Britain's Got Tail Lint

My "guilty pleasure" is no longer much of a pleasure.

Not that I was ever feeling that "guilty" about it, which of course always adds to pleasure.

No, the "GOT TALENT" shows were, to some of my friends, the "What the FUCK are YOU watching" shows. Same way I doubted their intelligence or sanity when they gleefully explained it was time to watch "Game of Thrones" or "Dancing with the Stars" or "CSI Miami" or "Judge Judy."

The difference is that THOSE shows ARE garbage. The "GOT TALENT" shows have legitimate entertainment value. Talent shows are a time-honored tradition, along with beauty contests. It's just that...it's rare when you see anything you haven't seen before.

We've seen the "ugly duckling become a swan," the old bag dancing like a 30 year-old, the well-practiced magic act, and the advanced "chick with trained dog" bit. We've also had hearty laughs over the off-key singer and the drag queen fool. The problem isn't helped by the Got Talent formula of bringing these idiots out the same way, running "human interest" pieces on the most likely winners, and having obnoxious and predictable judges hog most of the time with their witless opinions and phony enthusiasm.

It doesn't help that at this point, you'll hardly see much of the performer thanks to all the "reaction" shots of people in the audience, the judges and the mugging of Ant & Dec.

So this year, I downloaded almost all of BGT (I missed a few and didn't care) and didn't even bother to watch them till now...months after the winner was announced.

I never watched these fucking shows as they were being broadcast. The suspense of having a favorite drop out wasn't fun, and the disappointment of an asshole winning instead of someone worthy, was too great. Stockpiling them, I had the option of peeking at the ending any time, or at least binge-watching and not having to wait another week to see what my "favorite" would do next. Like, be eliminated.

How BAD are these shows now? For one thing, there isn't even an Australia's Got Talent anymore. There are 63 wretched versions of the show around the world, and the marsupials can't pocket big money to put on the show? Either they're smart or discerning or really, really inept.

Speaking of inept:

Yeah, this idiot made the "highlight reel" among the eccentrics who auditioned. He even got past the first round.

It was a moron in a mask doing some Dalek thing. He sang badly, but it was viewed as "camp." He was a momentary Believe it Or Not freak show deal. After all, evoke the immortal British fetish for "Dr. Who," and the crowd whoops.

He was one of a handful who seemed to work all year (if not all their lives) creating some marionette, some costume, some little trick, to get those 15 seconds of fame. But usually, it was an unintentionally laughable 15 seconds ending with a predictable smirk from Simon followed by "That was the WORST thing I've EVER seen..."

Which, in years past, was somewhat amusing. Not any more.

Usually the first six "audition episodes" have some laughs, as inept fools get insulted and ordered off the stage. This, by three judges with absolutely no qualifications to tell anybody anything. (I leave out Cowell because he does know a lack of talent, even if he's cynically aware of how to put together an awful boy band).

What has made the auditions excruciating is that it's now ALL about the judges and their reaction shots and opinion, and too much is predictable: the 70 year-old eccentrics, off-key morons and busker-jackasses...and worse, the usual singers and dancers. And since "politically correct" means getting rid of the sluts in bikinis on stripper poles and the raunchy 50-something broads with tassels on their tits and Union Jacks over their twats, and any singer in a low-cut blouse...we're left with the same old same old. Like...

Like there are always choirs of well-scrubbed school girls singing pseudo-hymns in Gaelic while holding candles they otherwise use for sexual pleasure.

I kept fast-forwarding through the "I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE" acrobats, the girl with her idiotic trained dog pawing the air desperately wanting the treat hidden in her hand, the very ugly ethnic little kids, the obnoxious "OH HAPPY DAY" black gospel choirs (England falls for this shit?), and the paedophile-pandering collection of little boys doing their horrible Billy Elliott improvised pseudo-ballet moves and little girls singing and/or dancing in skimpy outfits.

There were way too many Nigga street creeps doing their obnoxious, jittery dance moves, including the always annoying "I am a robot" crap. It seemed the MORE Biggas on stage at one time, the better, as there were quite a few "acts" that just looked like an Aerobics workout in Harlem, or a cattle call for monkeys to do silly-looking semi-pornographic gyrations in back of Madonna.

There were plenty of garish gymnast troupes filling the stage with "no, look at ME" antics. You couldn't keep track of who was flying through the air, and who was doing somersets on solid ground. Fuck off. Also annoying and a cliche now, the "dance" groups using back projection and shadows to create three-dimensional movie cartoons that always had something to do with a plea for world peace or something oh-so-symbolic (the birth of a new baby! the world is saved!)

There were the foreigners with the excuse "Ees da beeegist talent shhhOW, so I come to tryyyyy." Isn't it BRITAIN'S got talent, not BRITAIN's got immigrants and craven cheaters and ringers coming in?

There were the predictably intolerable cruise ship singers and the "I'm here and I'm queer" fat gays and dykes, and all of that campy shit was made even more unbearable by the constant "I'm really a fag myself" innuendo from big stupid David Walliams...when he wasn't flirting with Simon AD NAUSEUM. It's the stalest joke on British television now.

As for the two chicks seated between Simon and his mock-lover David, they could turn Hugh Hefner queer. The titless wonders, Alesha and Amanda, both were bright-eyed and sympathetic to any bad, nervous twat trying to sing a song from "Annie." Alesha of course was brought to tears by any dark-skinned girl singing badly. Their other function was to pretend "I've NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS" over most any magic act, muscle act, or "hunky" guy shooting arrows into balloons. Alesha, I assume, is some crappy variation on Rihanna or Beyonce, but I'm still not sure WHAT this Amanda Holden bitch ever did to become famous, let alone a judge. Or didn't she let alone Simon when he was having auditions?

Once in a while there was an unrehearsed moment of momentary interest…like the acrobats who fell over and then did their bit over again to a roar of applause. This, by the way, was wrecked by several judges emphasizing, "The important thing was you continued!" and "The crowd will LOVE you even more." No, how about "do it right or you really ARE a fucking amateur?"

Usually there are many "human interest" moments that can raise a smile or a tear. Some cunt who overcomes her stage fright, some strange old bag who can still dance or sing, or maybe some odd Tommy Cooper-type will get my rooting attention. This year? NOBODY.

The closest to a "favorite" that I saw was "The Garnett Family," three sisters and a mother. Yes, they could actually harmonize. But that wasn't why I momentarily stopped fast-forwarding.

They failed to make the finals (or was it semi-finals even) after a rousing version of "Natural Woman," which Simon called a brave choice, since it's SO identified with soul legend Aretha Franklin.

It is? Wasn't it on a huge best-selling album by its co-writer Carole King?

PS, when is ANYONE going to give credit to Jewish MAN Jerry Goffin for writing the lyrics? Those lyrics were NOT written by a cunt owner. Some of us can be quite sensitive about what stupid stinking twats care about, when they aren't babbling inanities, stopping us to go into perfume stores, annoying us about trivia, whining about being hungry or thirsty, making us stand around while they take their 70 bathroom breaks a day, etc. etc.

But if they look fuckable, or present an interesting fantasy, like the Garnett bints...well, that moves from disgust to amusement. Or rather, to amusement over how disgusting it could be with them. Too bad there weren't many moments like this, where you could use your imagination to make a mediocre act a BIT more interesting.

Another thing about this stupid show, is that you're supposed to get a vicarious thrill by identifying with a particular act. As in: "That could be ME!"

You're supposed to find common ground with a particular singer your age and color, or maybe even imagine you and a friend or significant other are like a duo on stage.

Like, if you're a part of an over 50 couple, you might cheer on the cadaverous duo that did "interpretive dance?" Not when they left out the DANCE part of it! Yes, they paraded around pretentiously swinging their ARMS, but didn't do any great leaps or spins to tax their arthritic legs. The judges thought they were a lovely example of an aging duo in love.

She wasn't too bad.

Meanwhile, I totally ignored something called "Britain's Got MORE Talent," as I always do. This is some kind of filler show, with updates, cheeky-fag gossip and gushing, and unendurable effeminacy.

Aren't "hosts" supposed to be pleasant, stylish, witty, decent looking, and NOT effeminate pests?

Sadly, I was fast-forwarding even faster when it got down to the very boring finalists. NONE of them had talent. At best, they were adequate...if you were on a cruise ship.

Even then, I would NEVER have wanted to see the precocious little twat with the ugly face and mediocre dancing.

There was a gruesome Guyanese or Pakistani girl who was an ordinary singer but smiled a lot, and The White Masters fell in love with her. Talk about reverse racism.

From a distance she wasn't too nauseating, but even for a cliche-driven show like BGT, the production was extremely corny and thick.

At least she was humble, not like the traditional stage-smitten brat-belter who thinks the world needs a pint-sized Ethel Merman. This, when most normal people have never even HEARD of Ethel Merman.

Mary Mother of Christ, if you were the mother if THIS pudgy monster, you would've cursed God.

Ultimately, the show's fascination was:

"Oh, what HORRIBLE TALENTLESS SWINE will win this?"

You watch to root AGAINST the worst of the lot.

For me, that was the cringeworthy mother-and-son singing team. YES, can you imagine? Ala Sonny and Cher or Steve and Eydie, a MOTHER sang with her teenage son. What an Oedipus Wreck.

Simon's "Golden Buzzer" act actually finished in the Top 3. God only knows why. It was a set of faggots in Darth Vadar costumes. Oh, yeah, let's combine two weary novelties: breakdancing and aerobic effeminate hip shaking AND references to a fucking pop culture phenomenon that we're ALL sick of.

There were two acts I vehemently was rooting against. Which isn't quite the same thing as watching a show because it's got TALENT. Runner up for most irritating act was a teenage "impressionist" who did the same fucking impressions every time...while wearing a fucking baseball cap backwards.

With grand sincerity, David Walliams, who should know better, declared he'd NEVER heard an impressionist who SINGS. How difficult is it to imitate famous voices singing? Well, considering that Kermit the Frog sang "It's Not Easy Being Green," and Shrek and Miss Piggy and most every fucking cartoon voice can sing...HOW TOUGH IS IT?

It's also pretty damn easy to talk-sing as Rex Harrison proved. It's also a bit easy when you have GIANT PICTURES to clue the audience into who you're doing.

EVERY fucking time this kid was on stage, he did the same damn thing. The only difference was his choice of God-awful song. And, yes, he wowed the crowd by doing different stanzas of an ADELE song (Hello) as Miss Piggy, and...

Wait a minute, isn't ADELE already MISS PIGGY?

This irritating monster was soon quite full of himself, lapping up all the compliments.

Lovely look...a suit and a fucking BASEBALL CAP backwards.

He wasn't the worst of the ugly inbred teenage pests in the Top 10. That would be the arrogant SINATRA imitator.

Reaching for the airsick bag?

Thankfully, the Michael Jackson imitators and Elvis impersonators have generally disappeared, but there continues to be jackasses who think it's cool to be SINATRA.

We're supposed to continue to love this RETRO ring-a-ding shit? Go buy a Sinatra album. DON'T IMITATE THE BASTARD.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, being an imitation of anything is usually NOT TALENT. It's pretty easy to follow Sinatra's style if you have any kind of voice, just as it's easy for any street Nigga to moonwalk once Jackson showed the way. Christ, even Dick Cavett can moonwalk, and he's insufferably done it way too often when he's been invited to be a talk show guest (which, because of the moonwalk, is no longer often). Some years ago "America's Got Talent" was won by a black guy with dreadlocks doing a perfect Sinatra. The novelty was that he looked like he'd be a rapper. The other novelty was that he was a soft spoken and humble guy from a small town, and very likable. In fact I later met the guy and ended up chatting with him even though I thought it ridiculous he won the show.

So...who won THIS YEAR'S BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT???

It was....a pretty unoriginal magician. He did the usual "fold the card up and tear it to bits and then it's back together again" bit, and some other feeble TRICKS.

Pandering with no shame, for the finals, he came out in his MILITARY UNIFORM, to kind of let people know that he, a tall handsome white Christian, could be blown up or beheaded at any moment by a Muslim.

To pander even more, after his extremely poor "trick" of flipping cards and telling a story, he introduced Fergus Anckorn, age 97, who he said was his inspiration.

Oh, well, GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS.

The Sinatra ug finished second.

I finished the MKV files and trashed them.

I do have some memories of past performances...many years ago now...including Jane Cutler the old, old bag who sang "No Regrets" in a quavery voice like a trained parrot. I still can't believe ugly and mental hairy-eyebrowed Susan Boyle lost to a now-forgotten group of breakdancing Niggas. I still sort of like the ORIGINAL girl and dog act (and I don't think of how she probably got it doggie style). But it's been a long time since ANY act on the show amused me.

And getting The Garnett Family in the sack was a passing fantasy. I sure as hell haven't cut and kept their version of "Natural Woman."