Extra extra read all about it! No, no, DON'T buy a newspaper, just go to any free newspaper website. See a headline like this:
FUCK, so far it's only ONE dead teacher and two wounded.
Zzz, zzz...please, CNN, get on this and let's get the usual details about how the 12 year-old found a gun at his parents' home, and gosh, we don't know WHY exactly he'd do such a thing, and too bad he killed himself. Oh, and that 45 year-old teacher who survived war in Afghanistan...what would Cee-lo say? "Ain't that some shit?" That's what he would say.
The newspapers will put one line in there somewhere about how some people want gun control...but they'll have a paragraph or two about the REAL answer to the problem, which is to do what the NRA says, and buy MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE GUNS...
and hire GUARDS WITH GUNS for every classroom...
MORE GUNS!
MORE GUNS!
You can imagine everyone at the NRA office slapping five to each other: "It's almost been a day or two without a flashy gun death! Here comes a TWELVE YEAR-OLD GUNNING DOWN A WAR VETERAN TEACHER! YEEEEEEEEEE HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
MORE GUNS! BUY GUNS!
Two kids in surgery for gunshot wounds, a teacher and the shooter dead. Oh, let's have some dialogue for this. Great, a witness:
"A kid started getting mad and he pulled out a gun and shoots my friend...And then he walked up to a teacher and says back up, the teacher started backing up and he pulled the trigger. The teacher was just lying there and he was limp, he didn't know what to do, he was just in a lot of pain...and we left him because our vice principal came along and said go, go, go get to safety, get to safety. So we left the teacher there and we went to safety..."
And the teacher died. It wouldn't be nearly an entertaining story if he'd lived. Death, that's what we want to read in a story like this. What a feel good story: "Glad I'm not in school anymore!" Ha!
Oh and let's feel momentarily sorry for the heroic teacher:
"To hear he was trying to protect those kids doesn't surprise me at all," said his sister-in-law, Chanda Landsberry. "He could have ducked and hid, but he didn't. That's not who he is."
That raises a tear and a smile, doesn't it? He's a hero. A DEAD HERO. Meanwhile...BUY SOME GUNS! Hell, if there was a security guard with a gun, or maybe a few other students with derringers...that kid would've been shot down before he shot any more of his classmates or any more teachers!
Oh. Forgot. He shot himself after he emptied his gun. He didn't bother to reload. Didn't he learn ANYTHING from that kid in Connecticut who brought several guns and LOADS of ammo?
A report from another kid: "I heard him saying, 'Why you people making fun of me, why you laughing at me.'"
So he shoots two kids and kills a teacher? How immature! He was acting like a child! A child of the 21st Century.
Oh, let's not forget the required bland statement from a government official:
"I was deeply saddened to learn of the horrific shooting at Sparks Middle School this morning," Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval said in a statement.
That takes care of it, governor. How much did the NRA contribute to your campaign?
The kid's Mom and Dad should be so proud that they had GUNS in the house. They could've protected their precious boy against a burglar, or something.
At best, let's spin the story the right way. A) that the teacher was a hero, and b) listen, (wrist slap, wrist slap) the REAL lesson here is to OWN GUNS but to keep them locked up. Then, when your crazy homicidal fuckhead brat finds your spare keys and goes out on his rampage, you can say "We did all we could. No way to prevent a tragedy. We have no intention of ever getting rid of our GUNS."
This is AMERICA...every day in the newspaper, some shooter firing into a whole bunch of innocent people...and Kim Kardashian showing off her booty.
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