AMY WAGSTAFF-WETONE READS...

Coming to GOOTUBE...

AMY WAGSTAFF-WETONE reads the amazing novel "PIED AND PREJUDICED."

It opens:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must not be in want of an ugly fat delusional bitch."

From there, we follow the story of a man who, by sense of smell alone, sniffed out a twat as she was sitting in front of her computer. As she sat, droning and stinking, she realized she was not alone. Her blubber quivered as her hard-boiled eggs popped wide. Her piggy lips uttered a frightened "OINK." And then...well, let's read the hero's next act:

"I pied her, for I was prejudiced. Yes, I admit it, prejudiced against self-important slobs who hog the buffet and worse, hog the bandwidth. Everywhere there's lots of piggies, but why do these insufferable sows insist on getting in the way?

"How about the pig that nudges you halfway out of YOUR seat on the bus to make room for her. How about getting crushed by closing doors when a slob blocks you from exiting the lift because she waddles so slowly. I hate to miss a traffic light because I can't get by some truck-sized monster oblivious to the red light and acting like there's a "Yield: Hippo Crossing" sign.

"Yes, I'm prejudiced the minute I see an ugly fat cow like Amy. I figure she has no self control, no manners, and no clue on how to avoid being a tedious bore. I figure any minute she's gonna hit me up for money so SHE can do something for HERSELF. Like douche with a bottle of Ribena before having sex with a haggis.

"She used my money to sit on her horse-shaped paddocks and flatulently read from some old book nobody cares about! Worse, she used a camcorder and floated it to GOOTUBE! I vowed revenge on behalf of the civilized world. I say if your face resembles one of Stephen Fry's hemorrhoids, read for THE BLIND. Mail it in on an mp3 file so people don't have to actually see your porcine, rubbery face!"