Fuck Jamie Oliver With a Fist Full of Mushy Peas

You know what I dislike?

Practically everything and everybody, you'd say!

But high on my list, are CHEFS who INSIST there's a RIGHT way of doing EVERYTHING.

Like you can only put a certain type of seasoning on your fish, or your chips, or your mushy peas.

OR...that you have to have mushy peas at all!

Here's Jamie laying down "the law" -- including this line:

"Then you want to douse it all with some cheap malt vinegar and nothing other than Heinz tomato ketchup."

No, I don't.

Let's quote a bit of an Abbott & Costello routine, from memory. It goes something like this, with Asshole Abbott speaking first:

Mustard goes with the hot dog!
Not with mine!
They go together!
Let 'em go together, I'm not spoiling any romance. I don't like mustard!
Oh, you're too big a guy to like mustard?
I don't care for it! It burns my tongue!
Do you know they manufacture mustard? You want to put those people out of work??
I like Worster-shire-sheer sauce!
Worster-shire-sheer sauce???
You can't even say it! Take the people I put out of work at the mustard factory and hire 'em at the Worster-shire-sheer sauce factory!

AND SO IT GOES....

The point is, we all have different tastes, and even James Bond and his fucking "shaken but not stirred" line is a pretentious affectation. And a load of crap.

I once interviewed one of the world's greatest chefs. He told me that his recipe (for Indian Korma with Peas) could be modified "to taste." Yes, he would explain the "traditional" recipe, and what spices are involved. Just as Jamie Oliver explained what a traditional Irish recipe for a Fish and Chips dinner (with all the fixings) might be. It doesn't mean it's written in stone cookware!

The chef told me (and most any decent chef will do this during a cooking demonstration) that if I didn't have THIS ingredient, I could substitute THAT one...or if I didn't like things too spicy, leave out the shredded cup of Razzle magazine.

A British tourist, now footless, stood in Rockefeller Center eating a pretzel (before she was hit by a taxi). The vendor had both ketchup and mustard available. New Yorkers would tell you mustard is the "traditional" condiment you put on a pretzel or on a hot dog, not ketchup. But it's no fucking crime if you want ketchup. A tourist who has never had either might be glad to know what a New Yorker chooses, but is the average New Yorker such a gourmet? Always right? It's up to YOU!

Who wants a New Yorker coming over and shouting, "What's wrong with you, ketchup on that? Are you NUTS? That's NOT the way it's done..." God didn't write an 11th Commandment, thou shalt NOT put ketchup on a hot dog.

Let's see the phrase "serving suggestion" more often. Or "my preference." Or simply, "this is the traditional recipe...these are various options...."

And FUCK any chef that's so uptight and unreasonable as to write a recipe as if it's a law. Yeah, Heinz IS a great brand of ketchup, Jamie. But Del Monte isn't so fucking shabby. Writing that you must use a "cheap" brand of malt vinegar is colorful, but maybe Gordon Ramsay knows of medium-priced brand and would tell you to SIT ON yours?? Which of you is right? NEITHER!

And guess what, sometimes I don't feel like having any ketchup on my chips/fries. Maybe once in a while I'll toss malt vinegar on my fish OR maybe it'll be tartar sauce instead. Some brands of tartar sauce vary wildly in terms of herbs, spices and the amount of pickle. Is that so bad?? Make a suggestion but not a law. In America, fish and chips arrives...without mushy peas. Do you need a tour guide to let you know that? So that you can bring a tin from home?? Do you need some guy like Jamie Oliver, or some twit (such as the Independent writer below literally dishing on what she does or doesn't like about how certain meals are served) to tell you an opinion written as FACT??

Sometimes I see a photo in a magazine ad for ketchup, and it shows ketchup glistening on a particular piece of vegetable or meat. And it says in small letters, "serving suggestion." Right. An idea. Not a RULE.

There IS a difference. Let's remember that "taste" is a matter of opinion, and a recipe is somebody's IDEA. That's all. An idea.

Fucking Jamie Oliver with a fist full of mushy peas is an idea. If someone wants to substitute an unripe eggplant, or simply use a fist coated in vinegar or olive oil...feel free.