"Me and my Toothpicks will be staging a very pretty show for GooTube which we are sure will then be picked up by Cameron Mackintosh for a lavish stage production. It's our own adaptation of Dickens, called "A CHRISTMAS CUNTWELL."
"I'm playing The Ghost of Christmas Unpleasant. Darren plays Effing Geezer Screw. Bill Hoobastank's dick will be Tiny Tim.
"We will dispense with all the other ghosts, as I will simply keep re-appearing to torment Effing Geezer with monologues about my Christmas tree, my Kickstarter plans, my career on Spotify, and all the other things that show I must believe in Santa Claus.
"Effing Geezer will give his soft-voiced appraisal of different brands of gruel, different nightshirts he bought on Amazon, and which brand of rope he uses to floss the space between his front teeth.
"In a tribute to Scott Weiland, I'll do a scene where I show my crack.
"Be sure to LIKE the seven hour seven part version on GooTube, and write letters to Cameron Mackintosh demanding that he bring us to Blackpool in late January or early February, with added outdoor performances on the railway bridge on Boulevard Avenue in Grimsby.
"I hope to vlog every day with more information, as I'm sure you all are supportive of all the unique things I do, like Taylor Swift covers, arranging Christmas lights, playing with my dog, and showing off the sterile and empty home I share with my extremely doting and drunken parents.
"I do hope the Muslims don't blow a lot of things up, to taunt us adorable cute white Christians. But remember, if they do, you can always stay home and watch your dreamgirl Shauna Cuntwell on Gootube! In addition to more covers of Taylor Swift, watch for my take on Kate Bush: "Christmas Will Be Tragic Again." And I will make you smile with my holiday novelty classic, "All I Want for Christmas Are my Two Front Tits."
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