Shauna Cuntwell gets a CASE of Nerves

"I've been so anxious and nervous," Shauna says, "that I've only shaved my twat seven times today."

She's been checking GOOTUBE and noting that her horrible cover versions of Ariana Pipsqueak and Taylor Muff never get the thousands of "hits" they deserve.

It's turned Shauna into a basket case because, as she admits, "I thought I'd be another SHAUNA CASE by now!"

Another who??

Oh. Another dimwit blonde who stands around looking CUTE.

Indeed, Mr. Davies, along with Warhol's "everyone will be famous for 15 minutes," YOU were right on target with YOUR line, "Everybody's in show biz...doesn't matter who you are."

Especially now. If you have a GOOTUBE account, you can figure you're a star. A celebrity. Not just another dickhead named Darren or twat named Shauna.

Here's a CASE who really isn't THAT much of a star...she does some shit or other for an obscure cable channel, and only a few thousand want to hear anything pop from her bubbleheaded mouth. BUT she IS a step higher on the Darwin chain from our dear Shauna Cuntwell.

"I'm stuck," Shauna cries with a stuck-up slap of her palm to her nearly hollow forehead. "I've barely paid to get a song on iTunes, and I've posted hundreds of cover versions that only get a few nice comments. Why am I not yet a GOOTUBE star? Or have my own REALITY SHOW on a cable channel or a streaming Internet website??

Shauna looks at a girl who looks a bit like her, and has the same first name, and has every reason to throw a hissy-fit. This CASE cunt is or was famous for something or other. Isn't it time for Shauna...CUNTWELL??

"Oh, yes, yes," Cuntwell moans, practicing for the day when she has an orgasm, "being famous should happen to MEEEEEEE! Oh, yes! It should happen before I get old (like 23) or before it's my turn for the "BIG BYEEEEEEEEE."

Selfie-Absorbed Crotch-Absorbed

The stupid Millennial twats out there are making sure that the new look in photography is "NOT looking at the camera."

Aren't we ALL goddam tired of these self-entitled egocentric princesses sending pictures around where they are busy staring at THEMSELVES?

In the generation of REAL CAMERAS, self-portraits were either done with a timer, or the photographer held the camera in front of the mirror, lowered it, and took the shot.

No more. Now, bitches stare into their fucking jabber-phones and don't even bother to LOOK UP and make EYE CONTACT.

When they air their dirty linen in public, they obviously have ENOUGH SENSE not to show their stupid faces, but we STILL have to see the fucking PHONE.

AND...even worse, the self-entitled bitches of the 21st Century check EBAY and see that not only should they be admired for having twats, they should make money selling twat leakage via soiled underwear. Isn't that what the cotton panel in knickers is for? Absorbing stink, until the underwear can be sealed into a plastic bag??

At the moment, eBay teeters on the edge of respectability. They allow morons to pose selling their "stinky socks" or showing off their legs in the pantyhose they sell, insisting, "will be washed according to eBay standards, NOT used as underwear." (What IS pantyhose, OUTER WEAR??)

It's really only a matter of time before ads such as the above are considered legal. After all, eBay already allows twats to sell Polaroids of themselves, under the guise that it's just nudity and it MIGHT be ART.

This stupid bitch sees all the latest "dirty panties" auctions (that's the new term, replacing the now-banned "pre-owned panties"_ and figured, what the hell. Why not make five times the cost of the underwear and NOT have to wash it out?

She has over 100 ordinary auctions going, where she's trying to sell off shoes, dresses, blouses, whatever she's BORED wearing, so she figures there's nothing wrong with going into the hamper and fishing out her fishy panties. LOTS of girls are doing it. She doesn't notice that LOTS of girls also get kicked off eBay for it. She just sees that LOTS of girls are doing it.

And what's creepy about some strange guy sniffing your cunt smell in Birmingham, Alabama? He's not likely to uh, take a bus to a train and come surprise you IN PERSON in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Right?

When will eBay make headlines for ANOTHER case like the Peter Braunstein matter, where some jerk bought an item on eBay and used it in a sexual assault? It seems likely that one day we'll open the Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh and read, "Cleethorpes Bint visited by Chav who bought her used knickers on eBay. Now she's as brain-dead as our editorial staff."

Right now eBay is usually very lax about stopping these auctions. It can take 3 days or even 5 days (useless if the auction is one-day-only or 3 days) and sometimes the item isn't stopped at all. Or, as the eBay employees shrug and admit, "We get SO many complaints, we often can't get to them all."

Yet Another Embarrassing LEAKED celeb PHOTO

"It happened to Jennifer Lawrence, to Leslie Jones, and now ME," wails Amy Wagstaff-Wetone.

The victim of a "spoof," Amy received an email from "Darth Knell," who claimed to be from GooTube and needed to verify her password.

"He said I'd NEVER be able to read more chapters from Pride and Prejudice," Amy sobs, "and that the ones I'd posted would be taken down. I sent my password, and the next thing I know, my cellphone began vibrating. I took it out of my twat, and lord, what a mess!"

Indeed, every photo stored on it had disappeared, only to re-appear on the notorious websites Reddit-and-Barfed, 4Shame, and Blobspot.

"How do I explain the selfies I took while listening to myself reading from old romance novels?" Amy asks. Better yet, how does she explain NOT actually being FEMALE?

"Did you really think a woman could be that ugly?" she laughs. "This also explains why my husband remains outside international waters. He doesn't want to be legally obligated to me anymore, and he likes to masturbate with squids."

Amy (formerly Amahl), spent years studying germs, bacteria, DNA and vaginal discharges before he began injecting himself with estrogen and listening to Adele albums. "Amy" convinced people she was just a homely fat lady with deformed labia and an obese clit.

She was buoyed when she attracted Mr. Wetone, a nearsighted worm repairman from Blackpool. His business was un-knotting worms and gluing smashed pieces of worm together, and selling them as bait to Robin of Sussex. How nearsighted was he? Mostly he pieced together bits of string, and un-knotted rubber bands. He was so nearsighted that the Blackpool businessman regularly took a bus to a train to a bus and ended up in Liverpool instead.

As for marrying Amy, love is blind, and for a long time the fool never knew the difference. Amy recalls, "We always did it dogstyle, and he complimented me. He said, 'You have a very tight hole. And I don't mind that it always smells of shit.' What a guy.

"Isn't it terrible how the Internet works? You try to call attention to yourself and pretend to be talented, and a celebrity, and to give out all your personal information, and disaster strikes. I mean, what is more of a disaster than seeing any fat slob naked?"

What's more of a disaster? Tell us, Amy, please, that you are NOT selling your used knickers on eBay!

Wonka Bonkers

Oh, what having a famous WILLY can do.

As a longtime follower of kneejerk dead-celebrity sales, I was quite shocked at the outpouring (hundreds upon hundreds of real and fake autographs) on Gene Wilder.

Gene has a very easy signature to copy, so it's turned up on collector cards, baseballs, and dupe photos. Apparently because he was WILLY WONKA, his prices have become MAGICAL.

Put it this way, when Madeline Kahn and Harvey Korman died, his co-stars in "Blazing Saddles," memorabilia barely moved at $50. An autographed (allegedly) still from Gene in that movie is fetching $150, and (at the moment) some will pay double for a "Young Frankenstein," but the REAL gold is from the sci-fi fantasy fetishists buying up anything WONKA.

Some WONKA trinkets have gone for $500 or $600.

The trick EBAY celebrity-death sellers know, especially with forgeries, is to make that killing INSTANTLY. Run "one day" auctions while the hysteria is high and resistance is low. Make sure to say you'll send a (worthless) "Certificate of Authenticity" as if some hayseed in Oklahoma is going to EVER pay $100 or $200 to have that $300 item authenticated, and then ask for a refund.

How EASY and TEMPTING is it to forge a Gene Wilder signature? Very. Who knows how many of these were actually signed by him. And what, really, does it say about disposable income when people are paying for a scribble of wink what others pay for a month's rent?

Gotta have that worthless autographed photo or "WONKA" card, NOW! NOW! NOW! Use "BUY IT NOW," sniper that "ONE DAY AUCTION." Forget that in a month, and most certainly in a year and beyond, interest will flag. After all, JOHNNY DEPP was also WONKA....

DIPPING INTO THE CUNTWELL

"Hi guyyyyyys, has the news leaked out yet?

"Here's a screen capture of yet another way you can support my bloody music! I'm bloody minded!"

A Scumbag Runs Dry

Here's a pleasant surprise. It may only be temporary, though.

It involves a notorious scumbag from New Jersey who downloaded over ONE THOUSAND Photoshop fake pix which he then began SELLING on EBAY.

Right, material "shared" by thoughtful pervs in sneaky private forums, was being SOLD by this aging weasel; drooled through his printer at about a $10 profit per photo.

Suddenly, today, he pulled them all. All thousand, plus another hundred "straight" dupe photos he was hawking.

Usually he's pulling his wrinkled and elderly dick over how much fun he's having running this crap through his printer and making money off it. But now...

Page after stinking page, suddenly disappeared, fittingly, around SUNSET in New Jersey (7:15pm)

Awww, all his "hard work" in swiping the Photoshop jobs hundreds of other pervs were doing for the snickery fun of it. Maybe a few of them were angry that he was breaking the piracy code by SELLING instead of SHARING?

Did he get one too many takedown complaints? Did PAYPAL advise him that it's time to stop violating their terms of service, especially with the pedophile pix of Emma and Selena?

Did eBay suddenly realize that all the DMCA's meant that, gee, this guy did NOT have permission to duplicate photos, and was violating THEIR rules?

Sic Semper Perverted Assholes.

Sneak Peek: The Cover for SHAUNA'S NEW SINGLE

"Yes, I can up a new GooTube every day," Shauna giggles, "but a whole album takes...at least a week. Besides, I have my FIVERRRR commitments. I'm usually ten days late on those. Just like I'm ten days late on my period."

Shauna has been waffling over manager Bill's demands. "It's true," she laughs, "I'm waffling. My ass has all these little square indentations. And my anus is leaking syrup!"

All seriousness aside, Shauna has been sitting on an air vent which has square mesh over it. That's what's caused the marks on her butt. As she explains, "Being home all day practicing my arthritic piano stylings causes my ass to get numb. So I go down to the basement and sit on the central air vent, which revives me with cold air.

"That explains the little squares on my butt. The anal leakage, I have no idea. My pussy is always shaved and dry. It's immaculate; awaiting an immaculate conception."

But before Shauna gets knocked up and swaps motherhood for a music career, she's vowed to keep on issuing new GooTube videos and SINGLES.

"I think this is very commercial," Shauna laughs, opening her eyes wide. "Imagine, if it's a hit, I can start selling Shauna Lollipops in Tesco! We'll start with Lemon flavor."

A stick figure with a lollipop head, Shauna was inspired to re-write the Millie Small hit for herself:

I'm a Lollipop
I'll make your dick go giddy-up
My twat is sweet and icky
But my body's stick-y

Whoa oh, I'm a Load 'a Poop
So you better watch it
Because I am hot shit
Why not have a scoop?

I love me, I love me, I love me so
But it's too bad my tits don't grow
Love my eyes, love my hair, excuse my tits
Wish my GooTubes got more hits!

(repeat, repeat, keep repeating)

Damn Twatty Stench

You remember Damn Twatty Stench. She played M in a few "James Bond" movies.

BUT...don't confuse her with the DAMN TWATTY STENCH over at EBAY, which is trying to rival Craigslist for the most vile whores.

Yes, the bitches are still at it. THIS Asian slut has had FIVE accounts suspended but she's making too much money (and getting too many clients for phone sex and whatever else) to EVER give up.

She doesn't even try to be subtle. She comes around using the most blatant eBay identities, and like the old Chris-Suks-Kock bloggers, simply changes the number and gets a fresh account. She was usedpanties69 last week.

You think someone named USEDPANTIES might be selling...used panties?

Ebay does have a twisted-knickers rule about this kind of thing. They don't allow it because it's a "health" issue. Gosh, they're worried that a bidder might get AIDS or HIV or the ZIKA virus off a stained crotch? And then SUE EBAY?

They aren't so concerned that they ban used pantyhose. Go figure. Or, not. They are also fine with people offering "well worn" socks and shoes with blatant "stink" references.

Meanwhile, here's a bitch on her THIRD new eBay name, and she doesn't care if she gets suspended, 'cause she'll come right back with another. No subtle description here:

The only thing subtle about her is she doesn't want to show her ugly face or her gruesome twat. Or the fact that her ugly face looks like her gruesome twat.

If you want truth in advertising, it's not here. While her underwear might indeed be the biohazard she happily seems to claim it to be, she is NOT white and NOT a girl. She's an aging Latina with a 7 year-old daughter. Kinda surprised she didn't claim to be British, with that "Hey, Luv" opening line.

She surely has a "STRONG PUSSY SMELL," but so does a Taco Bell burrito.

He killed TWO nuns? So? Black Murderers Matter!

Why kill a nasty bastard who killed two nuns?

Let's be REASONABLE. Just because he's given NO reason for offing these 68 year-olds who volunteered to help the poor blacks in the rural South...that's hardly a REASON to put him to death.

Better to let him live 40 years eating his food, shucking and jiving with other cons, and costing tax payers $10,000 or $20,000 a year.

Does it get any more ludicrous? If this was a WHITE guy, he'd be deep-fried by now.

But surely, "the system" failed him. White people are most definitely to blame. And let's put a lot of thought and time and effort into seeing if this guy can be rehabilitated. Maybe release him in a year or two. Have him run for Governor in 4 or 8 years when Kanye's running for President.

It's still the same old story...forget about the victims and be fascinated with and feel sorry for the violent rapist or killer.

This guy isn't going to die any time soon. He won't go to trial for two years. IF he's convicted his appeal will drag on for ten. Then there will be a second and third appeal of the death penalty, and he'll be on death row for another twenty years. As if there aren't literally TEN THOUSAND just like this bastard. As if he's a RARITY.

People want to preserve him like he's some rare species of butterfly. Christ, why not have a few women mate with him, to make sure his fabulous genes live on?

Millennial White Niggas Digg Da SHIT on WILDER

Yo, yo, YO.

It's KEWL to like SOME movies made before you wuz born, dig?

No, make that DIGG.

Dis is because clueless and unhip people like GENE WILDER could sometimes do SHIT that we 20-something HIPSTERS could LOL at. Know wuttumean?

Over at da DIGG website, where it's MUCH HIPPER to add that extra G fo' GOODNESS, dere be a triboot to da Genester.

Natcha-lee, NO WORDS.

Just a GOOTUBE video that collecks all his funniest SHIT. See, he used to LOSE HIS SHIT.

Dat is wut was funnee about this ACT-R BOI. He could suddenly LOSE HIS SHIT and go all crazy, you know? DIGG!

Why mention the movies by name, discuss his career or his family, or how he coped with Alzheiemer's? Just show some CLIPS and snigga at how he always LOST HIS SHIT!

The Tell-a-Laugh Gets a NICE Comment

Gene Wilder turned down pushy, effeminate JAMES CORDEN

James Corden is pushy.

James Corden is effeminate.

He just LOVES his Broadway shows and jerks like Adele. Fat James Corden would love to BE Adele.

That's not a Photoshop job. The guy's been in drag more often than Carol Channing. He gets giddy with his sing-along Car Karaoke shit. Like any obnoxious bitch, nothing is ever good enough. He has to insinuate, pry, poke and pull.

Corden had the amazing good fortune to get a visit from GENE WILDER when he (James) managed to get some kind of part in a Broadway show. WILDER apparently went around to various cast members to wish them well, and Corden kept him for a half hour.

Corden wouldn't shut up, stop gushing, or asking for advice on how to get around in New York. WILDER, always polite and patient, gave the pudgy queen all the advice he wanted.

When Corden got the fairy godmother dream of a lifetime, and was handed Craig Ferguson's talk show to soil, he instantly thought of how to exploit GENE WILDER.

How about, Mr. Limp Wrist Double Chin thought, I pretend that I got the gig because I made a magic wish with a WILLY WONKA coin? Har har! I'll call GENE WILDER and ask him to FLY the fuck out to California just to make ME look good! Tee hee!

Rubbery Corden sent a blubbering email outlining how wonderful and hilarious and fierce this little fantasy sketch would be. Just fly 3,000 miles to California, GENE, to resurrect a character you played a long time ago. This, when you don't sign Wonka photos (or any photos) and keep a low profile.

Corden outlined how CUTE the sketch would be. Yeah, Corden skipping around, WILDER trying to look like he did decades ago as Willy Wonka. Surely every Shirley and Bruce would gaily giggle for three or four minutes and shriek with joy at Corden's coup.

WILDER, mindful of what a pussy Corden is, couched his refusal to Pudgy Darling this way:

"Dearest James, I don't do or go where you were hoping, but I'll be looking for you. With my love, Gene."

There you are. Corden got LOVE from WILDER, and was called DEAREST.

It tells you all you need about what an opportunistic pest Corden is, and what a gent WILDER was.

Willie Wankers

Indeed, indeed, when a celebrity dies, it's time for the dicks of the world to take theirs out and jerk off to the fallen star. In public. They can't wait to wank away, spitting out fetid, gooey DRIVEL.

In the case of old Gene Wilder, it was a puker's toss-up. Either they ranted about "The Producers" or they raved about him being "Willie Wonka." Very few bothered to mention how he was versatile enough to play a romantic lead opposite Gilda Radner, or a convincing and funny blind man opposite Richard Pryor, or that "Blazing Saddles" was a nuanced performance that had him starting out drunk and ending up suave and confident.

The "Fun" about death, on Twatter and Farcebook, is that any dumb dickhead can pretend to be Gene's closest friend, and offer a heart "R.I.P." or a lame "Now he's with GILDA."

And what DID he fuckin' die of? This was soft-peddled, along with the pictures of how frail and confused he looked toward the end.

The always reliable NY POST of Rupert Merde Ox:

It's always sad when a guy like Wilder gets withered and croaks, because he was a "man child" comedian.

The "man child" isn't supposed to grow old. Or die.

As Leo Bloom, he played deftly along the boundaries of someone naive and crooked, someone innocent and able to be corrupted, and someone who could be sweet and charming and also loud and bratty.

There was usually a boyish quality in his work. This even applies to "Young Frankenstein," which, if you've watched it recently, is actually a pretty nasty piece of work.

As the title character, he's vain, abrasive, short-tempered and crass. It's hard to like him. But even in this role, he was naive enough to think he could create something that wouldn't be an utter monster. He figured he could put his creature on display, have him sing (like a retard) and dance (like a retard) and the world would be delighted.

But what does the Internet know or care? Yes, all people wanted was to show that THEY knew who he was, and THEY would pronounce the final "RIP." They would post those YouTube links of favorite moments. They would tell everyone where the torrents were that had the BEST downloads of ALL the key Wilder movies.

In the end, he escaped death by not recognizing it. That's SORT OF a blessing with Alzheimer's. You're a burden to everybody but you are as mindless as a puppy. Reagan, his daughter said, liked her shiny fingernails. He'd stare happily at them like a child stares at M&M's. So Gene Wilder sank into a befuddled, owlish, peculiar version of himself...God knows what THAT was like...how incontinent he was, he medicated he was so that he wouldn't have a childish temper tantrum or fling his poo.

As Robin Williams used to say, before he spared everyone, and himself, from further horrors, "Reality, what a concept."

YAWANA BET THE HEADLINE WOULD BE DIFFERENT?

THE WORDS "BY BLACKS" WERE ADDED HERE.

WHY did those words NOT appear in the actual Daily Snooze copy?

Because that only happens if the victim is BLACK. Then it's OK to announce that the perps were WHITE.

In a perfect world, NO reference to race would be made in ANY case.

But IF I'M BEING HONEST, we all know that a lot of crime IS based on race. There's such a thing as "prejudice." There are people who hate.

You remember the Tawana case in upstate New York. A black girl insisted whites had assaulted her. She lied. Why didn't she say a few black guys attacked her? Nah, she wouldn't get as much sympathy. Some would've said, "You asked for it" or "so that's not too bad."

You can imagine what would happen if a redneck invited some black girl to come back to his place...and then imprisoned her and let his buddies fuck her, and then pimped her out every day for meth money. Blaring headlines would demand his blood. He'd be called the worst racist cracker on the planet.

But a black guy sweet-talks a dumb white girl and turns on her. So? She shoulda known better. No sympathy. And let's NOT make ANY mention of his race, or that of his pals. Besides, you can figure it out by the goofy first names they have.

What a literal fucking horror for this foolish girl's relatives to live with. Fucked to pieces and shot to pieces. And it all began because she trusted someone who played the race card.

Oh, here's an oppressed black guy. He'll be nice to me because I'm a white girl. He'll take care of me. I'm gonna show my crummy white parents that they're wrong when they tell me to be careful around the blacks.

And why didn't this guy wander around lookin' for a soul sister?

He knew that a WHITE GIRL would be worth more. He could get LOTS of money pimping her out.

But let's not say such things, not unless it's the reverse. Not unless the perps are white and the victim is black. THEN we can state the races involved.

This is a racial crime that DARES not tell its name. Racism is a one way street in 21st Century America. It doesn't happen to whites. Blacks are never racist. And if they are, well, the whites deserved it. But in this case, uh-uh, there was NO racism, and it wasn't a hate crime.

Surely, when Mr. Pimp was enticing his pals to pay up, he NEVER said, "I got this WHITE girl..." No. He said, "I got this girl. Don't ask me her color. I don't see color..."

Why deny the obvious child.

Reasons to be an Angry Nigga, Part 3,000,003

There are people who get paid to stir up trouble.

Piers Morgan comes to mind, of course. Most journalists. Asshole Assange. The list goes on.

If you're a "charity," you rush to the newspaper, and GoFundMe and your Farcebook page constantly, to alarm people with the injustices against your cause. "Give! Give! Look what they're DOING!"

I donate to a charity that feels I never donate enough.

That's why they send a quarterly newsletter, and even occasional "SPECIAL REPORT" letters, whining, "Look what's happened now! Isn't this awful? Send us a check..."

Over at the Daily Snooze, they PAY a Spike Lee-type of sulky, obnoxious black to be their Nigga. Several times a week his "column" manages to find something to bitch about.

Funny (not) the headline in today's Snooze was about some white guy who was racist to a black. It was a racial crime. Let's tell it like it is! Another story, about a white woman gang-raped and murdered by blacks, had NO mention of racism.

Let's NOT tell it like it is. A stupid white bitch runs away from home, wanders around Florida, gets sweet-talked by an oppressed black, and ends up being pimped out, brutalized, and eventually shot when she tried to escape the shanty-shack they'd penned her in. Nah, not racist at all. Just because white meat fetches a lot more money on the pimp market? Nah.

In the same issue, this asshole goes wayyyyyyy back in time to start grumbling that he'll NEVER stand up when "The Star Spangled Banner" is being played.

He started with three incredibly boring paragraphs about how you can't enjoy your peanut butter sandwich when you discover the restaurant has a failed rating for cleanliness. And here he was, enjoying "The Star Spangled Banner" all these years (more than anything by The Supremes or Stevie Wonder) and NOW he's nauseous. Keee-rist. PS, who the FUCK orders a peanut butter sandwich in a restaurant?

Got that, Whitey? Are we all on MY side, MY NIGGAS? Let's all pointedly SIT DOWN and GRIMACE when "The Star Spangled Banner" is being played.

What next? Alcoholics Anonymous joins in, because the music is actually copped from a British DRINKING SONG? Shouldn't we be more SENSITIVE than to swipe a melody off a DRINKING SONG?

More from the moron:

I'd say MY NIGGA has worked himself into a lather, but a lather is usually WHITE. None of THAT.

Shall we take a closer look at this pebble-head's complaint?

First, he whines that a MISSING stanza NOBODY knows about is racist. Don't we get points for NOT including it in the song? Whoever mated Key's poem to "The Anacreontic Song" either thought the lines WERE racist, or were just not important.

So you're getting angry over what ISN'T in the fucking anthem.

What IS in the anthem, is a reference to the bravery of soldiers in the fort, who risked their fucking lives to keep the flag on that pole. The British had DEMANDED that the flag be taken down OR ELSE. Now, OR ELSE was happening, and even with "bombs bursting in air," and the flag getting a bit shredded, men were ready to DIE for this SYMBOL.

Were there blacks in that fort? I have no idea. Maybe there were. But this clown conveniently glosses over the fact that the British had grabbed a lot of SLAVES and had them shooting at and killing AMERICANS.

Gosh, "Key despised them." He despised the blacks who were trying to shoot him and his Patriots. What a crazy thing to do, put in a stanza about black slaves being handed weapons and gleefully told to murder Americans. I guess that's as irrational as being one of the bold Americans who wanted to live in FREEDOM from any fucking KING, and would put his life on the line for that.

Our Daily Snoozer declares that Key wrote the poem SPECIFICALLY to scream about niggers who had joined the enemy. The poem was not called "Dirty Rotten Niggers," but "The Star Spangled Banner." It was about the FLAG STILL WAVING. The line about nasty blacks turning around and joining the British, was one stanza.

Lastly, we're told Key was "a stone cold bigot."

Somebody took his temperature? How "stone cold" was he?

And how do we know Key never fucked a black woman (like Jefferson did)? How do we know he never did a nice thing, like tell somebody, "Hey, stop whipping that slave so much."

This columnist, PAID to grumble about Whitey three times a week, declares he'd found racism in the writings of Mr. Key. Mr. Key wrote that Africans were an "inferior race." Guess what. He wrote that over 200 years ago. Hitler declared Jews an "inferior race" less than 80 years ago and half the world still believes THAT.

MUSLIMS say EVERYBODY is an "inferior race" but THEM.

Consider that people are STILL bigoted. STILL backward. At least cut some slack to people who were not enlightened in an age when people had no idea if hell was actually below the ground or not, or what "germs" were, or if, via scientific proof, one race could donate blood to another.

Blacks hate it when they're called "gorillas" or "monkeys," but IF YOU WANT TO BE HONEST, that's what they looked like to 18th Century white people. Black faces. Flat noses. Gutteral noises. Vachel Lindsay wrote in "The Congo" of "their basic savagery."

If you want to go back 2000 years instead of 200, the same ideas were being declared about the Jews, the hairy Scots, the vicious Moors and the death cult Sikhs. Savages, every one. If you go see the musical "Cabaret," there's a scene of a man dancing with a gorilla, moaning that people don't understand his attraction to her. Why can't people accept that he's in love with...a JEW.

So people were ignorant a few centuries ago. Let it go. Many people RIGHT NOW still think God is in a cloud, that masturbation is dangerous, that vaccines should NOT be given to children, that homosexuals are mental cases, and that marriage between two races or religions is awful. So give a break to morons from centuries ago who didn't know better.

It's a fucking miracle that with sensitivity and intuition, and aided by a certain amount of assimilation, whites such as Abraham Lincoln, whites comprising at least half the fucking country, began to view slavery as wrong. America went to bloody war because half the nation believed these strange looking people with the nappy hair and flat noses and blue-black skin were actually just like anyone else. They recalled the Shylock speech from Shakespeare, when Jews were considered as some form of evil. But go ahead, be petty and obnoxious for your paycheck, and find a reason to go into a rage. "Hey everyone, let's NEVER sing "The Star Spangled Banner" again! Damn!!!"

Does this guy from the Daily Snooze ever write a column about those fucking Westboro Church jerks who insist "Gods Hate Fags?" Nah, that's out of his line of interest. He's ONLY concerned with BLACK problems. Seems a bit...RACIST, NO? No compassion for anyone else?

"Hey, I've found another thing to be a pissed off Nigga about. A guy from over 200 years ago was ignorant and didn't think blacks were equal to whites. He didn't like slaves shooting at him on behalf of the British. So I'm not gonna stand up when his lyrics are sung."

And how do you feel about Wagner's operas? Or Roger Waters and "The Wall?" Or "The Bill Cosby Show?" Do you go around checking the biographies of everyone to see if they ever said a racist word, ever committed a crime, ever did something wrong, and if they did, insist that their art is tainted, too?

Oh, we say...FUCK and OFF. In another generation "The Star Spangled Banner" will be replaced by a banging drum and a chant of "Allah Akbar." Or maybe "La Cucaracha." Or the latest rap from President Kanye West.

Whitwam Thank You Ma'am

A signature on a piece of paper? $5 or $10. But on a DRUM HEAD? Almost PRICELESS, no matter how ineffectual or enigmatic the drummer.

Or do you remember how Whitwam rivaled Ringo and Watts as the "best in the business?"

Why not decorate a wall of your home with five of these? Make a sort of OLYMPIC five-ring symbol out of them.

Pinhead Clare has forbidden Jeff Dung from signing ANYTHING unless the money goes to "THE WEBSITE." A teasing note (here, here and here) has announced that sometime in the future, if everyone is VERY good, Jeff will sign three unusual items.

"Since a drum head is much too cumbersome to ship," Pinhead writes, "we will instead be offering smaller items. Jeff will use a scale-arm plastic compass to trace a completely round circle onto the back of a pair of his boxer shorts. He will then scissor out a perfect circle AND sign it. Any smudges will probably not be his signature but his skid marks.

"I have also arranged for him to sign a small drumstick. It was picked absolutely clean of Kentucky Fried Chicken and coating by Whitehorn. The Commander, of course, is on the drinking man's diet, and lives mostly on rum.

"Lastly, I will be offering a wonderful thumbnail sketch. It's a little drawing Jeff's done on the thumbnail that popped off at his last Skegness gig. It broke away during his obnoxious 10 minute solo during "Whiskey Train." The drawing looks a bit like: @..@

He said it was ME: two beady eyes, two big ears. No chin.

A SOUVENIR IN LONDON

"The Tooth Won't Fade Away!" (song from The Prodigal Dentist cd)

Disclaimer: actually, Roland's work flakes off here, here and here, because he's a flake. He's got as many credits in dentistry as he does in proofreading or being paid to write anything besides Boko Harum palaver. He's just an emaciated transsexual (female-to-male) working as a Bristol school teacher. His pastimes include drinking beer with overweight, florid-faced men from Denmark and Finland, pestering termites into buzzing in iambic pentameter, and getting "pay to play" money from off-key dementia patients who are then wheeled on stage to shout "I'll blacken your Christmas and piss on your door."

His main claims to fame include being able to identify every past and present member of Boko Harum just from scrotum photos, leering at people when they read Hoban books in public, and being the model for the long, filthy stick used by the chimney sweeps in the 1966 musical "Mary Poppins."

Nobody's Purple over Haze

Watta surprise. A snotty picture of a fully clothed porn star brat pulling a face...

HAS NOT SOLD.

I think Joni Mitchell's song title is still true: "Sex Kills." The diseases are still out there, and so are the jealous maniacs and the rest of the malcontents.

The well known phrase "Sex Sells?" Not so apt.

A quick check of EBAY proves that while there are still desperate panty sniffers and Huelbig goons buying autographed photos of sexy babes that will never help them lose their virginity or go straight, MOST of this crap is like a constipated ape: IT AIN'T MOVING.

Porn star? WHO the fuck is a fucking porn star anymore? Not this Haze bitch. Even a topless picture of the bitch isn't worth the ink and paper. The cheapest "collector cards" on the Net are the "bench warmer" ones: pseudo cheerleaders doing coy poses and signing the cardboard. So what?

The has-been porn stars from the distant past, like Seka and Jenna Jameson, have eBay accounts but are like Robin Virgin on a fishing trip: spending most of the time doing nothing but waiting and nattering to themselves. $40 for a personalized book by Seka? Who cares?

$50 or $100 for a photo of Jenna? Guyyysss would rather spend that money for stinky knickers AND a lewd phone call from some "porn star" bitch in Florida. She could call herself a "porn star" because she's sold amateur DVDs on the site. That's like Shauna saying she's a professional singerbecause a few idiots paid a FIVERRRR to her on the Internet.

The funny/sad thing is that "porn stars" now have to do gangbangs and bukkake to even get noticed. When was the last time a Playboy or Penthouse "playmate" or "pet" moved from the centerfold to an acting career? You can't even point to a best-selling "leaked" porn video anymore, since nobody is famous and everything gets pirated freeee.

Haze is obviously young enough and stupid enough to be thrilled anyone is taking a photo of her, and that she's gotten a dozen "credits" in porn DVDs. These sell to retarded Kentucky truckers who don't know how to get Internet porn fer nuthin'. In another year or two air-headed Haze will be emptying her bank account to her gynecologist and trying to re-grow her pubes. She'll be the stay-at-home Mom to a menagerie of different-colored children. And the neighbors will be sticking out their tongues at her and wiggling the fingers in their ears.

All It Takes is a Few Ukrainians

Well, well, the "masterminds" of a famous torrent site are just some greedy Ukrainian peasants. You know the type. They're like the Russian-Serbian-Croatian tourists who swagger through the airport, snap their fingers, spit when they talk, and speak with high-pitched whining and surly shrugs.

"Git me a keb! I go to hhhhh-otel now. Tell dat Hinglish beetch I vant sleep wit whore. I Serb! I heff munny! Do hass I seyyyy."

No big deal, eh? Shrug, shrug. Copyright? "Vat dat? I start vebsite make big munny. I buy honly da best WODKA! You want I work for leefing? Eh!"

As always, the criminals are portrayed as Robin Hoods Giving away copyrighted material makes them "heroes" and "beloved," and their own greed is written off as if they deserve to be millionaires. THIS prick is another Kim Dotcom. Don't send him to jail. He was doing it for "freedom of speech." We were all having FUN.

Yes, yes, he "goot man. Have growing sun. Like play da tinnis und di squish. Why dey peek on heem?"

One of the many disturbing factors here is how easily lone wolf assholes and a small wolf pack of idiots can create chaos. Think of Mark Chapman. Think of the Manson Family. All it takes is some fucking Vaulin prick and a few pals, or Assange, or a fat sobbing Dutch douchebag who wanted to be loved. Admired. Called the Ayatollah.

There's no honor even among thieves. The same immoral selfish fuckheads who make life difficult for copyright owners can just as easily make life miserable for fellow-crooks. ONE asshole can blow up a forum. At the moment, one of the more famous private torrents has been down for a week because they tossed out one argumentative prick and he retaliated with Denial-of-Service attacks. Insiders speculate that if he has the money to pay a hacker, he could keep the torrent site off-line for a long, long time.

So no matter what side of the free downloading phenomena you're on, or if you waver in the middle, you know all it takes is one, two or three fuckheads to wreck it all.

How fragile and delicate IS the fucking Internet?

Every day we're told to "go paperless," and use our credit and debit cards, and think Paypal is a pal and "Google is your friend." And how many of us have fallen for a spammer, got scammed, noticed a friend sending us weird e-mails because the account was taken over, or received news from a bank or a store; "Our information has been compromised..."

Meanwhile, all people can think of is when Kickass will come back, and if we've really seen the last of Kim Dotcom. People go to forums to discuss how to avoid paying for a TV license or Cable TV and where the illegal streams are, and how you can simply have GooTube and feast on all the music and movies you want.

Already people are screaming that Vaulin should be set freeeee. All he did was "freeeeedom of speeeech." Yeah. I hope the same people say that about the hacker who gets access to their social security number, or runs up a huge bill on the credit card that was on file at their favorite Internet store. Don't cry "Jail him for ever," say "Nice going, Dimitri. You people in Russia deserve it. That goes for you too, Nigerian Prince, My Nigga..."

Starting Work Early on the new St. Paddy's Day album

"I save so much on not having to pay a band," Bill gurgles.

Crazy About the Old Songs

WISHIN' AND A HOBAN

Ever heard of Hoban?

Of course not. But every obscure sci-fi and kiddie author deserves favour.

In both cases, the writer is appealing to a nerd who has never grown up. The nerd can't forget about some kiddie book that was actually pretty stupid when he read it at as a six year-old. AND, the same nerd is easily led into dreaming about other worlds and civilisations, because his own schoolmarm life is so incredibly dull...and he still has the mind and genitalia of a six year-old.

Dahl ain't enough for ya? Go fall in love with THIS dead guy:

What could be nobler than to spend one's time and energy "keeping the spirit alive," by joining a Farcebook page, or contributing to a FAN WEBSITE about your favorite obscure little drone-author?

Each day you ponder the dead man's witless quotes like you'd tongue a loose back tooth. You always find some reason to fret and fuss about the author's lame symbolism. You re-read the books over and over, and try to out-do others in the newsgroup by name-dropping characters or making annoying allusions to specific scenes. You show photos of your "shrine" of his books and memorabilia. You drive others away by incessantly insisting YOU have theories on "what he really meant."

If you have enough fetishes (why not ALSO be the webmaster for a failed rock band...) you can have a life outside of your schoolmarm work and your boring relatives and wife. Life is a beret, old chum.

Yes, you guessed it. Roland Butter, aka Rolling Queer, aka Puppy-Nosed Weasel-face, is a BIG fan of Hoban. He's also a BIG FANNY (in either the British or American slang sense). Here, he indulges himself in a self-referential reverie about a time he was reading a Hoban book, not far from the rubbish can he lives in.

Er, that IS a picture of where he lives. Isn't it?

Why show a photo where the most prominent feature is a GARBAGE container?? And a park bench? He spends most of his life HERE and HERE? And like any bum, he only wanders away to forage for chewy nuggets he can find discarded on the street, or hanging out of Barry Gooker's anus?

Here's the beginning of Weasel Face's memoir on reading a Hoban book.

There isn't room to contain the entire verbose and self-referential threnody.

He most certainly thinks his atribilious amphigory is worth a prize.

Who wouldn't be rapturously entertained by his long-winded delusion that slurping coffee and reading crappy fiction would make him the envy of any passing female?

On THIS blog, quantity is not mistaken for quality, so we condense the rest of his palaver into a few paragraphs.

Here, edited down, is the rest of his anecdote:

.

Imagine my surprise, as I gripped my Americano, and held by book, to find a lady with a little too much jaw and a Louise Brooks hair cut, coming on to ME, a man with no jaw, and no hair to cut. I wrinkled my ferret-like button eyes, ran a stained finger over my stubble-covered cheek, and wiped it against my wet pug nose. I grinned like a coquette and dipped my beret over one eye ala Veronica Lake.

"How can you read a book with one eye, Fuckface?" she asked with a lilting laugh. "Ever read "The Owl and the Pussycat? I have."

Aha, she gave me a knowing Lear! She was clearly the pussycat, and I was, of course, the wise old owl. And so I said, "Who?"

"You, you idiot," she replied. "Ever read anything by Edward Lear? He's a damn better writer than Hoban." She glanced downward. "Enjoying it?"

"My Hoban book?"

"No, the way your Americano coffee is dripping onto your crotch. Can you feel it, numb nuts?"

"Shine on!" I ad-libbed, wiping the shimmering wetness with my tweed sleeve. "I think, saucy wench, I must disappoint you and rebuff your advances. I'm afraid I already have a sexual partner and one is enough for me."

"Right hand, or left hand?"

"However, I do get a certain risible penile twitch out of being admired for my cacafuego, hircismus, and of course, my microphallus which resembles a tie-clasp microphone. Do you realize that for less than 600 pounds, I can arrange for you to attend a Boko Harum concert in Iceland?"

I could tell by the way her face turned a whiter shade of pale, that she was surprised to realize that I was, indeed, the FAMOUS webmaster for those gallant musicians who have spent the past 50 years singing their one hit song. As her face turned even more pale, I explained my offer:

"The 600 pounds includes the bus to the train and then the bus to the airport. It includes the airfare. All you pay for is the ticket to the show and an extra 200 pounds for the beer and buffet afterward (to which we treat our Commander, lead singer Barry Gooker free, and to which his cover band pays half price). I will throw in a vintage Hoban paperback that my wife used for a menstrual pad in 1972. It's fairly dried now, and only a few pages are illegible."

She gave me another amused glare, and said, "Enjoying it?"

"The book?"

"No, being a pretentious twit. By the way, this isn't a Louise Brooks haircut at all," she said. "It's a Moe Howard."

It was then that she poked me in the eye.

All You Have to Lose is a Fiverrrr

"Hello, Knickerless Pain here. Here. And here. (Home. Home. And home.)

"I'm home most of the time. I went out to the store last week, and the dog catcher came after me. Another time it was Pest Control. Another time somebody said 'Call the London Zoo! There's an escaped wombat!'

"As long as I'm at home so much, I decided to open a FIVERRR account.

"I will record a one minute song for a FIVERRR. Yes. That's right. Give me the name of somebody you dislike and I will sing that person's name over and over: FUCK OFF...PERSON OF YOUR CHOICE. I've done over 50 of these so far. Every time, people asked me to sing MY name.

"Other options:

If you have lyrics and want them obscured by horrible banging on guitar strings: $30. No haggling. Can't pay, fuck off!

If you have horrible music and want somebody yelling over them: $30. Don't like the price? Fuck off.

I can add video so you can see my forlorn, Muppet-like shaggy turdish face. That's $30 extra.

I am a professional: I had somebody leave a "nice" comment on YouTube (thanks, Mom). I starred in the film "The 40 Year Old Virgin." My version was on 8mm and lasted 3 minutes. It was widely praised for being silent. I am currently raising money to have it "Colorised by Titley."

I can sing in a high register if you kick me in the balls.

You can use my voice for repelling rodents from your home. I am available to visit your home and clean your toilet with my hair. I can bring along a drummer, sing, and help you break your lease. If you'd like to hear a Northern Irish accent, feed me beans and listen to my farts.

I must make a rebuttal to the one-star reviews I've gotten. It's true it can take up to 10 days to fulfill an order, but it's just hard to get off the toilet. Especially when you have an ass as fat as mine. The suction and seal is so strong, it sometimes takes the police and the "jaws of life" to free me. I try to remember to coat the seat with oil; which is easy if I remember to rub my face on it.

Usually I create echo by singing with the microphone deep in the toilet. Unfortunately for one order, the toilet was so full to the very lid, I couldn't use it. I went into the kitchen with my microphone, and I admit, the result "was out of sink." I would've refunded the money but I chose instead to buy shampoo. That way I could clean the toilet thoroughly with my hair, and use my head as a plunger to clear the drain.

Have I said "Fuck Off" lately? Let me add it now! It's my BEST LYRIC!!!

I am also available to put funny captions to photos, to get any random drummer or howler monkey and pretend to be a long-running punk band, and I can show up in person and make a fist and show how I can put a fiverrr up my ass.

If you want a love song, I am the one to do it. I am a heartbroken slob who can rhyme love and oaf, sad and fat, and most of all, fuck off and Obama.

Don't go elsewhere. Shauna may be a cute twat, but I've spent nearly 50 years getting the reputation for being a cunt!"

BOKO DOES WORSE THAN SHAUNA

"I feel better about myself," Shauna Cuntwell admits. Though a rank amateur with a mouse-fart voice and grade level keyboard and guitar skills, her GooTube videos do get more hits than...

BOKO HARUM. The infamous terrorist rock group continues to be ignored by a disgusted, scornful public. Or as their publicist and webmaster Roland puts it, "Well, how about my Pail Heads cover group instead? We're ready!" (thanks, Roland).

Among the group's few surviving fans is the Italian who inherited a long standing Boko Farcebook page. It was started before Roland could think of it. The Italian plays his organ daily (thanks, Kleenex) and has a real fetish for Mr. Fisher. This led Roland to stop posting there with his multiperambulating threnodies and actually start a RIVAL page. Yes, NOT being the leader and having to flood the site with daily idiocy to push away competition was tough enough, but he couldn't risk alienating Gooker by being part of a page that doesn't censor and ignore Fisher!

As you see, the Italian is such a squeaking puppy that he'll post utter idiocy, and with no visuals, as long as he can mention Fisher.

"I get more hits within a month than HE does," Shauna giggles. And she doesn't just mean furtive pats on the ass from old men when she's in the fruit aisle at Tesco. (Wanks, Roland?)

Am I being unfair by using one of the Italian's ridiculous blind-man GooTubes as an example? NO. IF I'M BEING HONEST, most anyone who grabs a camcorder and sits his pudgy drunken self in the first row, and semi-steadily trains it on the Commander (aka Commodore, aka Commode Odor) will have trouble getting 100 hits. The exception is if he's recording one of the group's most famous songs (in 50 years, there were maybe, what, 3 of them?) Even their one Top 20 hit is rarely sung by the average person (compared to "Yesterday") and few remember the peculiar name of the group that first recorded it. At best, a VINTAGE clip from TV gets hits. NOT the new stuff.

Example? A new one can't even reach 1,000. It only got hits because Boko was part of several obscure, over-the-hill, crusty-faced bands at Rambling Man. People who attended, stoned on fermented prune juice, are checking GooTube to see what they missed while they were in the bathroom.

"Tee hee hee," says Shauna. "Look over Gooker's shoulder. Was there a full moon that night, or is it the drummer's head? Wanna know how obscure this group is? My manager Bill does NOT have a picture of himself with Barry Gooker! Byeeeeeeeee!"

Fat Pig Media Whore LENA - DISGUSTING AS ALWAYS

If it isn't fat pig media whore Amy Schumer, an unfunny boring "comic actress" blob, then it's Lena Dunham.

It's a tag-team act. One or the other has to show up every fucking day showing off their blubber.

This is "empowering." It's also REVOLTING.

Oh, let's not have "fat shaming" anymore. Let's PRETEND that piggish obese skanks are ATTRACTIVE.

No, I have no idea who the Kirke bitch is posing with Dung Heap. Yet ANOTHER homely heifer wanting her moment of fame by putting her fat in the fire.

Yeah, this shit from Lena Dung Heap is ALWAYS gonna play at the Huffity-Puffity Post, or the Daily Fail.

Do you know why Leslie Jones had her website hacked and her nude photos taken?

The choice was whether to do it to HER or to Lena Dunham.

One thing about Leslie Jones: she may be hefty and homely, but at least she's FUNNY.

This is NOT funny, NOT sexy, and is a damn shame:

Yeah, faux lesbian shit is kewl. Fat is kewl. Being obnoxious in public is kewl.

The 21st Century is going to be this planet's last? KEWL.

Nigga, please! USA : You can humiliate Jennifer Lawrence BUT NOT...

How many times have white actresses had their websites HACKED, their Twitter accounts HACKED, their cell phone photos THROWN ALL OVER THE INTERNET?

Can't count that high, can you.

Like, FUCK YOU, Jennifer Lawrence.

But when the stupid fucks who run Leslie Jones' website, or Leslie herself, couldn't prevent her password from being stolen and her website hacked...

CALL HOMELAND SECURITY!

Yes, the same HOMELAND SECURITY that will respond to an ISIS invasion or the Russians fucking up an American bank by stealing every account and social security number.

HOMELAND SECURITY! HOMELAND SECURITY!

The hacking of a dopey Black actress-comedian's website is right up there with 9/11.

And who, some out-of-towners are asking, IS this fucking LESLIE JONES? She must be a real BEAUTY, right?

No, that's NOT one of the "nude pictures stolen from her website."

I have not seen ANYONE post those. Have the smirky punks at 4Chan done it? Doubt it. They is either too chicken, or they don't want to make everyone sick.

The image above is from an SNL sketch that was actually aired over national TV (not even cable). The "joke" was that Leslie is some gorilla-girl from the jungle, and she likes to run around naked, and she's got a thing for dinky white dwarfs.

Are you laughing?

Most often on the show, Leslie trades off her BIG SCARY BLACK WOMAN persona by bellowing about how much she wants to fuck Colin Jost, a white Preppie idiot who co-hosts the fake news segment.

Har har, Vanilla Colin, Sugar Colin, whatever white-term Colin always looks so bashful and embarrassed when BIG BLACK SCARY LESLIE gets aggressive towards him. Har har.

Does it sound a bit racist to you, this SNL brand of humor?

IF I'M BEING HONEST, Jones, one-note that she is, has been funny with her Berserk Black Woman stuff. She can make some pretty weird faces. She's a lot better than the smirky obese white girl in the cast who cops Nigga attitude (shaking her head from side to side) and constantly being nasty and aggressive about how homely and repulsive she is.

Leslie jumped from the small screen to be one of the four twats doing the "Let's Remake GHOSTBUSTERS because FOUR TWATS are FUNNY, and women are HILARIOUS, and anything men can do, a bunch of tampon-sucking TWATS can do BETTER."

Sadly (seriously) the bulk of the anger from dweebish male "Ghostbusters" fans was aimed at Leslie. Yeah, despite being BIG AND BLACK AND FEARSOME, she was the main target. Because NOBODY is too BIG AND BLACK AND FEARSOME on the Internet. No, on the Internet, any 12 year-old is as Strong as Samson (Ewww, pardon the Boko Harum song title).

Leslie fled Twitter in tears (but came back amid a tremendous amount of publicity and an outpouring of love for her and disgust for the trolls). Now THIS.

Do I feel badly for Leslie Jones? Of course.

But I also feel badly for Jones and ALL artists whose works are pirated on dozens of obvious torrents, forums and blogs, and neither HOMELAND SECURITY or other government agencies do much about it.

Internet powers (such as GOOGLE and EBAY) and Internet rights groups (such as the RIAA and MPAA) are notoriously slack about paying attention to issues of invasion of privacy. How many times have stalkers and hackers who preyed on women EVER been prosecuted? Once or twice?

It smells like reverse racism to care so much about Leslie Jones and not so much about Jennifer Lawrence. Homeland Security isn't concerned about shutting down 4Chan or Tumblr who routinely run thousands of STOLEN PHOTOS every HOUR?

Why the FUCK is Leslie Jones' privacy more important than the thousands upon thousands of women whose nude photos are on the Internet without their knowledge or permission? From upskirt and voyeur images to "shame the ex-girlfriend" shots, it's ALL up there and HOMELAND SECURITY isn't too upset.

There are also terrorist websites flourishing that HOMELAND SECURITY doesn't care about. You can go to EBAY and without even checking the adults only section, you can see hundreds of nude Polaroids being sold with NO mention of age or consent. That's all fine is it? But we've got to drop everything to investigate how Leslie Jones' lost control of her fucking website?

Nigga, please! A little EQUALITY, ok? Go after anyone who hacks. Go after anyone who posts mp3 and avi and jpg files with obviously NO authorization.

It will be quite a surprise if anyone actually catches up to the hacker, or if the hacker actually gets arrested or fined, much less jailed. How many have been punished for shit like this? TWO? One guy who was boasting about how he deduced passwords to moron-bint celebrity phones, and the creep who made a hole in a door to get images of a nasal-voiced blonde sports announcer.

HOMELAND SECURITY? Take a look at that photo of Jones and Dinklage again.

Hmm. Maybe that IS almost as horrifying an image as the WTC towers going down...never mind, spend a million in tax payer dollars to find the guy.....

Bill : "DEAD DAVE Got Photos I Didn't Get!"

Turn on the Gurgle Translator:

"It's me, Bill again, and I've shit my diaper twice in the past hour! I'm so distressed. I've been looking at Dave's collection. Well, call him DEAD DAVE.

"He's as fat as me or Creepy Paul, and he likes to waddle over to celebrities, grab a squeeze, and give a glare into the camera with his gruesome mug. We all know what that expression actually means: 'Here I am, with a celebrity for barely the amount of time it takes for a camera to click.' But like me and Paul, he could show off and impress everyone, and act like he's really something. Grr. I like to think I'm so unique. What if people realize that THOUSANDS of fans go to the memorabilia shows and THOUSANDS write to the stars???

You can see why Bill has shit his nappies:

Dave's collection is mostly D-list porn stars too skanky and unknown to be invited to famous Comic Con or "Chiller" shows on the East Coast.

Dave, or rather DEAD DAVE, spent his life haunting strip clubs and porn theater openings and sleazy Vegas lounges for these photo ops. Now? Now there's an ESTATE SALE on eBay where ALLLLLLL his TREASURES are being auctioned off for chump change.

Not exactly immortal, Dave isn't even named in the auction ads. It's just "estate sale from a collector." His collection will be splintered off and sold here, here, and here and there, to a variety of twits, nitwits and Ridiculous Rolands.

Most will pay less than 10% of what Dave paid for the autograph-photo op. After all, who wants an autographed photo with a big ugly dope in the picture??

Bill's eyes cloud over as he imagines how valuable and impressive HIS collection is. "I'm sure that when I die, my sister will make sure my memorabilia is displayed in a special room at the Smithsonian. Maybe Gov. Christie will declare a day for me, and all the photos will be on display in the mayor's mansion at least. That is, IF I die. How can I die when I haven't gotten my picture taken with every Dr. Who??"

Like most every fanboy, DAVE had no real loyalty. It was QUANTITY and not QUALITY. He'd jerk off to any actress, any magazine, and not only drop a load looking at National Geographic, he'd even get excited by staring at a gasoline tank hole in an issue of Popular Mechanics.

Dead Dave lusted after "traditional" movie stars but most of them don't bother with sleazy memorabilia shows. For those "high class" actresses he drooled after, he wrote letters, paying for a "list of celebrity home addresses" that came graded with an A (always signs) or D (asks for payment) or F (doesn't even return your photo).

Being classless and tacky, if there was a NUDE photo of the celebrity, he sent it. Only a classless and tacky actress would sign such shit for him, even for pay. In fact, Captain Hook could name the actress on one hook. Linda Low-Class One-Movie Blair.

Can anyone name more than ONE movie she made? That's why within a few years after THE ONE MOVIE, she was posing for OUI with her chubby tits hanging out. Since she didn't bother to personalize the photo to Dead Dave, it's going for a decent price. A rarity among the DEAD DAVE archives.

The relentless chunky fanboy had that desperate look in his eye. Unlike dopey Bill, this was the kind of guy women had to be wary of. Better let him clutch and grab for a moment, because if he doesn't think he's got his "moneysworth" Christ knows what he might do when he's lurking in the parking lot after the show.

Here's a wise woman who was willing to pose and pretend to find this grim, hulking misfit attractive. His $50 was attractive, for sure.

PS, you've noticed the "auction house" (or rather, a porcine greasy cretin of dung beetle) insists on putting his eBay name all over each photo. DAMNED if he'd let some weasel get a clear view and download the image for free! Lord knows, there ARE parasites on eBay who do copy the photos and sell digital print-outs of autographed photos for a whole $2.99.

PPS, you notice in the creepy image above, DEAD DAVE wasn't even paying attention to the whore's corny fakery? He was glaring at the camera: "Got this? It's ME, ME with a porn star? ME. I'm next to a woman who has sucked hundreds of dicks in cheap movies, just so she can charge more when she whores in Vegas. As in: "You saw me in a porn film, so I'm famous. Gimme $1000 and I'll blow you." Yeah. Look at me. Damn, I hope I have the same expression in this photo as I do in every other one. Arrrrggggh."

Wonder if he walked away sniffing, hoping to get a good whiff of the smell of her tongue on his cheek. Bet he raced into the nearest men's room and jerked off while staring at his wet cheek. Ain't that a pretty picture?

Speaking of PRETTY pictures, oooh, HERE is a goodie.

Lucky DAVE. Except you're dead. And you didn't even SEE her twat because you were too busy glaring into the camera, ya pudgy-faced LOSER.

"Har har, haw haw, hee-yuk! Dave, didja stick yer finger in her twat, didja? Haw haw. What did she smell like, Dave! Yee-yuk! Didja cop a feel on her titties?"

IF HE WAS BEING HONEST with his friends, he had to say, "There was a line of guys down to the toilets, and her manager was shouting, "Awwright, get over here, stand here, 1-2-3," and then, "that's it, NEXT." It was not sexy, it was just a humiliating transaction for money."

NO woman would want to stand next to a meat-faced moron and be thrilled about getting $20 or $50 for it. It's almost as degrading as BEING the meat-faced moron. Paying for it and accepting payment are almost equally pathetic.

But try telling that to overgrown fanboys. Overgrown fanboy Bill, still alive and ill, took a look at that last photo a little too long:

"Oooof, I shit my diaper again. Oh, I loved her in "2001 Guys: A Gangbang Orgy." I worship stars soooo much. So many of the STARS Dave took photos next to never came to the East Coast, and many are dead of AIDS. That's such a tragedy...that they died BEFORE I could have my photo taken with them. Oooh, stars! When I stand next to them, my face turns pink, my mouth drools, my teeth chatter so much I have to clamp them down on my lower lip, and...you guessed it...SHIT!"

SHAUNA OPENS ANOTHER CHANNEL

"Hi Guuuuuuyyyys, yes, it's happened! I've opened another channel! No, SILLY, I have NOT had anal sex. My manager Bill has, but that's only because his diaper got caught way up his asshole. What I mean is another GOOTUBE channel. One isn't enough to contain my talents!

"This series is being produced by Amy Wagstaff-Wetone, who can draw very lifelike pictures of diseases she sees under a microscope and under her dress. She is my "color coordinator." If I do something stupid, I look over and see if Amy's face has gone pale. Or if she's stuck it in a pail and is vomiting up her seven pound eight ounces of breakfast sausages and mash.

"You can NOT see the series YET, because Amy has started a DICKSTARTER campaign and we haven't raised the full amount (which is enough for everyone in Costa Rica to live on for the rest of their lives). I think Pay to Play, in this case, is only fair. It's not like you can find a lot of free content on GOOTUBE, or a lot of little bints showing off and then stamping their little feet if they don't get enough hits.

"So far, one well-heeled gent has actually donated some money: Lord Groper of Knees (thanks, Spike!) He promised another hefty donation if he could hump me while I'm wearing school girl socks (thanks, Rolf!) He has asked if I'd let him watch me shave. I said, "Shave WHAT?" And he got very excited. He's a Yorkshireman, and thought I'd said, "Shave T'wat." (thanks, Graeme Garden. Or was it Tim Brooke-Taylor or Barry Cryer).

"In my series, I will teach all young girls how to become flirty little tarts. It's easy to look nice. And not too expensive! (thanks, Knight Who Says Ni). I start off with basic items a girl can filch from the kitchen, like blackberry jam for mascara, cherry jam for lipstick, and flour for the foundation. Yummy!

I will include my patented "eye opening exercises" so that you'll have that empty-headed "eyes wide shut" look. (Down the line, I'll do my famous "one eyebrow raise," but that's VERY advanced!) I also will give girls confidence and explain that wispy, limp hair can be an asset, since guyyyyys like a girl who looks like she's twelve (thanks again, Rolf!). Lastly, if you're ugly, old and spindly, and smell bad, and want to call attention to yourself by standing next to me or playing keyboards on my songs, FUCK OFF! (no thanks, Roland.)

DAY IS DUNG

What does a member of the Boko Harum tribe do most of the time? Sleep. Doze. Drink too much.

But once in a while, another tribe makes an offer.

Check your calendar. Make sure a fly hasn't shit on the 26th, making a smudge that has you remembering THIS:

Acromegaly Antisemite Roger Waters dined on roasted Jewish Baby

Ah, to be in the Hamptons in the summer!

Rupert Merde Ox's NY Post has a gossip page with "sightings" of famous Fascists, Nazis and Sociopaths. Naturally, they keep track of what Roger Waters is up to.

I sent Cilla Blackledge to get more details. Cilla recently severed ties with the staff of the Grimsby Telegraph (aside from severing their ties, she threw their hats down the loo and circumcised each one of them with a broken Guinness bottle).

Cilla files this report:

Acromegaly sufferer Roger Waters told me he has a special diet because of the size of his chin: "I can only eat soft foods. That's why I like roasted Jewish babies. If you stuff them with pork and put them on a spit for an hour, basted regularly in blood, they turn out so tender you can pull the bits of flesh apart with your bare hands."

Roger adds, "Of course, I am NOT antisemitic. First off, my nose is getting so gigantic I'm sometimes mistaken for Mel Brooks. He's a Jew, you know. Second, I'd be glad to eat some other ethnic baby, but since the Jews like to drink the blood of Christian babies, which is well known, I figure I'm simply evening the score.

"It is also well known that the Jews do not deserve a homeland of any kind. After they were driven out of Israel over 2,000 years ago, they were quickly butchered, abused, raped and robbed in Russia, Poland, Germany, and on and on. That's the way it should be. Did you ever read about The Muslim Crusades? Love that non-violent religious group. Fine, fine people. How they took over Jerusalem. Oh, they also killed Christians from time to time, but their God is Great!

"It's ridiculous Jews have returned to Israel, when everyone knows that the prophet Muhammad in about 600 AD, decreed it belongs to Palestinians. Didn't he? How I'd love to get some cannons and blow out the Wailing Wall. Well, Allah knows best in these matters. If you don't believe me, ask Peter Gabriel, he has a degree in Political Science, and a PhD in Religious Studies. He also has a wonderfully round head that looks just like a honeydew melon.

Roger burps and sighs, "I love the Hamptons. It isn't very Jewish at all. We've got P. Diddy buying up most of the real estate. We've got crazy Gwyneth Paltrow, Paris Hilton, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez, psychotic black newsman Don Lemon, black (of course) basketball star Jason Williams, Jay-Z and Beyonce (and you know they'd rather have Black Panthers for neighbors), Candace Bushnell and John McEnroe. Oh yes, we do have to put up with Howard Stern and Steven Spielberg, and there are rumors Billy Joel is half-Jewish, but mostly, it's very WASP-y. Jeez, don't I look like a hornet? Look at this schnozz! Oh, sorry, is schnozz a Yiddish word? I hope not."

Roger knows that The Hamptons are now noted for rowdy loud parties, vulgar gigantic motor boats spewing pollution along the shoreline, and..."expensive restaurants and rents that cheap Jews couldn't deal with. It's against their religion. Eww, did I mention Long Island home owner Paul McCartney married a Jew? He did it once before, too. Why couldn't he find a nice, classy Christian girl again, like Heather? But I digress. Excuse me. I also fart. Ooops.

"The restaurants here always cook any custom dish I want. When I walk in they snap their heels, give me a 'Heil Roger,' and ask me how I want my Jewish baby...broiled, baked or spit-roasted. I like 'em whole, so I can enjoy how the eyes blister and turn white. I like barbecued dead Jewish baby, too, because it has that smokey, "crematorium" smell."

(Editors note: as this is NOT the Grimsby Telegraph, "crematorium" has not been censored. It's censored at the Telegraph because every time they read it, the staff necrophiles start masturbating furiously. Wasting time masturbating means they can't go out scooping up dog shit on Freeman Street. They collect the dog shit which they dump into a blender and make into a puree. They smear the stuff on their chips. They use it instead of ketchup. It's a trick they learned from the bad restaurants they praise with star reviews).

Turning to the future, I asked Roger what exciting new projects he's working on. He said, "I'm thinking, now this is just a preliminary thought, mind you, of re-issuing "The Wall." I am also considering going on tour in rabidly antisemitic countries with my pig balloon and my neo-Nazi uniform, and lip-syncing all the songs. After all, I'm not a billionaire yet, and I can't finance the destruction of Israel myself, yet. Hell, I hardly know any members of ISIS, although everybody in Hamas is a member of my fan club."

Some have criticised the "pig balloon" for its vile symbolism, but Roger tut-tuts the notion. "Tut tut," he said. He added, "What animal symbol should I drag around instead?" And I pointed to one of the iconic ones on Long Island.

It's "The Big Duck," a harmless, adorable structure-building that tourists love to visit when they put a mortgage down, get a loan, and venture to pay for a weekend in The Hamptons.

"Instead of a pig, you want me to use a...what?" asked Roger.

"Duck!" I said.

Roger instantly hit the ground, drew his luger and said, "Somebody from Mossad? Call the waiter and tell him to get me a cyanide pill. If it was good enough for Hermann Göring..." And so, I left Roger under the table, gun in one hand, leg of roasted Jewish baby in the other. "Wow, this dead baby arm is hard as a rock," he said, the gun in his mouth. If only he pulled the trigger.