SIMON & DION sing a DIRGE: "New York Is My Home"

Jesus, why is it that older rock stars have to sing DIRGES?

They get to a certain age, and everything comes out dreary, depressing and grim.

It's like they've got lead shoes on, and arthritis, and their dog just died.

Elton John's been writing and singing this garbage for years. Bob Dylan, Keith Richards, that goat from Boko Harum...all they can do is sing slow, turgid junk. Elvis Costello's been so constipated with his shit!

It's one thing to be like Nick Lowe, and be admittedly laid back, OLD, lacking in energy, and MELLOW. But to take to the stage and act like you're going to fire up some passion...and turn out to be anemic? How PATHETIC.

Take a look at these fossils.

I had some hopes that Dion and his new "Belmont," Paul Simon, could manage four minutes of LIFE.

I mean, even if you're in your 70's, you have a heartbeat, don't you? When these guys do a show, don't they at least come to life when the crowd roars for "Runaround Sue" or "Me and Julio?"

You'd figure that the momentous meld of a finger-snappin' greasy punk from the Bronx and the Queens guy who has been milking Afro-Cuban rhytms for the past 3 decades, would come up with a joyous celebration. Especially if they're singing 'New York Is My Home.'

NO.

This was SO fucking disappointing.

It wasn't even up to the mild tempo of Billy Joel's slow but swingin' "New York State of Mind."

I got over how horrible Dion looks (which is just like that gray bearded beret-wearing lead singer from Boko Harum). I ignored that Paul is, as usual, pasty, bloated and looks like he's waiting for the Pepto to kick in. I tried to ignore Dion's horribly limp "choreography" where he waltzes and waves his hands in the air.

How about the tune?

It was awful. It sounded defeated. He might as well have been singing, "Rikers Is My Home."

The lyrics are familiar in their triteness. You know, the usual shit about how New York is so great because it "never sleeps." Well, THESE two guys could probably take a nap in the middle of Times Square. And not even know it.

If you bother to go to GOOTUBE, you'll see and hear what I mean. There's absolutely no joy in Dion's descriptions of having a girlfriend, and with all the creepy close-ups of his gray mustache and his rheumy eyes behind the sunglasses, you can't imagine he even has sex anymore.

Cab Calloway still had energy when he was their age. Horowitz could hammer the piano when he was in his 80's. Pete Seeger was still vibrant on stage.

What is it about rock stars that they figure they should still keep going when all they can do is phone in a dirge, or prop themselves up for a camcorder as long as they can take a nap afterward?

If you're looking for optimism, and the notion that rock and roll keeps you young...you won't find it here. You'll also think twice about wanting to live in New York.