An ARDENt depressive turns into a fat Christmas Elf

Oh Jesus. Oh, fuckin' JESUS.

For some reason, my Internet surfing today had me wondering, "Say, what's Jann Arden up to."

As Lennon once wailed in agony, "I found out...I, I found OUT!"

OH JESUS.

Her website is promoting a "Christmas Bundle." Like she's fuckin' ADELE.

At 53, quite mellowed, and pretty much out of musical ideas, she's tarted herself up with cosmetic advice from the "pudgy department" of some department store or other, continued to fake the blond hair, and put out a CHRISTMAS COVER album.

Compare the carefully done photography here with how she looked on her early albums (forlorn and brunette). Oh man. Compare this very commercial shit to the album cover where she combined the fist of anger and the thumb of sucking-need and mocked joy:

Oh LORD, overweight women in Canada have their very own ADELE now.

If you're not that familiar with Jann, she was sort of a Janis Ian years ago. Her version of "At Seventeen," was a grim, sick-cat mewl called "Insensitive." It wasn't as boisterously "ha, I'm on top now, and you're smothering," ala Adele. Both male and female listeners could feel sad for this outcast. It was especially touching to learn that the singer/songwriter had battled her weight, her promiscuity, and a lot of other problems that involved being over-sensitive.

For a while, I welcomed a new album from Jann, who could reliably be counted on for vaginal variations on Paul Simon or some other sullen male. Gradually the sad songs became a bit more labored. She was less likely to bitterly sing "The Devil Won," or chronicle somebody's pathetic misery, like "Everybody's Broken," all about a Native American boy "Billy Wolf."

Eventually she had enough money and fame to lighten up (literally, with blonde hair). Her stage act included some actually funny introductions. With no heartache to write about tunefully, she compiled her amusingly-named "Greatest Hurts" album, and offered two predictable "cover version" albums. Wisely, considering her agonized, introverted, trying-to-sublimate-a-panic-attack vocal style, she chose such dark and gloomy numbers as "California Dreaming," "Only the Lonely," "Is That All There Is," "Love Hurts," "You Don't Own Me," Defective Wilson's "In My Room" and, yes, "At Seventeen."

NOW WHAT. OH JESUS. Now she's hoping her vast pudgy army of broken-hearted, blob-assed devotees will want to try and cheer up by buying fuckin' Christmas ornaments? A scarf? FOR WHO? Themselves? Sad. As much of a Jann-fan as I still am, I was cringing at the thought of hearing her versions of:

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
The Christmas Song
Happy X-Mas (War Is Over)
Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
Silver Bells
and most especially:
Medley (Jingle Bells/Santa Claus Is Coming To Town/White Christmas/Let It Snow/Here Comes Santa Claus)

As it turns out, the Jann makeover extends vocally as well as physically. Her trademark adenoidal whining is down to a minimum here. She's concentrated, no doubt with recording studio coaching, to breathe properly, sing sweetly, and avoid grinding her vocal cords when she begins a sentence. The result is pleasantly insipid on "O Holy Night" for example. But considering that even Cher couldn't help making that song warmly ridiculous by singing it in typical Cher style, it's a bit sad that this rendition doesn't conjure up the image of a stray alley cat howling it forlornly while the rest of the family is enjoying cocoa and peppermint sticks.

Other tracks like "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?" Please. NO. There are songs so toxic that not even evil versions with dirty words can save 'em.

Christmas is NOT The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It's a miserable time of year, and I think that despite new product from Arden, ardent fans will only be depressed self-gifting themselves with this middle-of-the-load twattle.

OH HOLY SHIT.