Piers Morgan Complains about Victoria Beckham's Butt-Plug Models

What I always liked about Piers Morgan was his cheeky wit.

On average, you could count on being amused by it about 2% of the time.

He does a fairly good job of pronouncing his remarks as if he's Oscar Wilde offering acid drops, but most of the time they just hang in the air like bits of chicken feather, then limply disappear onto the floor.

A worse problem for the guy once known as "the mean judge," is that he rarely says or writes anything memorably nasty or creative. It's more like, "that was terrible," or "you are the worst performer I've ever seen." Hardly quotable.

However I did like this rough draft about Victoria Beckham's fashion show models:

"We all remember Victoria, who was once called Skeletal Spice. Also Rancid Spice. Also Smelly Spice. Also Nauseating Spice. She was the one with the least amount of talent, and when you have less singing talent than Mel B., you are practically a giraffe's neck. A giraffe, you'll note, is mute. A giraffe's neck is also one skinny long and useless thing.

"Now that she's washed-up she can only find refuge in the world of high fashion, where bathing was never a priority. This is where extremely ugly people try to camouflage themselves with even uglier clothing.

"Beckham's models are even thinner than the Labour Party talent pool. These walking ribs, with some kind of feminine odor coming from somewhere or other, are alarming everyone who sees them on a runway. They look like runaways from the Bulimia Clinic. Which is appropriate since Beckham's clothes look like something someone threw up on.

"I understand why Victoria is so partial to extremely skinny girls. She uses them as butt plugs, and shoves a different one each night up her husband's football-widened posterior opening. Yes, a different one each night, because once used that way, it takes a girl at least a week to recover. Even then, she's likely to be covered in feces too toxic to be fully removed without the use of alcohol and/or blowtorch."

Ha ha. I keed, I keed. Somewhere along the paragraphs, you realized that this couldn't possibly be Piers Morgan's writing.

I wrote, "I did like this rough draft about Victoria Beckham's fashion show models," because I wrote it. I've actually read several of Morgan's books, and parts of them were very amusing. But I think if he'd asked me, and I ghosted them, they wouldn't be in charity shops, unsold for sixpence. No, they wouldn't have been published at all. And is that such a bad thing?