BILL & SHAUNA'S EXCELLENT NEW DOCUMENTARY

"It's disgusting." Mick Jagger.

"I want to forget what I saw." Keith Richards.

"Har har har!" Ronnie Wood

"No comment." Charlie Watts

"I'm in another land." Bill Wyman

WHAT HAS GOTTEN STONES PAST AND PRESENT SO HEATED UP?? WHY, IT'S....

Translated from the gurgles, Bill Hoobastank chortles:

"I've almost finished the rough cut, if you'll pardon the expression. I was inspired to do this documentary when I realized a) that a 40 year-old piece of crap from the Stones is STILL getting attention, and b) it's easy to just flail a camera around when your subject is half-dazed and not paying attention, or doesn't even realize you're filming!

"I was fortunate to get an investor named Robin Virgin, or something like that. He's an obese homosexual who collects records "that did not chart," goes fishing for exercise, and dislikes women. He has tons of money, and thousands of pounds. In other words, he's rich and fat.

"While he is parsimonious about spending more than a few shillings on his records, he handed me a blank check for my documentary! Well, he's getting senile and he simply forgot how to sign his name.

"Shauna can be a problem, so I have not told her about the project. I stashed hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom and behind mirrors. That did the trick! I think I've captured the excitement of twat-shaving and, of course, the risks. That's the thing about rock documentaries; you have to show that these decadent stars pay for their pleasures in the end. Or near the end.

"I'm arranging so that instead of one bad movie at a screening, it will be a double feature! First they get to see Shauna's documentary! Anyone who thinks Mick is a cunt is in for a surprise. I've got some great close-ups of Shauna's labia, or "the glimmer twins" as she calls them. My next step is to persuade her to cover some Stones songs with her fabulous autotune and syncing."

Bill is busy re-writing lyrics to suit the documentary:

GIMME SHAUNA
ON WITH THE SHAUNA
2000 LIGHT YEARS FROM TALENT
WHY DON'T WE SING THIS SONG WITHOUT AUTO TUNE?
GUM PUSS
SHE'S A BRAIN LOW
IT'S ONLY TAYLOR SWIFT (BUT I LIKE IT)
JERKY WHITE TRASH
MOTHER'S LITTLE HOWLER
CAN'T YOU HEAR ME SYNCING
19th NERVOUS TWATSHAVE
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS CUT ALL YOUR PUBES
AS TWATS GO BALD
SYMPATHY FOR THE RAZOR BURNS
HONKY TWAT WOMAN
LET IT BLEED EVERY 28 DAYS
PAINT IT RED
RUBY OOZE DAY
WHEN THE DRIP COMES DOWN
TUMBLING DOUCHE
VENTILLATE HER COOZE
WILD HO'
SLUT OF THE EARTH
LOVING A-CUP
FLAT STUFF
DE-FLOWERS
GET OFF OF MY KEY
BEAST OF IRELAND
CRACKED TORY GIRL
BITCH