Phony TONY Awards - Broadway STINKS and SINKS

The truth about Broadway is that it's a tourist trap. Most of the shows STINK. Prices are so high that the only ones who can afford it are the idiot tourists and affluent gays.

Sales are DOWN. Which is what happens when you start to exclude so much of the population by flooding almost every theater with only two particular types of slime.

It wasn't that long ago when the page listing Broadway shows had variety...shows that were the equivalent of champagne, soda pop, milk, whiskey or some exotic mixed drink totally baffling and intoxicating in a unique way. Not now.

Theater isn't Bette fucking Midler camping it up with re-cycled "dish" insults stuck in the mouth of the dead and useless agent she's fake-portraying on stage at the moment.

Theater isn't YET ANOTHER FUCKING DRAG QUEEN MUSICAL (which won Best Musical this year).

Theater isn't supposed to be dimwit revivals of "Pippin" "Annie" or "Cinderella" so an overbreeding family can go back home to Armpit, Georgia and brag about it to barefooted friends.

But that's BROADWAY now. Mostly, it STINKS. Go to a show and be prepared for ill-mannered oafish tourist jackasses and just as ill-mannered rich-bitch gays and loudmouth lesbians having to call attention to themselves.

Last time I attended a show...my beautiful ladyfriend (a Tony Award winner, by the way) was holding her Playbill to the side of her head. At intermission she told me that the GAY next to her was chewing gum, pulling it out of his mouth constantly in long strands, and popping it back in. Yeah, gays are SO classy. What do they do? Suck cock and take it up the ass...somehow these two activities are synonymous with intellect, sensitivity and the finer things in life? And this creep has to pretend his gum is coagulated semen or something?

Time to hunt up someplace else to sit for the rest of the show.

Now it turns out Broadway's slumping under the monotony of gay-interest and "FAMILY" drek. Too bad. Too late.

It's sad that the world of theater doesn't have a better balance of shows anymore. Sure, give the families something wholesome. Give gays something to be proud of and call their own. Hell, I even forgive "Phantom of the Opera" running forever...and almost forgive the continued success of "Chicago" even if it actually has only two good songs in it ("He Had it Coming" and a song I tend to quote a lot: "Whatever Happened to Class") Most are even tolerant of Sting-k's "Spiderman" musical, which people go to see because it's a circus act.

But where's the balance? Last night's TONY show affirmed that it votes in a clique and pushes gay shows and kiddie shows. Oh, and throw in a PC award to somebody black once in a while.

No question the TONY awards underline that the stage is no longer a place of creativity, challenge and ART. The shows are either revivals (oh, "Pippin," what the world needs now) or re-runs of stale ideas (we had "Hairspray" in a REVIVAL and now fucking fat Fierstein is at it again with "Kinky Boots.") A variation was "Cinderella," which was never on Broadway (it was made for TV with Julie Andrews) but arrived stillborn with cliche choreography and some of the worst and most boring performers ever to trod the boards.

The TONY awards is known for empty-headed, smirking, preening, obnoxious ego-maniacs (mostly gay) prancing around doing "jazz hands" and telling the world that they should pay hugely over-priced tickets to swallow "glitz" and sit around eating cake. Isn't that what "Kinky Boots" actually is? Just icing? Just silly decoration as gays pretend to be women? The tasteless are telling us what our tastes should be.

Isn't "Annie" stale? People go to see a revival of an old piece of junk like this the same way they go to McDonalds for a warmed over apple pie and some fries.

TONY awards for "Kinky Boots?" When Lauper's music (as Sting's was) got panned by every critic? Oh well, Lauper after the show actually quoted "Wizard of Oz" lines from Judy "Dorothy" Garland. Too nauseating to quote here.

Let's be honest. Everybody knows Broadway is for gays and tourists. It's embarrassing.

"You like the theater? SHOW TUNES?? You must be QUEER!"

Damn.

It wasn't always like that. Not in the days of Helen Hayes. Not when "Fiddler on the Roof" and the gutsy "Man of La Mancha" were new. Even gay writers were turning out brilliant work and people went to see it..."Streetcar Named Desire" for example.

Going to the theater meant you saw powerful actors right in front of your eyes. You saw confrontation, real time. You saw in musicals, some truly exciting and rousing performances, made all the more moving because it was LIVE, not film. Christ, "Lenny" with Cliff Gorman. "Sweeney Todd" with Cariou and Lansbury.

Now? I can't even remember the last new musical that didn't suck. It may have been "Little Shop of Horrors" which was long ago, and campy but in a clever way. When was the last time a brilliant actor took to the stage alone and was brilliant? Christopher Plummer as Barrymore is the last I can think of. Although...you might add Dame Edna. See, I'm not in horror of female impersonation, it just has to have wit and a purpose behind it.

Straight plays? Mostly these are revivals. "Death of a Salesman" again and again. New plays from new writers? Where are they? What was the last one you heard of? When was the last time somebody said, "There's a brilliant play you must see..." Uh, "Equus?" Which happened to toss in male nudity? As did the play the grown-up Harry Potter starred in a few seasons ago? Don't even remember the title because it sure as hell didn't rival anything from Arthur Miller!

Most new plays are pretentious. The word "stagey" comes to mind. Most are of course concerned with gays, lesbians or transgender issues. It's usually a boring 90 minutes keyed to some pointless confrontation that has no real ending. No real ending, by the way, is one way of keeping a bad show going for a while. Critics can easily slam a play that doesn't deliver the O.Henry twist, but they don't want to look foolish by panning a play that was in some way over their heads or slid past their parameters of cool.

Today you check the Broadway listings and even if it's not $100 or more for a decent ticket, even if you stand on the humiliating half-price TKS line for a bargain, even if you are guaranteed to not be sitting with boorish noisy and distracting morons...what's worth going to see? Almost nothing.

But it becomes LESS than ZERO when the TONY clique rig it so that the tourists will flood the box office for either the GAY new show ("Kinky Boots") or the latest tourist-trap bring-the-kids FAMILY ATROCITY ("Matilda"). Those two shows slurped up all the musical honors. The straight plays? Hell, Tom Hanks didn't win, even if he was in the final play from Nora Ephron. Nope, the bitchy bitchy bitchies who vote were NOT going to do that. It went to some guy in a revival of Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf," a vivid slam at two heterosexual couples. But why discuss the TONY phony awards any further, when all awards show are a farce? JUST to drive home the point that the TONY awards are part of the problem, and that Broadway STINKS as it SINKS and it's because of discrimination against good actors, good music, worthy writers...and a clique-driven pandering to gays, drag queens and mindless tourists.