Bill Hoobastank Gets It Up The Ass

Hello, loyal readers.

This is Bill Hoobastank's long-suffering wife, Fanny Hoobastank. I've stood by while my pudgy 60-something hubby made a fool of himself paying celebs $20 to $50 to pose with him while he did that idiot teeth-gritting grin.

Lordy, he took all the money out of our cookie jar, the hundreds of dollars I'd been saving for my electrolysis. I was hoping to remove all the hair from my twat. Now? Now I've had to settle for a tattoo!

Not bad for a bony lady, huh? Well, the reason I'm bony is I've had to subsist on bread and water for years, thanks to Bill spending so much on CELEBRITY SNAPSHOTS.

Even with his pension and social security, the only time there's a crumb in the kitchen is when HE'S IN THERE.

The bastard was, of course, eating out on the sly.

He was eating out Louise Lasser. He was sucking the ass of the guy who played Chewbacca, and I wondered why he sometimes looked like he was growing a goatee. It was hairs off that guy's costume! And oh, his breath!

Bill would sneak out to the store and LICK DOUGHNUTS. That's where that little twit Ariana Grande got that stupid idea.

Yes, yesterday he hopped a plane to the coast just to lick the doughnuts SHE licked.

That's when he met up with Caitlyn Jenner! Here is the photo he sent me.

Opposites attract. Caitlyn is a woman with a dick. Bill looks like a man but he's a dickless groveling celeb-sucker. And he proved it going down on Caitlyn. Caitlyn then fucked him in the ass. He never had his doughnut filled before, and texted me all the terrible details. He said that Caitlyn banged him up his ass so much, his asshole is yawning open and won't close. His butt looks like Iain Duncan-Smith delivering a speech.

As you can see, when Caitlyn gets her mitts on a man, she doesn't let go. Caitlyn was once an Olympic athlete, and an expert at the pole vault. So she knows how to grip a pole. Jenner was good at the broad jump, and has practically jumped into knickers, dresses and all the rest of it. Shot put? She's put two big shots in her bra and looks just like a woman. Well, a woman who had a terrible car accident.

I'm almost housebroken over this. But not quite. I've put newspaper all over the floor.

I've taken the piss over this horrible infidelity, and I doubt Bill will ever come home. Caitlyn locks him up with her arms, with her legs, and once even sat on his head and clamped her sphincter down on him. Sort of like he had a plumber's helper suction-cupped to the top of his dome. Oh, it took hours before he could finally pry her arse off the top of his head, and tears of brown trickled down.

At least I think it was tears. I'll spare you THAT photo.

And the entire series of Bill bent over and gritting his teeth while Caitlyn fucks him. I can't say I'm too sure whether he's upset or angry about it. He has that same stupid expression in every photo.

As they say on TWATTER and FARCEBOOK, "Please keep me in your prayers."

As they say on Dickstarter and GoFuckMe, "SEND MONEY!"