Monkeyshines: The Celeb Hacker Who Isn't a White Nerd

Oh, it's usually a fanboy, isn't it? It's some Millennial white nerd. Maybe it's a snickering Russian or Swede.

Ha ha, a celebrity's nude pix were hacked and a) either everybody's seeing them or b) the creep did it because he's a "fan" and will now keep quiet IF he's paid enough. As in, "I'm doing you a favor. Hackers are nice people. They do it only to show you security leaks. I just think I should be compensated for saving you from being hacked by a really bad person!"

And blah blah blah.

But the "pride" was that the hacker was an elite white "intellectual," someone with brilliant skills. A criminal mastermind. You got the impression the poor dumb cops were being flummoxed by a Swede with savvy, a Brit with brashness, or an American who could've built an empire like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates but got more kicks by being an admirable rebel. Ooh, maybe a fat German Kim Dotcom.

But the latest hacker? Turns out he's from the fucking Bahamas.

Not good news is it, that some fuckhead from the Bahamas could hack into e-mails, or get celebrities to reveal their passwords.

It seems to suggest quite a future for just about any dumb bastard who can steal a laptop and get online.

It used to be that white collar crime involved whites. Ha ha ho ho hee hee.

Not anymore. Instead of looking in mommy's basement for an Anonymous hacker, the perp might be some ganja-smoking Jamaican, or some clod in Somalia.

Go use a program that "spoofs" your e-mail, hides your ISP or whatever, and you can join the fun in stealing medical records, hacking security at a big website so you can get access to a ton of credit cards, or at the very least, run a spyware program that'll suck every selfie nude photo from some bimbo's cell phone.

If a Bahamas man can do it, anyone can.

It's pretty rare when an ape gets caught. When it happens usually the deal is "Don't do it anymore," because nobody can prove that the ape did it. He grunts: "Somebody must've used my computer when I was out." It's too expensive to go to trial and "what are your damages? Everyone saw your shaved twat?" Besides, hackers are heroes, like Assange, because all information should be Freeeeeee. Just respect Assange's privacy.

In the real world, you wouldn't put a bicycle padlock on the front door of a bank. But that's what we have on the Internet, a serious lack of security. A lot of anonymity. Weak laws. A situation where even a Bahamas man with a coconut for a head can hack into major movie studios. If this guy wasn't a dumbass in his extortion demands, he'd still be out there. He apparently wasn't caught because his hacking skills gave him away. No, the hacking part, it seems, is SO EASY EVEN A CHILD CAN DO IT. EVEN A BAHAMAS MAN CAN DO IT.

Can we NOT do business on the fucking Internet? Damn hard to avoid paying bills, filling out forms, buying things, without dozens of websites knowing your credit card, bank account, birth date, and anything else needed for identity theft. How many hacked websites boasted they had perfect security and that customer safety was their priority?

"Oh, the Internet is so safe and convenient. If you go to a store to buy something, some illegal alien from Haiti might follow you, wave a gun, and make off with your wallet." But on the Internet, some guy from the Bahamas can rob you and steal your identity and you might not even know it will your bank account is wiped out. That's progress.