"I know you all want to know which cemeteries I visit, which D-lister I've stood next to for 20 seconds and paid $20 for a photo op, and even want to see copies of my bills and snapshots of idiots I know! So here's my latest breathtaking bit of news.
"It's BASEBALL SEASON! Did you know it happens every year around this time? Be like me. Come in from your obscure cheap and boring mausoleum in Weehawken and visit Yankee Stadium! They've got "Monument Park" which actually looks like tombstones!
"Monument Park is a dopey section of plaques and statues located so far away they couldn't put bleacher seats in and expect anyone to pay anything. It's out where the visiting team's pitchers are allowed to "warm up" if one of them has to come in and take over. Before games, lucky fans can try and arrange to shuffle in and gawk at these monuments.
"I got a chance to squint, gurgle, and soil my adult diaper next to the one for LOU CHERIG. Gosh, he wasn't even 40 when he died of a mysterious motor-neuron thingy, which they named after him. One day he was playing baseball, not missing a single game in maybe ten years or something like that, and one day he felt too sick to play. And he never played again. And in no time at all, he was dead!
"The BIG thing as far as I am concerned is they made a MOVIE about him! A real MOVIE! It starred GARY COOPER! If only Gary was alive so I could stand next to him and grimace and have him sign something. I think I stood at his grave, if only I could find it among the 7,000 pictures I've uploaded to the Internet.
"You know what? ALS strikes all kinds of people. It killed robust Yankees from old-timers like "Iron Horse" Gherig, to more recent superstars like "Catfish" Hunter. It's shot down musicians, even amateurs who played in local bands, like some guy called Redmars. ALS can even make the last years of an old comedian miserable, like that Ronnie Corbett guy in England.
"I never got a picture with Ronnie Corbett, but how about Ronee Blakely! And don't ask "WHO?" It's Ronee Blakely!!
"Ronnie Barker? Never heard of her.
"Yes, Gherig, Hunter, Redmars, Corbett, they get motor neuron diseases and literally are paralyzed. But guys like ME waddle on and on, tossing away money, enjoying a dull life and a pension. I figure everybody wants to see pictures of me at a birthday party wearing a hilarious "Over the Hill" floppy hat. Everybody wants to see photos of what they served for lunch at the hotel near the cemetery where Rod Serling is buried. And I loved posing with an ice cream bar I bought or standing next to a mail box. How exciting!
"God knows, blank-faced potatoes like me serve a purpose, consuming stuff and wasting money.
"Speaking of wasting money, why not be like me, and go get your picture taken next to a plaque of Lou Gherig, who you never saw play baseball? It'll impress your toad-like gollywog-eyed friends!
"Just trudge your droopy fat butt over to non-historic Yankee Stadium. I have to admit, Yankee Stadium ISN'T Yankee Stadium. It may say so, but "The House that Ruth Built" in 1923, and which was renovated in the 70's, was DESTROYED a few years ago.
"The investment weasels who own the team decided there weren't enough parking spaces to entice chauffered limousines and big-spenders. There also weren't enough exclusive air-conditioned "suites" for season ticket owning CEO's and the clients they want to impress. (Who wants to go to a baseball game on a hot sweaty humid day in NYC to watch the actual game, when it's more impressive to get bombed in an air conditioned box seat, and then afterward go back to the hotel and wait for the Craigslist hooker?)
"As the real Yankee Stadium was being torn down (bits of it sold to goofs like me, who'd want a souvenir seat in our basement, or an authentic klieg light) the replica went up a few blocks away.
"This means that if you come to a game thinking you'll sit in a seat that your grandfather was in, forget it. If you think you're looking out at the same field where Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle once played, nope. You are not. But the real fun is that you can buy souvenirs, and eat hamburgers and drink beer! If you bring along a brat (and who wouldn't pay $150 to treat a little pest to a game), the kid might be able to get near the players' entrance before or after the game and squeak and squeal for an AUTOGRAPH on a baseball card or something. Players do like to encourage little kids to become lifelong fans, and will sign something for a 10 year-old. Heh heh, and the 10 year-old turns out to be the son of a professional dealer who puts the item on eBay! Anyhoo...
"$200 to $300 gets you a seat sort of near the field. Tickets you'd think are kind of mediocre, run $100 to $150. To sit far away in the bleachers, or in the furthest upper deck? $20 to $40 (not including transportation or food, of course) but what the hell, you'll be surrounded by loud low-class assholes who you can get drunk with!
Take a look. The areas with the white bars? $20 for the bleachers, to sit on BENCHES with NO BACK SUPPORT, packed in, getting sunstroke on a hot day. $40 gets you one of the seats way, way up in the sky and in the back. The sections in red, which aren't TOO close to the action, can set you back $100 or $150. But that's the sheep mentality: cram together and watch the action on a screen because the stage or the field is too far away. Hypnotize yourself into thinking "being there" is the real FUN.
"Yes, if somebody hits the ball into left field, and you're in the bleachers, you MIGHT not see where it went. There's "obstructed view" seating in the stadium and you can pay a pretty outrageous price to NOT see anything. Psst, rent a wheelchair. Some pretty nice seats are for wheelchair access only! You won't be crammed in a row with a bunch of jerks. You'll be on the aisle. And your view won't be obstructed. Just don't be a dummy and get excited and stand up when somebody hits a home run!"
"Me, well, when you've got a pension and work in some dull job that pays a big union salary, you can afford to spend $150 or $250 on a seat, as well as $15 for a beer and $20 for a fatty sandwich/
"Heck, fat stupid idiot plumbers and garbage men and librarians like me are the ones most likely to afford a memorabilia show and pay $150 for William Shatner to sign a photo. Or pay $90 to have the fat guy who once played Robin on the "Batman" TV show stand next to you for a photo op. (You need a wide angle lens if you're even fatter than he is!)
"Well, that's about it for now. My other exciting moment recently? Shauna let me lick her freshly shaved twat! Not the lips or, God forbid, the inner pink. Just, one lick on each side where she strops the razor, and a few slobbers along the mound. I could taste the aftershave she put on. Hee hee. It made me VERY DRUNK!
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