Grimsby Concert Kills DAVID GEST - waxy-faced pest overdoses

Here's a front page from the GRIMSBY TELL A LAPH, (forgive their illiteracy in not being able to spell LAUGH...they blame it on the owner being Welsh, but we know better).

The article, hyping a proposed concert he was going to host in Grimsby, reads as follows:

We can hardly believe our luck! In addition to a Comic Con event featuring the stunt woman who doubled Sharon Stone's twat in "Basic Instinct," Grimsby is being treated to a "soul" show featuring the fabulous celebrity David Gest as mc. MC, of course, is "Master Cocksucker." But being versatle, David took time off from blowing guys to briefly marry Liza Minnelli and give her herpes.

He parlayed the marriage into a name-dropping career. He claimed to be a lifelong friend of Whitney Houston. When Whitney heard this, she decided to end her life. She drowned in a bathtub telling Clive Davis, "I can't live in a world where I might see David Gest's horrific, waxy face."

Here at the Tell-a-Laph, we always disguise what is essentially a huge free ad, as an actual news article. Whether it's a tatty, dodgy diner holding an eating contest, or some racist little weasel paying chump change to washed up soul singers, or a crooked "fortune teller" in need of new suckers, we always promote anything that could possibly make some money for our dilapidated, crime-ridden, chav-filled little town of losers, corrupt politicians and obese cunts.

We sent the late Emma Mathias to chat up David, and hear more about his show, "David Gest Is Not Dead But Alive With Soul." As usual, she arrived late. Nobody at the Tell-a-Laph can tell time. We're lucky they even know where our office is, as we keep moving to cheaper, smaller little rat nests.

David, looking quite dead, wore his customary black garb. The personable bloke shrugged off a cuppa, which Emma had put on his shoulder for a joke, and said, "Let me start drooling about how much I love Grimsby. I don't have much time. I'm having my hemorrhoids polished in an hour. They're going to be shining, ruby red! It attracts those buck niggers with the big dicks. Boy, I wouldn't mind being fucked to death by a giant nigger!"

Emma asked David Gest why he's adopted England.

"Well, I'm a bastard, I have to be adopted by somebody or someplace! I sure as fuck can't go back to L.A., not after I humiliated Liza Minnelli and told all those lies about knowing Whitney Houston. Oh, and Michael Jackson was so angry with me for stealing one of his boys for the night.I will die here, and want to be buried in York. Actually, I want to be buried in nigger spuz. Coagulated semen. Grimsby have a lot of niggers? If so, I'll change my plan and be buried here. But really, so many D-list magic acts, singers and comic-con morons have died on stage in Grimsby, I'd rather die someplace a bit more unexpected. Like in a woman's vagina! Ha ha! JUST KIDDING! Jesty-Gesty!"

David, who was fairly easy to understand despite the Anonymous mask over his face, told Emma, "I love Grimsby. Everyone is friendly and you watch all the cars coming into the dock, seeing them parked for what seems miles. That's my idea of fun. Sometimes I dress in drag and mince around as Queenie, the Dockers Delight.

"I haven't tried the fish and chips here yet. Now you mention it, I could just eat some of those fish and chips, now! I'm a shameless promoter. If you're proud of your fish and chips, I'll eat some. If you're proud of dog shit on Patrick Street, I'll eat that, too! How fresh is the piss on Freshney Place? I hear you've got drunks who really know how to stream it!"

David's planned summer show will feature the fabulous fag cracking his whip while his trained niggers take the stage, singing one or two songs each. Artists include Dina Carroll, Russell Thompkins Jr, Deniece Williams, Billy Paul, Peabo Bryson, The Tymes, Freda Payne, Melba Moore, Anita Ward, Fern Kinney and Rose Royce, featuring Gwen Dickey. Just why a white guy with no soul is paying himself a fortune and cheating blacks, we don't know, but we do know tickets are on sale and the show will be at the Grimsby Auditorium.

"I really got into soul when I was 19 years old, or rather, soul got into me. I became the bitch to this nigger with a footlong schlong. It was unbelievable. It was around that time that I learned how to get my shit together, because it was pouring all over the floor. Still, a widened asshole is a small price to pay for gradually being used by all the soul stars. Little did they know I was secretly recording them. That put the BLACK in blackmail, and started my career. Face it, who'd hire an obnoxious faggot like me, unless they were being blackmailed?

"I got very pushy. I insisted on getting to know all the black stars. I wanted so desperately to see Ray Charles. No matter how much I tried, he never did see me."

For those that are wondering after his health, the star says that he is "perfectly fine" after having to leave the Celebrity Big Brother House early. People were wondering if the prick was going to drop dead, but he insisted that he was simply overcome by the fumes from Angie Bowie's twat.

"I had a fever from pretending to be such a hot shot, episode after episode. I also had a very bad cough from some phlegm and smegma stuck in my throat.

"People complain that I'm such a flamboyant fag. They think it's disgusting that someone as ugly as I am has to make kissy-faces and hug other men and make a big deal out of being gay. But listen, homosexuals are tasteful. We believe the asshole is adorable. We think everyone should dress like a a garish melted mess of Skittles.

"I know that heterosexuals are repulsed by straight couples who smooch in public, and girls who do duckface, and idiots who can't walk down the street without blocking everybody as they sway and hug and giggle. But when gays do that stuff, it's ADORABLE isn't it? And if it isn't, fuck off, it's called gay lib! So what if I was repulsing everybody watching the show? Hugging guys and all that...well, it pays to advertise! I want everyone to know I'm here and I'm queer. I'm also make lusting disgusting!

The fun was flirting with guys in the Big Brother house. The misery was sniffing Angie Bowie. Female aromas make me very nauseous. I actually passed out. That's when I heard Angie crying "David is dead, David is dead." I knew I wasn't dead. I wasn't in heaven. If I was in heaven, David Bowie would be fucking my face."

David Gest spent three weeks recuperating from the smell of Angie Bowie's twat, but claims, "I am totally fine now. Don't expect me to drop dead in a few weeks. Not unless ticket sales are slow. In that case, I might KILL MYSELF. Seriously, when you've stooped to the Big Brother reality show, and then doing a gig in Grimsby, you might as well be dead."

Tickets are on sale now for the show on July 3, and if you're insane, you can call 0300 300 0035, and throw away between £30 and £69 or, if you're certifiable, you can get a VIP ticket for £99. This includes a meet and greet with David's scrotum, which we hear resembles a Twining's lemon tea bag.

Yes, that was the article.

So full of hope. So full of shit.

So what happened? David Gest was found at the Four Seasons Hotel, where he was attempting to blow Frankie Valli. He said he'd settle for Bob Gaudio. He seemed to go into a rage when told that those guys weren't even in the place.

Gest had suffered a minor heart attack earlier, when he was given the latest sales reports on his Grimsby Auditorium gig.

The London Daily Fail, an even more moronic newspaper than the Grimsby Tell-a-Laph, insists that Gest killed himself, despondent over his poor sales, and suffering post traumatic distress disorder at having been in Grimsby for an interview.

"David Gest's bank account had AMPLE ASSETS," the Fail reported, "but money isn't everything. The man was suffering greatly, from the stress of doing interviews in Grimsby, and spending more time before the show explaining to his singers why they were getting so little money. Ultimately, David was also in misery because his extensive plastic surgery had tightened his mouth and made giving blowjobs difficult."

The staff of the Tell-a-Laph refutes this: "We know nothing about this being a suicide. We did read something by a woman named Cilla, who left a comment about suicide rumors, but we removed the comment. After all, it was not complimentary to David or our fine city. We do NOT believe in freedom of speech here. We do believe in Freedom of the Press to publish a puff piece that seems more like a shameless ad than journalism."

If Gest took pills to commit suicide, an autopsy should reveal it, although Gest's plastic surgeries were so extensive, the coroner might not be able to cut into the body without using a saw that penetrates rubber.

The official police statement:

"London Ambulance Service were called to the scene. Life was pronounced extinct at the hotel."

Hell, they couldn't even find a lively bellboy.

But later, the manager confirmed that the bellboys were all in hiding, afraid of being propositioned by the guest called David.

Asked to comment on the ironic title of the proposed show in Grimsby, "David Gest Is Not Dead But Alive With Soul,"Operations manager at the Auditorium, Claire Williams, said: "We are very sad to hear of his passing. We aren't sure of a substitute that will be as entertaining. If we can get him out of jail, Jonathan West has offered to do his Eminem impression, shouting and gesticulating, while A.D. Savage bangs on soup plates with a pair of chicken bones. We also have politicians who can talk about huge improvements to the docks, new bridges, a maritime museum and historic ships people can board and explore, and other jokes. Our politicians are very good for a laugh, and talking about allocating millions of pounds to improve Grimsby is hilarious."

Williams adds, "We will contact those who have already purchased tickets. That's at least two people that I know of, Bill Hoobastank and his wife. Bill was hoping to get a photo of himself with David Gest. He just wired me, to ask where Gest will be buried, as he wants to at least get a photo of the tombstone."

So far there's no word on where exactly Gest will be buried, but his tombstone will offer the date he was hatched, and the date he died, and an appropriate phrase.

The tombstone will either read, "I knew Whitney Houston," "Liza Minnelli gave me herpes," or "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here."