ALL'S WELLS - Mikey Tweets for Smaller Prizes

Ever heard of Mike Wells?

No. Neither have I. But he'll tell you he's written 25 novels. Name one.

He's got 100,000 Twitter followers. Well, Wells, that's easy enough to do. Just go around following everyone and they'll follow you. Tens of thousands of idiots Tweeting to nobody. Nobody's reading this shit.

And why should they. All he does is Tweet advertisements for himself. Norman Mailer once wrote a book called "Advertisements for Myself," but he didn't really have to do it literally. He was kind of lucky to be born at the right time.

Today's so-called authors?

Get your picture taken wearing some kind of flashy hat that has more personality than your face. CHECK. Try wearing the AUTHOR BEARD. CHECK.

Now starting calling attention to yourself with cheap give-aways, and all those sad, sad, SAD claims to fame like "My book is now on a cloud service...you can download one of my books free...I'm on somebody's podcast..." When in doubt, post a link to some "fun" trivia game you saw on a website, or some hilarious meme that's been going around. Har.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I know authors a lot higher on the food chain than this guy, who admit that they HATE having to Tweet and use Facebook. They say it's humiliating to have to keep entertaining people for free. They say "it doesn't seem to work," but they are in purgatory (and Limbo) and do it anyway.

This Wells guy is at it several times a day with forgettable pestiness.

Ugh. Same thing with D-list "stars" and yeah, the critically acclaimed low-selling singer-songwriters. In the latter category, these people constantly direct you to soundcloud for the same songs over and over, which you're expected to hear once and then buy for a dollar.

They publicly thank some nobody who had them guest on a podcast nobody heard of. They show off some bogus "award" they got from some local losers of some kind. They share their pitifully small fan mail. They show a picture of some eBay auction of a promo item and say "that brings me back." And they coquette, cajole and cry out for "nice comments," and will resort to saying "it's my dog's birthday" or re-Tweeting something from "Black Lives Matter" or some charity involving AIDS or "sign up and walk to fight breast cancer" or yeah, showing a photo of their lunch.

As Mr. Ochs once sang, "the days grow longer for smaller prizes." Since these Twatters and Farcebookers aren't actually working, aren't making a living, and are too old to have much of a day job beyond tutoring somebody on how to play the guitar or maybe teaching a writing course, their long, long day does revolve around pathetic self-promotion.

All's like Wells...all dressed up in a fancy hat with no place to go. But if this clown IS invited to sign books at his local store (after pestering them in person every week), he'll happily show a photo of "the event" and act like he does it all the time, and that he sold more than two copies.

Dear Sir or Madam would you be my Farcebook friend? Would you listen to me Tweet? Later today I'll be Tweeting more, and I need a job and....