I lose control! She was a double-load. I shat myself when I first saw her, changed, and shat again once I got next to her!
"I was so thrilled to settle my lard next to TERRY MOORE. My big gob of tummy-goo was almost wobbling up against the side of a D-list star who hasn't made a movie worth seeing in over FIFTY YEARS!
"And look at the glamor of this: she's sitting at a table full of boring film stills, while jerks in work pants and jeans wander by, and there's absolutely NO line.
"I think the last movie she made that anyone remembers is 1960's "Why Must I Die?" Why? Good question! A better one is why must I DIE, when I have 7,000 more photos to upload of me with my arm around people for less than 10 seconds.
"Did you know Terry Moore fucked Howard Hughes? Wow. Nobody under 60 knows who the hell he was, but I sure do. He was a movie MOGUL! He ended up a reclusive nut, sort of like me. He cast Terry in her most famous movie, "Mighty Joe Young," which nerdy horror film fans watch ONLY for when the giant ape goes berserk. She wasn't exactly Fay Wray. But hey, I GOT A PICTURE WITH HER, heh heh heh! AND...she autographed a DVD for me. It's yet another addition to my shelves, which are sagging just like the belt around my waist! Sure, most people don't collect this crap, and wouldn't even want this movie as a free download on their external hard drive. But me? This is my life!
"I've stared at this signed DVD for hours already, along with the other signed DVDs and posters and photos I got. It almost made me late posting all these fabulous new pictures of ME with D-listers!
"How about this next one? Doesn't this woman look like a Madame Tussaud dummy? Let me tell you, when I waddled over with my sweaty $20 bill, all the blood drained from her face. She looked alive before she saw me. I thought she was going to puke, but she took the money and posed with me anyway.
"Guess who??
"Yes, here's somebody with goofier teeth than MINE. I've got that "Deer in the Headlights" look on my sweaty face, because I was kind of scared. I was actually standing next to a female who might still be menstruating. You don't find many of those at a convention like this.
"I was trembling so badly, I could barely get my big fat paw onto her shoulder. I had also gushed a really wet load and I knew my diaper wasn't holding all of it, and it was dripping down my leg. We stood in the middle of the hallway, with nerds and losers lost in buying stuff, eating stuff, being dung beetles and maggots...and this greenish-beige woman had others ready to pay her some money. So my sister had only had a few seconds to snap the photo.
"It's a good thing MacKenzie Phillips' face was so well waxed, and her dentures were cemented into place, so she could hold that expression. Even so, considering the smell of my shitty pants, in another second or two she was going to keel over.
"I wish I hadn't had another bowel eruption. I was hoping I might get a whiff of Mackenzie's twat. I'm gobsmacked over any chance to stand near a woman who could still fuck! Even if she won't fuck ME.
Frankly, I will stand next to any woman, even one with a dried apricot between her legs. Like THIS woman you can't possibly recognize.
"Don't I have a very stupid expression on my pudgy puss? It's because this unrecognizable gnome I'm standing with shouted to my sister, "Hurry up and take the damn picture. $20 doesn't buy THAT much of my fucking time. Your brother smells like a transgender bathroom; shit and fish and stale semen.
"I didn't think that was very nice of her. Then again, she wasn't very nice as the psycho mother in "Carrie." How long ago was that? Nevermind. Yes, I spent over TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on getting autographs and photo-ops with D-listers nobody can even recognize, but I was thrilled. And to give you an idea of how dull Weehawken is, and the law office where I'm a librarian, people are impressed by me! Well, at least they say "Oh, how very fortunate for you," before hurrying away. Still, I can't wait to upload all these great pictures to the Internet for the world to see. As long as I'm in every photo!
"I didn't take photos of the strange-looking New Jersey morons who were in the hallways, wearing their Star Wars outfits, and vampire teeth and black top hats, and Star Trek pajamas. I think dress-up is silly. When I go to these shows I wear comfortable khaki pants that I can easily pull down for a diaper change, and a boring extra-large shirt tailored with extra room for a paunch.
"I only got ONE more shot. Yes, $200 was my limit (not including admission price, gas, food, gas from the food, and more gas so I could get from the highway to the convention to the highway and then home.) I couldn't spend more than $200 because the price of adult diapers has gone up. I'm up to 3 packs of them a day. But lookie lookie! Recognize this FANTASTIC SUPERSTAR??
"Butch is almost the same age as I am: near death.
"I was so delighted standing next to him. How many people named BUTCH do you know? What an honor to have a picture with somebody who was on "The Munsters." He did little on the show, and had NO career after it ended two years later, but to me he is a GOD. I was almost tipping over being next to him. Being a librarian who sits on his ass all day, my body has sort of morphed into a giant muffin. My belly hangs at an angle, my full diaper sags and weighs me down, and really, if I don't balance myself by placing an obese albino gorilla paw on the star's shoulder, I might fall on my face, which is something I've obviously done many, many times.
"Sorry I didn't take hundreds more photos, showing the 15 or 20 different plates of food I ate, or all the different bathroom stalls I was in, but the important thing is pictures of ME with FAMOUS STARS! Compared to what you see in Weehawken, believe me, these are FAMOUS STARS!
"Thank you one and all, for posing with me. I'm sure you would've done it if I didn't pay you. Well, maybe not. But who knows, maybe Dominic Chianese would've taken pity on me. I loved him in "The Godfather." What an epic. What a classic. That film goes on forever, like three or four hours. Almost as long as "2001: A Space Odyssey." Long boring movies are a lot like my long, boring life. Thank God for my huge collection of signed photos, and pictures of me blinking like a duck on ether, grinning like a baby crocodile, and shitting like an overstuffed psychotic goose.
With my mammoth collection of selfies with D-listers to stare at, and all the DVDs I can re-run over and over, I'm my neighborhood's "Mr. Showbiz." I know how to live: going to cemeteries as a hobby! Say, with the price of cemetery plots going up even more than adult diapers, I better get one soon. And a tombstone!
"I know exactly what it'll say. Aside from my name and the date of birth and death, it'll have the catch-phrase so many think is perfect for me: "I'M DEAD BUT I DON'T KNOW IT."
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