BILL GOES INTO LABOUR!

"Hello every person! It's me!! Star-struck BILL HOOBASTANK!

"Look who I've gotten my picture taken with!"

"I am such a fat clod, some people think I'm pregnant.

"I was touring Grimsby and Hull, and some thoughtful charwoman asked "Are you going into Labour?" I think that's what she said. It was this very ugly woman with stringy black hair, and a paunch almost as big as mine. It turned out that was no lady, it was Apey Savage, a local gorilla. Actually I got it all wrong. He was asking if I was going to be voting for the Labour candidate.

"He added, "If you are, you're in trouble, mate, because I'm a Fascist Nazi! I don't believe in progressive politics!"

"You can imagine how confused I was. But then I saw some people marching around with VOTE LABOUR signs, and one guy with glasses who looked like a television comedian, came over to me. I sensed he was famous, so I gave him a tenner and asked if I could shake his hand. It was wonderful. I shook his hand and slipped my tenner out of his palm and back into my pocket.

"I explained that I knew nothing about British political parties, but that I once had my photo taken with a tory. Torie Spelling. She's most famous for being the daughter of TV producer Aaron Spelling, but to me, that's FAME! They were complaining about Eating Duncan Donuts. Or so I thought. They were actually talking about Iain Duncan something or other.

"I tried to show that I cared. I told them about the time I was a tourist in Spain, and I was taking photos of myself with matadors and picadors, and how I got the shit scared out of me during the running of the bulls. I said, "So I know how you feel. I filled my pants with shit after a bull knocked its horn into me. I was gored and brown!"

"One of them shouted, "We were talking about Gordon Brown, you fat dimwit! YOU BIG FAT MORON!"

"I said "You don't have to Blair at me." And somehow, being anti-Blair made them happy. I decided I better give that guy back the tenner, and hurry back to my hotel, where the bathroom door doesn't close, but the stores all do before it gets dark.

"I sure hope this Labour bunch win, as I'm in favor of any party that Apey Savage the Fascist Nazi opposes. I hear Savage likes to grab pigeons backwards, hold his mouth up to their asses, and squeeze. He gets all that yellowy bird shit into his mouth, like you'd squeeze custard out an eclair. He's a weird creep, but it takes one to know one!"