Let's Smirk About Broadway Shows "That did not chart."

On this happy day, we delight that we no longer see a certain fat obnoxious fag on the Internet, one who pompously gloated over the failures of musicians.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I have never been a fan of condescending snark. The "so bad it's good" crowd angers me. I was never a fan of the movie critics who would read their oh-so-clever put-downs on the radio, or grin as they read their nasty jokes during their segment on the TV news.

I was not impressed by rock magazines that had unwashed hipster-brats "grade" the latest rock albums. Too many of these mags hired assholes who acted like Oscar Wilde on cheap dope. All it did was tell the world, "Here's a malcontent queer." In fact, some of these critics made sure to let everyone know they WERE queer. After all, part of getting away with being a tart, obnoxious world-weary arbiter of taste, was to let everyone know that you liked the taste of semen and anus.

Today the Internet is loaded with YouTube idiots and forum fuckheads and blogger bozos who do nothing but show off their worthless opinion. It's not reporting, it's not the truth, it's just faggotry, and what's behind it is simple enough: jeering at anyone who has the balls to live a dream.

As Mr. Shatner recited it, "I get it. The NEVER WAS talking about the STILL TRYING."

You've noticed that these worthless people who never sold anything or performed in public, rarely praise anything. They live for the put-down. They bully easy targets to make themselves seem so fucking hip and superior.

I know bloggers who actually self-censor. They actually think, "What if the artist reads this? How about the artist's family members? Is this piece being a little too self-satisfed, snarky and smirky? Is it like shooting fish in a barrel? Does it sound gay?" And so they resist showing off by insults.

They refuse the easy shit of declaring "this is the world's worst..." And they find no satisfaction in a dismissive "it did not chart," as if that excuses their own fat-assed torpor. There's a difference between being a critic and being a finger-pointing brat. There's a difference between being a man and being an effeminate rat.

One day the weirdos on eBay who relish in collecting "FLOP" Playbills will get what they deserve: a fire that burns every fucking one of those Playbills, if not their fucking house, too.

Can you figure out why there are people who want to collect "FLOP" Playbills?

What the FUCK is going on with this shit? Over 900 of 'em on EBAY this week and every week? WHY?

There seems to be a sick bunch of malicious misshapen monsters who get a real thrill out of collecting "FLOP" Playbills. These goons are almost as sad as the obese nobodies who waddle into a memorabilia show and "feel sorry" for some D-list actress and pay her $20 to pose. "Look at ME, I'm equal to this actress! In fact, SHE took money off ME, so who is prosperous and who is a loser?"

Do collectors of "flop" Playbills treasure them because they are "rare?" I doubt it. So what, so there might be only 500 copies of a Playbill for a show that closed after a few performances. And you have one of them. So what? No, that's not the reason to collect this shit. No normal person would find this exciting, not even a trainspotter. The reason is really to relish somebody else's "failure," and feel good about never having even attempted to get on a stage.

As for the sellers who put "FLOP" in a listing to encourage purchases by cretins who collect "FLOP" items, they are actually losers too. They LOSE sales. If I was a Joan Rivers fan, and wanted EVERYTHING on her, I would NOT buy her "Sally Marr & Her Escorts" Playbill from a dealer who put it down as a "FLOP." I'd buy from a dealer showing more respect than that.

"FLOP" implies that the show stunk.

Again to quote Mr. Shatner: "HAS BEEN implies failure. Not so...HAS BEEN was. HAS BEEN MIGHT AGAIN."

And a FLOP? It's merely a show that didn't find an audience. It may have been ahead of its time. It might've been too esoteric or intelligent to attract tourists.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I can recall seeing only one authentic "FLOP." It was "The First." This was an authentic God-awful stinker, with NO redeeming value. People walked out wondering how in the world a show could be so inane. Did the backers think the show was merely mediocre and could be punched up in time for opening night? Who the fuck knows.

Most shows that get poor reviews and shut down don't overtly insult anyone's intelligence, and most usually have one rave or positive along with a few mixed ones and negatives.

Take "Sally Marr & Her Escorts." Don't use the ugly word "FLOP" (sounds like a fat Dutchman clutzily going belly first into a swimming pool). It was a good (not great) show. Unfortunately at Broadway prices, only the great survive. Joan gave a good performance. The show was creatively staged. It's just that not that many people cared about Lenny Bruce's mother, or her, as a matter of fact. She was not quite a superstar at the time. So what. She had courage and guts and took a chance. People who say "FLOP" are gutless queers.

I saw a Mike Nichols play, "The Play What I Wrote," which was loosely based on the lives of Morecambe and Wise. Who heard of them in America? Who heard of the actors who played the leads? Of COURSE the play was doomed to have a short run. Maybe, ala "The Producers," it was intended as a tax shelter! Even so, a lot of skill and artistry went into it.

I also saw the dreaded "Lennon: The Musical." It had its moments. It tried very hard. To dismiss it as a "FLOP" is to deny that there was intelligence, thought and sensitivity behind it. Fact is, it would've had to be the greatest musical ever to counter Lennon fans who would simply NOT want to go to anything commercial about him. The actors were crushed when they learned they were only going to have another few weeks of performances. I remember consoling the Lennon look-alike who played the lead. I told him he did a very good job in a challenging role.

I consoled another performer, a ventriloquist who mounted a very creative one-man show. As he went through the motions during the show's final week, I told him, "You did your best. You know the truth here; tourists come in, and they want to see chorus girls in "Chicago" or the chandelier drop in "Phantom of the Opera." They're timmies. They don't think they get their moneysworth when it's one guy on stage, no matter how talented that one guys is."

It takes no fucking talent to go to thrift shops and estate sales and buy up "FLOP" Playbills to sell to eBay assholes. It takes no talent to buy that shit and store it on shelves, smirking over having made the better choice of being an accountant or a plumber.

As much of a "FLOP" as a Broadway show might be, it remains history. Collectors and eBay sellers remain obscure, forgettable dung beetles. And that goes for the rest of the "so bad it's good" and "it didn't chart" fops and disrespectful fools.