BBC2 Announces Kell Brook vs Kelly Brook re-match for New Year's Eve

"The uproar at suffering through another show hosted by smirky, brain-addled Jools Holland had our viewers getting violently ill," explains the BBC2 press release. "We decided to broadcast a violent fight instead."

Kell Brook is 35-0, which is 35 wins and no losses.

Kelly Brook is 38-16, which is her bust size and her IQ.

Kell's reach is 69 inches, which is the same length as one of Kelly's bras.

Kell's nickname is "Special K." Kelly's is "Double D."

Here's a key moment in the first fight, which Kell won by a KO to the boob.

Kelly cried foul, claiming, "My boobs sagged down and his shot was technically below the waist."

The fight was called by Scottish boxing announcer Jim Watt, so nobody understood anything that went on.

A replay clearly showed that, according to ring announcer Michael Buffer, "that big fat boob was hanging there, waiting to be hit. You meant Steve Bunce, right?"

Kelly then said, "My hands were down. I was trying to scratch an itch on my shaved twat, and I wasn't paying attention to anything else."

The fight was licensed by the Luxembourg Boxing Federation (LBF), who, as they did with the David Haye vs Dereck Chisora bout, simply declared, "Whoever gives us the most money wins."

Fortunately, Kelly found boxing promoter Kellie Maloney (formerly Frank Maloney) who switched genders from male to female. SHE has guaranteed that this New Year's Eve re-match will obey the Marquis de Queensbury rules. The Marquis was a notorious queen, by the way.

Asked if she would favor Kelly over Kell, Kellie said, "I'm impartial. I did choose a fake twat over a real dick, but in the end, the asshole is unchanged."

The bout will feature a cover version of the National Anthem, as performed by iTunes star Shauna Cuntwell. Protested Jules Holland, "What's this shite? Anybody can be on iTunes now. It means nothing. I'm in Squeeze!"

Scoffed Shauna, "The punctuation is wrong. Jules fucked me in the ass, and I heard him say "I'm in! Squeeze!" But I still couldn't feel anything, and he slipped out, like a toothpick from the mouth of an orangutan."

Some boxing experts were surprised Kell Brook would choose a ridiculous match such as this, but he's got a dark view on his other opponents.

Kell said, "Who else is there? Amir Khan? Who cares about that big-nosed rubber-band-armed hummus-face! Look at his face compared to mine. I take him lightly. Besides, if I beat him I'll be machine-gunned by Muslims. It's safer to beat the shit out of this bint. It fact when it's over, if BBC2 doesn't mind, I'll go across the channel to BBC1 and beat the shit out of Bryan Adams, too."