Toothpicks and That...Take a Dip in Blackpool

"I booked ourselves into that great British resort town, Blackpool!" exclaims Bill Hoobastank.

"Who knew it was off-season," gasps Shauna Cuntwell. "I didn't. I'm from Dublin. I thought we'd make good money busking in the street, but it was cold and raining, and nobody was around."

Shauna went into a local shop to check on the sale of Toothpicks and That CDs.

There were no CDs by the band for sale. Shauna said to the manager, "All you've got is a lot of tat."

And the manager said, "And all you've got is little tits."

Which wasn't the case with her obese bandmates! Bill went into Madame Tussaud's, and was delighted: "I paid an entrance fee, but I didnt have to pay to have my picture taken with any of the celebrities. Oh, I asked these guys, Morecambe and Wise, if they wanted payment, but they just smiled and didn't say a word! Say no more!!"

Bill didn't understand who some of the British celebrities were. "What's so great about this mousey twit, Louis Walsh?" he asked. Nobody could explain. But Bill took a picture with him anyway, along with Royals, gay rock stars, and Genghis Khan, who for some reason was posed standing behind John Lennon on an "Abbey Road" set.

During all of this, the ever-resourceful Barren Cocke was setting up the tripod, grimacing, and doing "consumer reports" GooTube videos on all the different meals he was having. He gorged on five breakfasts, lunches and dinners every day. He kept training his camera on every bit of gristle and fat. He took close-ups of himself chewing with his mouth open, and spitting overcooked peas out through the gap between his front teeth. He finally staggered away from a Fish and Chips joint, and passed out.

Says Shauna, "We thought Blackpool would do for us what Liverpool did for The Beatles. I guess we'll have to go back to begging money with Kickstarter campaigns."

Bill instantly handed Shauna $20. "OK," she replied, "but it'll be another $20 to take a picture with me."