"It's me, dirty, annoying, talentless, obnoxious, ugly, gopher-faced Darren Lock!
"What's on my feeble mind now? I want YOU to help ME fulfill my dream!
"It's to be able to menstruate! I want to squat on my queenly throne in the Court of the Crimson Quim!
"I wish my knickers were just like THIS!!!!!!"
"Yes, I'm the silly twat who is on YOUTUBE making a laughingstock of myself, getting 10 or 20 hits per entry, and having people wonder why this self-important git doesn't just fuck off.
"If I'm being honest, I act like a cunt (British term) because I want a cunt (American term).
"Believe me, I've been an irritating drunk in bars, and I've got kicked in the balls so often they look more like hanging labia. My dick is even inverted and looks more like a navel. But I want a REAL VAGINA.
"I've been making a nuisance of myself since 1992, and though I really do know I don't appeal to many people, I appeal to you all to help ME fulfill my dream. That's what the Internet is all about, isn't it? It's to let mediocre jackasses run their mouths and call attention to themselves. I'm burdening YOU with making my dreams come true.
"Why not? My mother is sorry I was even born. She won't help. She told me, 'Darren, you useless idiot, you pebble-brained pornophile, you are less a human and more of an opinionated ape. I only wish chavs had punched me over and over again in my third month, so I could've just drooled you out like bad raspberry jam, and tossed you in the trash.'
"Yes, mum said it. If I'm being honest, that's a more truthful and witty remark than anything I've said on YouTube. Especially about Robert Fripp and his band."
"But let's get down to business. Boxing promoters, ex-Olympic athletes...all kinds of men have become women. Here I am, a definite cunt, just wanting to officially HAVE a cunt, and be on the rag at LEAST five days of the month. Think of it! I can excuse my drivel on YouTube by saying 'Oh, I did that during THAT time of month. Here, see my knickers! That's not Ribena in the crotch!'
"Thanks to Bill Hooverstank, who made the first donation. Imagine, he spent money he would've wasted on paying to stand next to Christopher Eccleston. Sad! Bill so much wanted to tell Chris: 'You played Dr. Who a whole THIRTEEN TIMES! That's the number of times I've fucked my wife in 40 years!' But I digress. I'd like to thank the Lord of the Boot Sale, and Seniormole, and Zinhof for donating, but. No. Those cheap fucks don't spend money on anything except crappy records charity shops charge a few pennies for, pedophilia porn, Nazi memorabilia and cheap wine.
"Help me bloody menstruate. Right now I make do by shitting my knickers a lot. Does that make me a schizoid man? I use my Dark Tongue for Ass-Picking! Maybe that explains my shitty, filthy songs. Oh yes, and when I fart, I turn around and talk to the wind!
"In conclusion, help me get that vagina operation so I can become QUIM CRIMSON! Those who donate, will be allowed to listen to me cackle jokes in The Court of the Crimson Queen. Which is another term for my bathroom."
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