SHAUNA THE BLONDE VAMPIRE LAYER

"Gurgle, gurgle, plop, plop...it's Bill Hoobastank! I'm back with wonderful news.

"I'm going on Kickstarter to ask for ten million dollars so we can begin filming OUR version of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It'll be a musical starring the amazing SHAUNA CUNTWELL as "Shauna The Blonde Vampire Layer."

"She plays a vampire girl with long ghostly fingers, a white face, huge eyes and a flat chest. Wen she sings Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande covers, the guyyyssss start masturbating.

"Shauna takes over with her long fingers, but then she bites their erect cocks and drains all their blood! She must keep on killing because the blood always leaks out her twat, no matter how many tampons, pads, or even adult diapers she uses!

"The police alert everyone that the girl in the shroud, "Shauna The Blonde Vampire Layer" is on the loose. They caution the guyyysss that they may think they'll lay her, but she'll trick them every time. Shauna is still a virgin, certified by her Irish parents, Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead Cuntwell, and their family doctor Hyman Tuff.

"Shauna has been carefully shaving her twat so she can wear cute little thongs in the film, and she's been filing two of her teeth to create realistic fangs. She also uses candy Necco wafers as contact lenses, to keep her eyes nice and wide.

"We're offering lovely Kickstarter incentives. For 500 pounds, you get a nude photo of Amy Wagstaff-Wetone, who weighs 500 pounds. For 750 pounds, you get a nude photo of ME.

"For a thousand pounds, you get a little plastic cup containing some shaving cream and actual bits of Shauna's oh-so-light-yellow pubic hair. For ten thousand pounds, you'll get a genital wart she accidentally sheared off one of her labia. I think she got it off a toilet seat in Grimsby! For one hundred thousand pounds, you get to pose with her stark naked! For five hundred thousand pounds, you get to pose with her and she's stark naked, too.

"Ooops! I see I've got to change my nappy. All I can add is that I think this movie will almost be as brilliant as "2001: A Space Odyssey." Or maybe an episode of "Lost in Space" with Billy Mumy! Or maybe a home movie of me "Lost in New Jersey Without a Change of Underwear!"