GOOKER: LORD OF THE COCK TALES

His new single will be released in Japan soon:

Old Gooker was photographed at the Pleasuredome, where he also found a model to pose for his new single headed toward the Latino and tranny market:

Says Barry with a grin, "This is a whole new audience for Boko Harum! So thanks, Robin!"

He wasn't referring to former member Robin Trowser, but veteran trouser snake member-sucker Robin Verger. It was seeing Robin's constant Harum blog write-ups, "It did not chart...it did not chart...it did not chart..." that created a pain in Barry's ass, here, here and HERE.

"For 40 years or more, I've helmed a band with decreasing sales and interest," Grooker admits. "It's embarrassing that there are 365 days in a year, and we manage to tour on only 10 of them! And these are usually in some obscure part of Finland!"

Gooker adds, "Every time we put out a single, or a made-for-download live recording, it does not chart! IT DOES NOT CHART!! How often can I stand to hear those words??"

Gooker reasoned that part of the problem has been the misogyny in the song lyrics. "Yes, we never do love songs, just hate songs: Waylay your daughter, kidnap your wife, savage her senseless, burn out her eyes.' That kind of thing. Our best known song is about a woman who overdoses and turns a whiter shade of pale. So, with no female fans, it's time to embrace the gay and transgender communities!"

Gooker was reminded that gays like young men in good shape. He's 70, goat-faced and balding, and his band includes gruesome pudgy old guys, gaunt and nasty-looking creeps, and basically nobody who looks like he could get sex without paying for it.

"Oh, we've gotten rid of that fat pig of a drummer, Dung. On the new songs we replaced him with programmed disco percussion. Gays like dance stuff. "Conquistadork" and "A Sushi Dog" both have a heavy wank-off beat. I'm also working in a gay version of our greatest hit!"

Robin Verger took the cover photo. Says Robin, "I recall catching a black eel once. It did not taste very good so I put it up my arse. I could not visit boot sales with an eel in my arse, so my dog Muffin ate the eel out of my arse. I did not fart."

Gooker shrugs: "Robin IS a senile old idiot. That's my fan base: demented older men. They're mostly old loners, effeminate weasels and drunks. So now it's time to get MORE men involved...and I'll do everything to attract young Asian, Latino and Black ones!"

Asked what turned him queer, he didn't hesitate to reply: "Fucking Whitehorn's mother."