Shauna Cuntwell Stumps for Thick, Tax-Free Tampons

It's been a busy week for Shauna Cuntwell and her manager, Bill Hoobastank.

Bill's claimed to have seen every record label in England. "I visited a garbage dump, and there was this huge pile of 45's. Some had "Lord of the Boot Senile" written on them. All those record labels! All those colors! Too bad there are so few record labels still in business. But don't worry, I'll get Shauna a deal, or at least have my photo taken with Clive Davis and Simon Cowell. Gurgle! Gurgle!"

In the meantime, Shauna's been out seeking publicity, and has discovered that a good way of getting her face in the papers, is to be photographed at a demonstration. She attended one of those "Don't Tax Tampons" rallies, in which self-entitled cunts hold up signs, wear fake-bloodied knickers on their heads, and in general act like they need a napkin over their mouths.

Shauna didn't write the article that appeared on a feminist news website, but she's offered to put it to music. "All I assssk is a fiverrrrrr," she says.

When reached for comment, Bill Hoobastank said, "I can't tell Shauna how to spend her time. Mostly she can't hear me through the bathroom door, and with the water running. She spends most of her time shaving her twat. She's phobic. She is convinced if she doesn't, a tic might crawl up and start swinging from a stray hair, and she simply doesn't like the idea of insects having a good time.

"Shauna also uses a tampon at all times. She doesn't like the idea of an ant crawling up inside her twat and enjoying a bloody sauna. She's funny that way. Not that I'm laughing. I do have this smile, which is more like the grimace of a retarded crocodile."

Bill shrugs about the tampon tax issue: "Look, these entitled bitches get these crazy ideas and they yammer us to death until we go along, just to have some peace. How stupid is it for women to put knickers on their heads? And why don't they protest things BEYOND their cunts?"

"What about men? Men have to shave every day. Why should our shaving cream be taxed? We buy condoms. They're taxed. We sweat more than women and our deodorant is taxed! We should get FREE deodorant!

"How about my special problem? Do you have any idea how much adult diapers are? Why don't women think about equality, and have signs saying tampons AND adult diapers shouldn't be taxed? Some bitch says having a womb shouldn't be a taxable offense? How about having an old anus that doesn't work anymore? Why is that a taxable offense?

"Why are these stupid bints so selfish? How about toilet paper? Shitting is as natural as menstruating. Women don't think much beyond their twats, do they? Not even to their assholes! Why is there a tax on toilet paper??

"Here's something strange. Women are NOT complaining that their make-up is taxed. Why not? If they didn't spend so much on make-up, they wouldn't CARE about the minor tax on tampons. MEN don't wear lipstick and eye-makeup and the rest of that crap. Instead of whining about a tax on tampons they should save their money and not by vanity lipstick and mascara! Real equality is for women to NOT buy that stuff, and gurgle...gurgle...hee hee...gurgle..."

For a while there, Bill was making too much sense. He grinned, soiled his nappy, and lapsed into his usual gurgling. Then he wanted his picture taken for the tenth time in the past hour. Why he thinks anyone wants to see his ridiculous face is hard to understand. Then again, so is he. Or as he said as he waddled away, "Gurgle...gurgle...FRRRRUMP" That last noise came out of his asshole and sounded like somebody's foot getting stuck in a huge pile of mud.