Dr. Ian Rothwell eats Dead Dog Curry

"I'm just an ordinary bloke," admits Dr. Ian Rothwell. "What sets ME apart is that I can eat the hottest curry on the planet, splashed over roasted dead chihuahua!"

Why chihuahua? "Oh, it's just my tribute to the spics. You know, the wogs invented curry, but let's not forget that the spics invented tabasco sauce AND recreational dog murder. Also cock fighting and bull fighting! The English are just too mild by comparison."

"Did I mention the darkies?" asks Dr. Ian Rothwell. "That black-faced crew deserve credit, too. They're mostly cannibals, you know. Africa is full of cannibals. Some of the spiciest shit in the world is Ethiopian cuisine. I mean, them niggers spice and salt the fish as soon as they catch it, just so it won't spoil completely by the time they get it back to their tents."

The doctor knows, "Eating fish is bad enough, but eating sweaty niggers? No wonder cannibals have to grow a lot of nasty spices! It's not easy eating a human, and I should know. Going down on my wife makes me throw up. Maybe it would be easier if she was dead? When she dies, I'll have to see! Maybe add tabasco to her twat! Jesus, last time I went down on her, I bent my front teeth. They're almost triangular now!"

The London Daily Mail profiled him as part of their "Disgusting news series," which includes photos of the "ample assets" of huge-assed rap singers, and "caution, graphic pictures" of victims of fundamentalist Muslim acid attacks and beheadings. They sent a crew of reporters to an American curry house to test various strengths of spices, as well as rotten used feminine napkins and tampons steeped in hot water and made into tea.

"White people need to do SOMETHING to be daring," says Dr. Ian Rothwell, "so, EATING is about it. The American icon, Joey Chestnut, has eaten over 70 hot dogs in under 10 minutes, I think. I wouldn't want to do his laundry, but he is a God! And me, I prefer to eat a smaller amount of food, but much more lethal. I had hallucinations while I had my curry. I imagined I was a responsible medical professional! Can you imagine that fantasy?"

The White Man's Burden is to pretend to find sport in eating the filth that spics and wogs HAVE to eat. Spics and wogs developed deadly spices because they are poor and can only scrape up dead dogs, mice, roaches and baby turds. In the Orient, some of the lesser gooks, living on the island of Lesser Gook, developed hot mustard to disguise the fact that they must eat squid and monkey brains.

"I take pride that me, a pork-faced tiny-dicked White Herbert, can eat food that would drive a Whirling Dervish into sticking his face in an electric fan."

Dr. Ian Rothwell admits that his favorite dessert is "Yellow Matter Custard Dripping From a Dead Dog's Eye. Yes, I call attention to myself with red hot desserts too. This goes beyond "red hot" cinnamon treats or even sticking beastly chili spices into chocolate."

"IF I'M BEING HONEST," says noted Chef Gored Up Rams Ear, "This shit isn't food at all. You'll recall a quote from Sherlock Holmes: "Curry? Oh yes, filthy stuff." And he was right. But these days, food is recreation. We eat for fun. We eat for a dare. We eat to impress each other, and nothing is quite so daring as eating something outrageously disgusting, hot and vile."

Another important fact Gored Up admits, is "Meat is not only murder, it's basically boring. It's tasteless. It's some animal's face or butt or innards. Face it, if a hamburger was so great, it wouldn't have to be smothered in ketchup or decorated with cheese. If a hot dog wasn't gristle and as close to already-digested shit as you can get within legal limits, people wouldn't put onions or mustard on it. Even a steak, a juicy steak that everyone raves about as the ultimate in fine dining, requires STEAK SAUCE and MUSHROOMS."

"Whenever the kiddies bring me something that got run over," Dr. Ian Rothwell laughs, "I let them know that I can't possibly nurse it back to health. Hell, even if I can, I'd rather eat it! A dog or cat that has been run over by a car is tenderized meat! Just add CURRY! Let's face it, I'll NEVER get my face in the paper for curing anyone or saving a life. But for eating the equivalent of sulfuric acid? I'm famous, do you hear? Famous! There's thousands of people standing around waiting for my autograph. Right? They're hallucinations??"

According to normal doctors, not Dr. Rothwell, the main reason for hot spicy food, other than to camouflage that bad taste of rotten meat,is that it offers relief for those living in repulsively hot climates. People in India or Mexico, two of the most hideous places on Earth, somehow escape the heat by having a hot and spicy diet. "Yes, it's a biological fact that people in the hottest countries actually drink hot drinks and eat spicy foods," Dr. Rothwell admits. "The scientific reason for this? I couldn't explain it to you, because first of all, I'm not much of a doctor, and second, I have to go to the loo. I've farted and set fire to my underpants!"