Fat Vlogger DARREN LOCKE w/ Consumer YouTube Reports!

"Hello hello hello, in very hushed tones, it's ME, the great, modest, fat-headed, abrasive, oh-so-adorable, ultra-famous total wanker DARREN LOCKE again. I've reached into my purse for the remote control, so I can make sure to stay in focus! Ahhh!

"I love to hear my own soft, almost girlish whispery voice, and see my soft, almost piggish face as I give my video reports. This time, I'm truly soft and girlish! See what I have on?

"I'm reviewing the 48-A bra I got on Amazon. I know, strange measurements, but I'm a porcine bloke, with wide, sow-like shoulders but not quite fatty enough breasts. 48-A it is! I'm smoking a cigarette I got on EBAY. They technically don't allow sales of the stuff, but ha ha! If it isn't reported they don't come looking. Nice change from my smarmy coffee-slurping isn't it!

"Here! Do you think this necklace makes my neck too fat? Most people want their hands around my neck, but a good necklace helps a fat Adele-like girlyman look HER best!

"Being a tasteless idiot, I've got on thigh-high stockings AND footballer socks. It's drafty in the basement here. I'm not allowed anywhere else in the house in this get-up, which is a shame 'coz I do love wearing these things. I get excited and wank into that metal bowl back there. Which is full of Ribena. I get so excited seeing Ribena with floating wads of marshmallowy goo, I drink it all up. But maybe you don't want to know that. Then again, what could you possibly want to know from me? Why in the world is anyone watching? Now then...

"Aren't I charming. I love myself, I do.

"Let me get adjusted! These used knickers I got on EBAY pinch a little! Oooh! Shauna Cuntwell told me she had the same problem, and we're built about the same down below.

"It's so nice, this bit of fantasy...that people actually care about me. They don't of course. That's why they never Kickstart my projects. They won't pay a PENNY to me.

"Blimey! I think the wife is coming! I waste SO much time gurgitating my girly gurgling for my camera, I forget there's a real world, where I'm just a dumb useless twat who has to take out the garbage and make sure the toilet ain't stopped up.

"Come on, Honeys...you KNOW I'm so seductive! Look at how these knickers cover my arse, almost like a tarp covers the Manchester United field when it rains. Ooops. I do feel wetness!

"It's THE END.

"Oooh, I'm seeing myself in the monitor. Oh, sorry, SO sorry I can't stay for another ten or twenty hours, whispering sweet nothings to you all, giving my nothing opinions, being a giant waste of space. So far, these EBAY knickers seem like quality items. They stretch tremendously. And they have good cotton fabric that holds in the smell of my...oh. Well, I thought they would. They don't. I advise not to buy King Crimson products or used underwear on EBAY. I'll bring my blubber back for some more fascinating blabber very soon. You can depend on me having nothing better to do. In fact, next time I will wear a Depend!"