Remember...Remember...the FIFTH of NOVEMBER!

Hi GUYS...

It's ME, the one and only SHAUNA CUNTWELL, cute as a button!

Since I've infested every platform of social media EXCEPT somebody else's blog...HERE I AM!

After all, it's the FIFTH OF NOVEMBER, and I think there's a Jack Lemmon song that mentions the date. Do you know what got blown up on this date, 5/11 just last year? My tampon.

I remember, I woke up and somehow I had a sensation like I had a mushroom up inside me. It was just an extremely soaked and sop-full tampon. I pulled it out, and resembled a huge rose. Isn't that remarkable?

It wasn't one of those plain long ones, it was the kind that's more like a drain stopper!

I realized that I was going to have to switch to a "super" brand from now on! I'm a big girl, I am!

My neighbor, a Nazi who fled to Ireland after the war, was looking at me from his perch outside my window, and began to sing, "Mein Liebling, Mein Rose."

I held the tampon by the string, and waved it back and forth like a metronome, as his eyes tick-tocked from side to side. He was entranced. I told him, "For a fiver I'll sing you a song about my tampon."

He reached in his pocket, but didn't have a fiver. "Bloody hell," he said. I pointed to the tampon, "Yes, I know."

Anyhoo, what rhymes with "liebling?" Justin Biebling? That's when I tickle my twat while looking at those pictures of Justin naked. I do enjoy Biebling!

As I do on my regular GooTube VLOG, I will now answer questions. I am such a little star.

FIRST QUESTION: CAN WE SEE YOUR TITS.

Hmmm.

How's that? That's the best I can do. IF I'M BEING HONEST, even when I'm naked and looking in a mirror, I can't see my tits. Boy oh boy. Next question. (I'm reading these off my Twatter account private PM's. I enjoy life best when it's "PM"- pre-menstrual.)

SHAUNA, HOW COME ALL THE COVER SONGS YOU SING HAVE THE WORD "TWAT" IN THE TITLE?

Oh, that's a new trademark of mine. As my last name is Cuntwell, well, I'm very concerned with my cunt, which around the world means "vagina," while in the U.K. it means "Thatcher."

Now, I don't have a thatch on my CUNT, because I lather some Nair between my legs EVERY Day. Oooh! I feel like such a whipped cream tart when I do that. But you don't have to use a liquid hair remover. One of my favorite sites is hairremoval.ie so go there to see ALL the ways an Irish girl gets rid of hair. Ha, even Sinead O'Connor, who got a bit carried away, don't you think?

Next question:

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY LAST ONE, YOU SILLY BIG-EYED ROUND-FACED BINT. WILL YOU STOP SINGING "TWAT" COVER SONGS? YES OR NO?

No! I've got a new batch. I would sing a snatch or two, but I'll just give you the titles.

These are all from the "American Songbook." My gran told me I should offer some songs that old people might enjoy. I told her, "But gran, you enjoy them all." And she said, "I mean, when I actually have my hearing aid in." So I do understand that not everybody loves Taylor Swift and self-absorbed whiny variations on Sarah McLachlan. So I will be covering the best of Cole Porter:

ALL THROUGH THE TWAT

IT'S TOO DARN TWAT

IN THE STILL OF THE TWAT

I GET A KICK OUT OF TWAT

LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN TWAT

JUST ONE OF THOSE TWATS

GET OUT OF TWAT

I LOVE TWAT IN THE SPRINGTIME

IT'S ALL TWAT WITH ME

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED TWAT?

YOU'RE THE TWAT!

TWAT FOR SALE

I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY TWAT

If these turn out well, maybe the next time I show you a camcorder tour of my little thatched cottage (that's my HOUSE, silly) you'll see Gran in there, happily listening to my songs. Although I wouldn't know if she had her hearing aid in, or if she was just be enthusiastic, shouting, "Twat? Twat did you say?"

SHAUNA, YOU HAVE GREAT TITS DON'T YOU? SHOW US?

Ugh! Again?

I keep looking, I don't find anything! Stop asking! You flatter me, but there's nobody flatter than me!

Darren Lock owns bras, I don't!

SHAUNA, YOU MENTIONED THAT YOU USE A NEW BRAND OF TAMPON. CAN YOU SHOW US WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?

Oh, OK, but not a used one, that would be grotty! My grotto is now being carefully maintained, five days of the month (nights too) by something that looks like this:

We Irish believe in ghosts. I put these on the Christmas tree.

One year I had about 12 on the tree, and thought 13 would be a cool number. Alas, I had popped the last one in. What could I do? I pulled it out and put it on the tree, even if it was slightly used.

Oh, I'll never forget Dad shouting, "Who put that bloody thing on there?"

Then he began to weep. He told me it made him nostalgic for the old days with my Mum. He started to sing, "I wish I could see my girl Flo again."

He has a lovely tenor voice, but if you asked, he might sing for a fiver. I do.

SHAUNA, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT MUSLIM BASTARD WHO JUST STABBED PEOPLE ON A CAMPUS IN CALIFORNIA TODAY?

Twat? I mean, WHAT? You know, my social media messages and feeds are ONLY concerned with ME, Taylor Swift, ME, Sarah McLachlan, and "Whatever Happened to Dido?" So you'll have to send me more info.

Ew, some creep named Muhammad. Why bother me with reality? As Jack Lemmon sang, "Nothing's gonna change my world."

I live in an exquisite fairy kingdom in an Irish suburb, and I have a camcorder and a guitar and a keyboard, too. I own a lot of shampoo and my eyes are as big and brown as a melted pile of Taveners toffee. I have a dog, and we set up a Christmas tree every year, and I wear the exact style of knickers that Taylor Swift does! I know, I saw the GooTube video where she's walking toward the stage and her skirt flies up. Let me tell you, life is GOOD. I have no time for bad things like Muslims. By the way, this kid Muhammad? Are they ALL named Muhammad?

I hate that idea if they are. If some Muzzie gives me a fiver and says "Write a song about Muhammad," he can give it to a billion other Muzzies, free. Right? Or, if you mention Muhammad in a song, do you get your head chopped off? My question is, if I got my head chopped off, how would I know?

Guys, I will take ONE last question. After all, I have songs to write, and cover versions to sing!

SHAUNA, WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU. ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE ALL OF SOCIAL MEDIA COVERED?

Just like I have all of my twat covered in Taylor Swift-styled full-bottom no-thong knickers! For starters, don't forget THESE...

Thank you, GUYS! I'm glad you ALL find me ADORABLE, almost as much as I do myself!