VATICAN DISCOVERS THAT LOU REED IS HIP EVEN WHEN HE'S DEAD

Oh those cool, cool hipsters.

If you're not hip, man, you don't GET IT.

Snicker...snicker: some loser at the Vatican quoted Lou Reed's "PERFECT DAY" thinking it was about a guy hanging around with his lover.

Lou and Kirsty MacColl sang it in duet but that sure as hell doesn't mean it's about two people sharing a day together!

"PERFECT DAY" is, of course, about HEROIN!

WHAT ELSE do really cool people think about? Politics? Religion? And YOU thought PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON was about some fucking magic dragon??

The coolest thing about rock musicians is how they send secret messages, and exclude outsiders, and keep what they really mean to the "in crowd" that nods, faintly smiling, because they GET IT without having to be TOLD.

Know what?

I never thought I'd have anything in common with the Vatican's culture minister, but...

I didn't know the fucking song was about HEROIN either.

Then again, I didn't know that "White Christmas" was about HEROIN, and "Horse With No Name" was about HEROIN, and "Let it Snow" was about HEROIN and "Me and My Shadow" was about having GAY SEX WHILE ON HEROIN.

Read the lyrics: Just a perfect day
Drink sangria in the park

And then later, when it gets dark. We go home

Just a perfect day
Feed animals in the zoo. Then later a movie, too
And then home

Oh, it's such a perfect day I'm glad I spent it with you
Oh, such a perfect day. You just keep me hanging on

Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone. Weekenders on our own. It's such fun

Just a perfect day. You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else. Someone good

Oh, it's such a perfect day. I'm glad I spent it with you
Oh, such a perfect day. You just keep me hanging on

You're going to reap just what you sow<

There. The ultimate drug song, right?

If you're a New York Junkie, a member of Warhol's factory (one of the few still alive and sporting the same genitalia you were born with), or a Village Voice reader in a gay sauna, just SCREAM out HEROIN with every line...but YOU and ME and the Vatican...we had to be told. This song is 100% pure HEROIN, uncut. PS, if you even thought Lou was suggesting that HEROIN is like a friend, you're still SQUARE, and not SQUARE like a cube of LSD, Rosco.

I must confess, this isn't the first time I've been fooled.

When I was a kid, I somehow didn't realize that 'Please Please Me' was about oral sex. Neither did grown up disc jockeys who played the record. Neither did parents. Sure, Lennon disguised it a bit, but if you had a filthy mind, wouldn't it have been obvious? John was such a hipster, though maybe not in the same league as Lou Reed. After all, when John sang about HEROIN on "Cold Turkey" it was pretty fucking obvious. Which isn't cool. Jeez, "Please Please Me..." millions of people enjoy that song to this day, without knowing the REAL meaning of it. The uncool saps. And even now, listening to that song, I don't automatically think about some chick shutting her mouth tight and shaking her head while inches away from John Lennon's uncircumcised dick. What's WRONG with me?

As for "Perfect Day," I'll give myself slight credit for having some intuition, based on the miserable melody and drone-singing, that it was mocking the concept of what others consider a good time. It seemed to be a song about anhedonia and alienation...but shit, I was SO FAR OFF. It's about HEROIN. Lou could've said "Oh such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with drugs," but the idea in writing lyrics is to not communicate to anyone but your clique. When you perform the song live, you look out and see who is smirking an elaborate smirk, and raising eyebrows, and slowly nodding. Although the people who REALLY get that the song is about HEROIN have nodded out and fallen out of their chairs. And most never showed up because they were too busy turning blue in their bathroom.

Hell, I'm so shaken by being cluelessly uncool, I don't know if this is a positive song about heroin or a negative one. "You made me forget myself" on a "perfect day" seems like heroin is pretty good. But "you just keep me hanging on" may suggest a slight problem with addiction?

Oh, it's too deep. I'm just not hip enough. Me and the kindly fellow from the Vatican who thought a perfect day might involve some humble activities shared by a loving couple. Ha ha ha, Mr. Spoon and Ms Needle, ya mean!

I'd hate to think what Lou ACTUALLY meant by that line in "Walk on the Wild Side," where "the colored girls go doot-da-doot..." Maybe it involves a STEAMING CARL or something. Let's face it, if you're not hip like Lou Reed, you are missing out. In fact, ikf you're not hip like Lou Reed, you might as well be dead.