Bill: "Monkey Semen is Fattening!"

Not since DeNiro and "Raging Bull" has an actor willingly gained so much weight for a movie.

"Monkey semen is fattening," gurgles Bill Hoobastank. "I just like to blow monkeys, especially if they look like one of the simians in 2001. I record my whole dull life, you know, with my digital camera AND my camcorder."

To Bill's delight, Pleasuredome Productions is hoping to market an edited (only 12 hours) movie of his various monkey blowjobs.

According to director Robin Virgin, "Whether all 2001 blowjobs will be featured, I'm not sure. It depends on the editing. Also, sometimes Bill took monkey dick up his ass, and while his anus can suck a dick, it's technically not a blowjob."

When asked how he thinks he can get away with using Stanley Kubrick's name, Robin said, "Oh, that's a kerfuffle. He's dead. When you're dead you have no rights. Come to think of it, when you're alive you don't have any rights either. I'll just add a disclaimer saying that I'm entitled to do anything I want. It's freedom of speech."

Does he really think he'll do well with a movie in which a fat stupid-faced New Jersey nerd sucks monkey dick for twelve hours?

"It will not chart! This film is a labour of love! The important thing is to have something to do. I don't have much to do beyond digitizing obscure records, taking my dog for walkies, and sitting on my fat ass all weekend hoping to catch an eel. So working on compiling all the best cumshots will be such a thrill for me. I'm very glad all Bill does is swallow and gurgle, because there's no way I could do subtitles and spell anything right!"

Robin admits his brain cells are eroding: "I bought a June Christy single, and on my blog I wrote that it was by JULIE Christy. Tee hee. I would never have known but a kindly person left me a nice comment. He also offered to send one of the eels I caught to a taxidermist, so I could use it as a dildo."

Robin and Bill have a lot of disposable income, so they didn't need to go on Kickstarter. "Hopefully the movie will be ready so that Bill can have his own table at the next Chiller memorabilia show, and charge people $20 to take a photo with him. Or, $40 to NOT take a photo and get by the table without him waving his sweaty armpits or blowing his bad breath at them."

Robin hopes to arrange a screening at The Bristol Lunatic Fringe. They seem to be willing to host most any ridiculous event. "Of course I'll charge admission. This is MY copyrighted film and MY hard work. I expect to be paid. Well, if people don't want to hand me a fiverrrrr, they can just shove a eight incherrrr up my ass. To paraphrase Frank Zappa (whose singles did not chart), it has to be eight inches or MORE.

"My asshole is simply too fat and worn out to feel anything smaller than eight inches going in. I used to keep a 45 rpm spindle up my ass, so it would always be handy when I switch from albums to singles. I once asked a friend, "Where should I keep my 45 rpm spindle," and he said, "Oh, shove it up your ass." Such a thoughtful fellow! But over the years, my asshole has widened. The 45 rpm spindle keeps falling out of my ass, out of my underwear, and it rolls along the floor till Muffin the dog chases after it and swallows it! So now, I keep the 45rpm spindle up Muffin's ass!"

At this point, Robin began to get too disgusting to quote.